My spouse and I had our first baby half a year ago. My relationship with my female in laws pre-baby was rocky but getting better (specifically with the female ones mostly), but it honestly had its waves. My husband has always said everyone in his family just will fake agree or apologize to appease his mother. My baby is 6 months and has seen her grandma (husbands mom) one time previously for a week visit. My grandma in law has also visited previously and we got into an argument one day because she came into the room when I was resting and told me to go do my dishes immediately because she wanted to cook. I literally do 95% of all house cleaning and wash bottle parts ALL DAY.
At my mother in laws last visit the entire visit she would take baby from me, reach to grab baby ahead of me when I would go to pick her up, take baby away from me out of the house on walks, tell me to constantly “go rest” when she wanted me away from baby…it was annoying and not something I would deal with from my side of the family at all. And not restful bc my baby wasn’t happy sometimes with her. I do extend more trust to my mother than my MIL because I like my moms parenting style of babies (she is very baby emotions are priority number 1) so maybe I’m not understanding enough what it’s like to be a grandma from the dad side because of my bias of favoring my mom?
I knew this visit with my MIL would be similar to the last but for some reason wasn’t emotionally as composed.
This most recent visit I had trouble letting things go and complaining privately like I typically do…it started with comments about my husband being overweight, and how we shouldn’t be eating pastries. I think my MIL also made a dig at my weight but I didn’t delve too deeply into it because I got embarrassed – she reacted like in disbelief I am only _ amount overweight now (the reaction was to imply I look bigger than that amount). I’ve lost 60 of the 80 pounds I gained from pregnancy.
On the family walk she grabbed the stroller out of my hands immediately and proceeded to walk very quickly with my husband leaving me trailing behind them…I had hernia surgery recently so I’m not at my strongest…my baby is of the age where she cries with strangers and completely can recognize my spouse and I from across the room. My baby cries around people that aren’t my husband or I and my husband took the stroller and said “everyone back up” …I’m like “everyone?? That’s my baby” …then my MIL told me I should “go rest” which I feel is “go away.”
I went on my own walk and told my husband via text and his phone call to me how disrespectful that was as that is literally my baby and I am the mother. I guess my husband said something to her and later she said “if you have a problem you can tell me directly”…normally I would have had a better passive peacekeeping response but instead I said something like “I have a problem with your whole family. You all are rude and putting a strain and my and husband’s relationship and make me not want to be here…” I rambled on about how unhappy they are making me, how these visits post baby are draining me, and had no filter and they cried.
When I apologized later my MIL was still crying face and took it as an opportunity to make a jab at one of my family members (who she’s never really met or talked to in person) and quickly cancelled her trip and left. I’m on the fence about whether or not I wasn’t compassionate enough for them here and if the exhaustion has turned me into an asshole towards my MIL who rarely sees us
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as tryingmybest2525 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe tryingmybest2525 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
She was rude about weight, hogged baby in ways that even baby, let alone you, disliked, and then your DH wouldn’t call her out in real time. So she said, “she should just tell me if there’s a problem”… and you told her there was a problem.
FAFO.
And now she’s crying and you’re apologising? Nope. Feel free to apologise for taking her at her word and telling her what had upset you, but you can’t apologise for what she did.
Don’t feel guilty. Put your shoulders back. If she’s prepared to be a gentle grandparent, she will be welcome to try again. You can draw a line under this now that you and she have come to a FAFO understanding. But she did FA, so you shouldn’t feel bad that she’s now FO.
Hey, look at it this way: if you’d held it in until next time, imagine how much worse the fireworks would’ve been then?!
you were right. no need to apologize
with regard to your complaints about MIL taking your child, etc. – well, look in the mirror – you allowed her to do this. From this point on, get a backbone and say no if you don’t want MIL to do something.
No need to apologize. Good job for being honest. Now work on calling out the bad behavior on real time and you’ll be golden
you were right, and your next move needs to be getting your husband to have your back. that means he needs to be physically present to prevent baby snatching, that means using his grown-up words to tell his family to stop ordering you around, and that means communicating with you before running to his mom to tell her you’re pissed off. right now, you’re basically alone, because he’s comfortable acting helpless. unfortunately for him, he’s a husband and a father now – he needs to start responding when his own family is being bullied.
Idk how your husband felt okay telling you to back off from your own baby. If he cant see where they were wrong then you have a husband issue as well. Any grandma who isnt taking cues from the mother of the baby is already up to no good.