Hi everyone, I’m hoping to get some advice or even just reassurance. I’m 26 (turning 27 soon), and my boyfriend is 29. We’ve been together for nearly three years and have lived together for one of them. I really thought we were aligned on all the big life topics — kids, values, faith, politics, how we were raised. We had all the “right” conversations early on and it felt like we were on the same page.
I’ve been in school, and I’ll be done by 28. My plan was to start trying for kids and look into buying a house within a year of graduating. I’ve always hoped to have kids before 30 — not because of pressure, but because that’s what felt right for me. Most of my close friends are already moms, and I imagined following that path. But if they’d waited until their 30s, I probably would’ve done the same. It’s less about age and more about the life I thought we were building.
But recently, my boyfriend told me he’s suddenly unsure about having children at all. He said he’s 50/50 and feels a lot of anxiety around the idea. He’s not saying “no” — he’s just deeply uncertain. He said he’s having trouble picturing himself as a father, not because he doubts he’d be good at it — in fact, he says often that he knows he’d be an amazing dad. He’s a wonderful partner, so I don’t doubt that. But he’s overwhelmed by the idea of the sacrifices that come with parenting. He keeps asking himself if he wants to make those sacrifices.
He also told me he’s been waiting for this imaginary moment where “everything aligns” and he knows he’s ready — even though he admits that’s not really how life works. He knows it’s unlikely he’ll ever feel 100% ready, but he still keeps hoping for that sense of clarity to hit before making such a big decision.
He’s always had a tough time with aging. Since we met, he’s talked about how much he misses the freedom of his early 20s, hanging out with his buddies, not having responsibilities. Now that he’s almost 30, those feelings have intensified. He says he wants to travel, explore, and make the most of being “young” — and then maybe have kids someday. But he doesn’t want to feel like he rushed into it and missed out on life.
At the same time, he’s told me he thinks about being in his 60s, looking back on the life we built and the generations we created. So he’s not closed off to the idea. He’s just stuck in between. He says he wants to speak to a therapist to work through the anxiety and figure out what he truly wants — not to be “talked into” having kids, but to gain clarity.
Still… I feel blindsided. I’m scared. I feel like I’m mourning the future I thought we were building together. I’ve always wanted to create a family, especially with him. I lost my mom four years ago, and I don’t have much family left. The idea of building my own family has meant everything to me.
Now I’m stuck wondering: if he decides he doesn’t want kids, what do I do? Do I leave and start over at 28? I know that’s not old, but it’s terrifying. I’d need time to grieve this relationship, and even if I met someone quickly, by the time we’re ready to have kids I’d likely be in my early 30s — and possibly face fertility struggles.
But then I ask myself… do I stay? Could I live a fulfilling life without kids, if it meant building it with him? He’s truly everything I ever wanted in a partner. I love his family. I love our life. But I also don’t want to give up on something that feels like a core part of me.
Have any of you been through something like this? How did you decide whether to stay or go? How do you know when to wait — or when to walk away?
Thank you for reading.
Comments
Leave him. Find someone who does.