I am a 24 year old woman. I was happy for myself, finishing college and moving into my career until recently. To make a long story short, everyone I grew up with is getting engaged/married or having their first child. I know I shouldn’t compare lives but I can’t even get a relationship to last a year til it goes up in flames. I know I’m still relatively young but I still feel behind and it’s making me depressed. Has anyone been in a similar situation or has advice that could help me feel better?? Years ago I thought I would be married by now and it seems as though everything in my life is progressing except this. My family is saying it’s time for me to settle down but I don’t want to marry just anybody. Last year I was thinking what’s the rush but then seeing everyone else progress has me feeling behind. I appreciate all advice in advance! ❤️
Comments
You’re still very young … think about it … even if you get married and start a family at 30 your kids will up and out by the time you’re 50 and glide sloping toward retirement. Even extend it further till 40 the nest will be going empty before you retire.
About relationships blowing up … you may engage a counselor to examine your past relationships … or if you’re still talking to any ex’s ask why it didn’t work. One of the biggest things I see often is that some are attracted to personality types that are not marriage material.
It’s kind of like owning a Jeep. (sorry Jeep people) They are cool, can drive up the side of a mountain, great fun on the weekends … but driving it day to day, which is 90% of the time, is literally a pain in the butt because they ride like a buck board. Maybe you are attracted to "Jeep" partners and over time get tired of the buckboard relationship. A counselor may help you to curb those tendencies and put strategies in place to avoid them.
Look at why your relationships are going up in flames.
Is it because you are focusing more on what YOU want to do? (career, having fun).
You-as-a-teen, and your family now are pushing their version of "this is how you do life".
So many young people just go along with this. Maybe it’s because they don’t imagine anything different for themselves.
>seeing everyone else progress
Is it progressing? Sort of. Only if you think of life as School-College-marriage-children-20 years goes by-grandchildren. And doing this in lockstep with all the other people born the same year as you.
Maybe you could do something different, and have different experiences, and end up …
in the same place, or in a different place. Who knows?
(I did end up meeting someone when I was 29, and then had 3 children, and am now retired. My children, who are all older than you, have chosen not to have children, which is fine).
We’re not all moving through life on the same time line. Things happen when they happen.
Yep. Two times. And both the relationships didn’t work out (the 2nd one ended in divorce) bc everyone was engaged, married or having babies and I didn’t want to be behind. 50% of those marriages will end in divorce honey. I’m an example. Of course you do not wish these couples ill. But it’s ok to say I don’t want to be a part of that statistic. When their relationships fail, while yours blossoms – bc you didn’t buy into the idea that this is what you should be doing at a certain age – you’ll no longer feel behind. But you won’t gloat bc you know what’s it like to be left on shore while everyone sails away. You know there are no rules about what you should be doing at a certain age. And they will feel lucky to be your friend bc you do not judge them.
I got married in my mid 30s. Still married 30 years later. Friends I know who got married much earlier have been divorced, at least once.
If you’re in a race, make sure that it’s the right one.
It’s not a race.
Why? Why get married?
Hey OP.
I sorta felt like that- well, I knew I didn’t want kids, but I watched my friends all get partnered up and married in my 20’s-30’s. (Late-40’s now.)
There was (& still is) huge crossover, but a lot of the people who got married, then got divorced within 1-10yrs.
I’ve had good friends lean towards other Moms (or Dads) while their kids are younger, only to come back out and socialize once their kids are a little older.
IME, they didn’t ALL do MARRIAGE & KIDS at the same time. YMMV, but remember the divorce rate is high. I’m definitely not suggesting you root for someone’s relationship to fail smh, just, perspective.
We all go through personal growth spurts and have different life events at different times.
Also, I like the quote “friends are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” (Something like that.)
Best to you.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Meaning: you’re losing precious time.
I guarantee you there are plenty of 24-year-old marrieds/parents who wish they were you.
Life isn’t a competition. Go live your life. You only get one…assuming you don’t believe in reincarnation; if you do, you’ll be in a totally different part of the timeline so for all intents and purposes each incarnation is unique so…anyway, um, yeah, live your life.
You’re still VERY young. Very, let me be clear.
