Feeling alone knowing you’re not

Long time lurker, first time poster. 34F/mom to 3 awesome, amazing, gorgeous kids. I don’t know what I hope to get out of this, but I’m feeling like I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel this way even though I’m very much aware that I have several people in my corner.

And that’s the mind fuck that is mental health. To feel so utterly alone because you convince yourself that reaching out will be viewed as seeking attention, or a burden, or an inconvenience.

I know for a fact that I could call my family right now and most would stay on the phone with me for as long as I needed.

I have two girlfriends that would try to rearrange their days in order to put themselves on standby if needed.

I have a partner 33M of ten years who always listens when I bring up my mental health concerns, but he’s the one I intentionally avoid bringing it up around, because he deals with his own mental health struggles. This is where I often insert the thought that I would be a burden, an inconvenience, or viewed as an attention seeker if I were to bring it up.

I have a therapist who I absolutely adore, but is sadly leaving the practice she currently works for soon to pursue other endeavors. Knowing this has caused me to essentially become a recluse in the therapy room because I don’t see the point in bringing up the jumble that has been my brain for the past few months when she’s dipping out. Soon to start over with someone new for the like fourth or fifth time in the past several years.

I also have several other friends/acquaintances that I know I could reach out to, but that would require letting them in on my world, and I don’t want to go through the filtering for honest and sincere individuals at this point in my life.

I know the mind fuck of so badly needing someone right now, but not wanting to bother anybody stems from the other even bigger mind fuck that is the trauma caused by my childhood. I wasn’t allowed to “be” really anyone honestly. My existence was a nuisance. But only mine was. I’m one of five kids. I’m really grateful that my siblings were loved and had relatively normal childhoods, but let that sink in. I was hated for unknown reasons from the earliest of childhood memories. It was a lot more sadistic than just being treated like the black sheep of the family, but that’s not the point of this post.

Followed that up my dating and marrying an abusive fuck, because I had convinced myself that abuse was what I was destined for. Eventually I found the strength, and the bravery might I add, to leave him eleven glorious years ago.

I’ve spent the last decade slowly and quietly unraveling the shit show that is my own little trauma. All the while meeting my partner, and raising three kids who have turned out to be such incredible humans. I spent last year really working on every facet of my life. I called 2024 my year in fact.

And then 2025 rolled around and it’s just like everything has changed. It’s like I so badly want to continue working on those things, but there’s this wall that I keep walking into. A mental block if you will. And it’s so infuriating. But I’m slowly taking myself off Lexapro, because I’ve recently come to terms that it might be the underlying issue.

If you read all that-seriously, thank you. I know it was a lot to read through. It was much more than I intended to share. I just so badly want to get out of this dark hole. And I so badly wish I held the tools to feel okay to reach out to those around me that know me. That care about me.

Last note-I was really proud of myself for not apologizing for the length of this post, but I do have to apologize for any grammatical errors. I just kind of word vomited and am too overwhelmed to proofread!