Focus on you – learning who you are, what you want. Your career and financial goals. The life you want to live. How to take care of yourself and be independent.
You’re doing this now. Good for you! Keep at it.
Some of your friends will soon be unhappy. Some will be divorced. Overwhelmed.
And there you’ll be, living your best life. Getting your act together before you consider marriage, etc. you know what? You may even decide none of that is for you at all. Better you know BEFORE you dive into the fray and screw up.
Love yourself. Good luck.
Stop. You are great the way you are now. Have fun and grow as an individual. Don’t force it.
You’ll be OK. In fact, you’ll be GREAT. Let me share a few numbers with you. I’m 67M happily married to my 74F wife. (1st marriage for both of us; 41 years and still going strong.) There’s 7 years between us – some times 8 years, pending on the month.
Your potential, possible, maybe, neo, quasi, kinda future hubby is currently out there. He is 16 right now. Ewww.
Have a wonderful day. You are now the envy of the universe!
Hope this helps. If you want a relationship and get a bit more serious, try bars at hi-dollar hotels near airports, libraries, hospitals, golf courses, dog parks or colleges. The next rung are health clubs and gyms in the same upscale locales. It’s far better to look there than biker bars next to crack houses. Also, volunteer at country clubs, hospitals, or geriatric venues and befriend older people–if you are not interested in them, then they will hook you up with their sons/friends if you come across as a "catch". Once you date at different stages in life, a pattern emerges. Know the difference between the kinds of love: Lust, Shakespeare Love, Convenience Love, Accommodation Love, Companion Love, The Love of the Familiar & Cherish Love. And it is possible to be at a different stage of these at a different time in life. Learn, adapt, overcome. Life is what YOU make it. If you make no attempt at progression, the dirt gets shoveled in all the same.
To Thine Own Self Be True. Live your life. Pay no attention to whatever “family” wants you to do!
You have freedom and independence. What I wouldn’t give to have that again. Don’t worry about what others are doing. Focus on doing what you love. You have tons of time and may have a very different perspective 10 years from now.
My daughter is 41. She AND her whole group of friends weren’t getting married until their mid 30’s. She and her husband have been married 7 years and have a 5, 2 and 1 year old. Her peers have preschoolers too. You have lots of time.
Life is not a race or a competition! You do what is right for you and not anyone else.
Many of those women you’re jealous of are feeling trapped in their lives also. Everything in its own time. I married my high school sweetheart- well after we graduated college and I didn’t have my kiddo until I was almost 30. You don’t have to rush to check the boxes on the “I’m a grown up now” list. Go be the cool aunt for a while if you want to spend time with kids. I’m sure their parents are desperate for a break and a night of sleep. I’ve enjoyed being a mom but I’m pretty sure that’s because I didn’t rush into it. If you have an idea of what you want your future to look like, you’re in a good position to start planning for that financially.
Have fun, live your life!! I never even had a serious boyfriend until I was 27 and if I was any younger I probably would have married him, which would have been a disaster as he was a horrible man. I didn’t even have sights on marriage but I accidentally met a guy online in my early 30s who ended up being my person. Got married at 33, and had two kids – one at 37 and the other at 41. I am soooo glad I did it this way – we’ve been married 22 years and I feel like I was a much better wife and parent than if I’d started in my early 20’s. I can almost guarantee these friends who are getting married before they’re even 25 end up divorced and unhappy. Marriage is not a life requirement and before I met my husband I was perfectly happy to make a life for myself on my own. (Shitty ex made that decision easier.) Anyway that’s my best advice, based on my own experience.
When I was 24, most, if not all, of the women I grew up with had already married and started to have children. They all ended up never leaving our hometown and lived pretty mundane lives. I waited longer (and didn’t have kids) and ended up living abroad and having a lot more interesting experiences because I didn’t settle down quickly. They were "ahead of" me when we were young, but I wouldn’t swap the path of my life for theirs.
Don’t be in a hurry to tread someone else’s path. Make your own.
Ignore your family. There’s no reason to rush getting married and having children. I would travel first.
Women I know my age (I’m old) who are single and childless are happier than those who married and had kids, for the most part. You’ll be fine no matter what happens. Do things you love doing and you’ll meet like-minded people.
Okay, since you are on a sub for us old folks, you need to know that all of the wisdom imparted is from true life experience (directly or indirectly) so don’t discount it.
Everyone has said that you are young and you need to chill. Everyone has said to stop comparing the path you are on to others. All of that is gold OP, gold! I will only add that any decision you make today will have consequences. If that decision is it made for the right reason, those consequences will be bad. In other words, don’t get married because everyone else is getting married or because your parents have suggested it. That’s just a disaster in the making.
Lots of young people feel such pressure to get married. My wise old mother encouraged her children to delay, delay, delay getting married. Date lots of people. Have lots of experiences. And then choose the one who most loved YOU and treated you the best. Hard to go wrong with that formula. The world would be a much better place for all kinds of reasons if people would hold off on marriage for a while. And for that matter, you don’t have to get married at all. As I get older I realize that people I have the most respect for are often independent. You are complete as you are, and if you are not, marriage is not the way to remedy that incompleteness.
As you get older your peer group spreads out more, I know first time moms who are ~20 and 40+.
I spent my entire 20s focused on finding a husband and I feel like I wasted them. I should have been focused on exploring the world, my career, and my independence.
I met my husband at 32. Things fall into place. Not sure of your current situation but I’d recommend expanding your horizons somehow, whether that’s moving a few hours away from home to a bigger city where there isn’t as much of that traditional expectation, taking a trip somewhere, whatever.
When I look back at my 24 year old self – thank GOD I didn’t find someone to marry. I was not ready. I am a completely different version of myself 10 years later.
Everyone I know who was married and had kids before about 29 were divorced by 45 – if not by 32. You will not feel so behind when you see the breakups and custody battles. Y’all aren’t really adults yet, developmentally, and I’ll be honest this is even more true for men who tend to track several years behind women in maturity up to late 20s and lag quite some years in emotional intelligence (and some of them never catch up) unless they grew up being taught it by their family.
New Harbinger publishes a ton of great workbooks, but I recommend starting with The Self Esteem Workbook. Work on your relationship with YOU, so you don’t need to compare yourself to other people’s questionable decisions.
You might consider how toxic your family’s desires are. They should want you to be happy and thriving and able to take care of yourself, not just locked down to some rando. That’s kind of shady and you should ask yourself some harder questions about why they’d do that. It’s a little scary that you’re like "well I don’t want to marry just anybody" like that’s a pretty normal thing to do and not "WTF???"
Understand that relationships are supposed to end if they’re not a good match. Dating isn’t an arranged marriage, it’s a process of elimination. I know that some women get taught that if they just work hard enough (hold up both sides of the relationship so they don’t have to have any standards in a partner and will take anybody) you get a permanent relationship, which is not how relationships actually work. Even mediocre husbands will get tired of having to put in some kind of work in a relationship that doesn’t suit them, and they will leave.
Take a couple years to date yourself, get really focused on what kind of life YOU actually want to live, what kind of values are important to you and therefore important in a partner. Read some books on relationships. I don’t love John Gottman, but I’ll say read ONE of his books and then read Fair Play be Eve Rodman, Communicate Your Feelings (Without Starting A Fight), and I think you might get a lot of value out of Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft, to help you set expectations around what a good relationship should look like and what a bad relationship looks like.
First off, congratulations for graduating and starting on your career path. There are pros and cons to being a young parent. There is solid data that divorce can have a negative impact on a child. Give yourself grace. You are twenty-four years old. Having children is great but not a requirement in life; neither is marriage. Find out who you are as a successful adult woman. Give yourself time to really establish yourself in your life as a working adult. Do some volunteer work and meet people outside of your circle. When you are ready and not on the hunt you are going to meet your partner in life. Best wishes to you.
You’re young still. Fwiw i was i thought at the top of my game at that age. My gf at the time moved back home halfway across the country. I followed. We got our own apartment after I got a decent job. Then she left me one night. A year and a half later I met my now wife of 20 years, we dated 4 years so we’ve been together about 25 years. Keep looking and stop comparing.