Hi everyone,
I (32F) am really struggling and would appreciate some outside perspective — especially from women who have been through something similar. I’ve been questioning whether I should stay in my marriage or walk away.
My (37M) husband and I have been together for 15 years and have a toddler. I’m the sole income earner in our household — working full-time in a demanding job while my husband is renovating our home full time to flip. My husband hasn’t worked since 2022 due to an injury. He was on disability until 2023 and was later cleared to return to work, but he hasn’t applied for jobs or pursued retraining. His focus has been renovating our home so we can list it and hopefully make a decent profit. Meanwhile, I handle almost everything: finances, 70% childcare, household responsibilities like cleaning and cooking — all while being emotionally worn thin through constant arguments and fighting.
Over the past few years, he’s become increasingly negative and emotionally unpredictable. I never know how he is going to react to something. He also says I am not the same after pregnancy. According to him I am rude, immature, and a victim. When upset, he can spiral into hours of venting, and I end up absorbing it all. I’ve asked him for years to go to individual therapy, but he has not gone consistently. We’ve just signed up for couples counseling, but I’m skeptical of how effective it can be without him doing his own work and always blaming me. I have been in therapy for 5 years.
He resents me for not being affectionate or interested in sex — something I’ve never been very drawn to, and now even less so with the constant stress I’m under. I feel unseen, unsupported, and constantly walking on eggshells. I’ve also recently received a formal diagnosis of adult Autism, which has been both validating and painful. It helped explain so much about my life — my sensory sensitivities, social masking, my dislike for physical touch, my deep need for structure and peace — and made me realize how much I’ve been masking just to survive in this relationship.
I also suspect our kid may be neurodivergent, and they are currently being assessed. Instead of being a source of support, my husband made a comment that shattered me — he said our kid might have autism because I took antidepressants while pregnant. It felt like a slap in the face. Not only am I carrying the emotional, financial, and logistical load — now I’m being blamed for our kids possible diagnosis. That broke something in me.
I’ve been quietly building an exit plan because I have been feeling overwhelmed by the arguing and conflict and am hitting my limit after 3 years of this. I don’t want to rip apart my kids world, but I also don’t want them to grow up in a home where their mother is depleted and his father is constantly angry, disappointed or withdrawn. I was planning to wait until I had things in order before initiating anything. But then, a few weeks ago, my phone dinged with a message and My husband saw the notification, went through my phone, and discovered everything — including my diagnosis. Since then, things have been even more tense and unpredictable. I feel like I can no longer have any private conversations or thoughts.
I feel like I’m unraveling. I don’t want to fail my kid. I don’t want to hurt my husband either — I believe he loves us. But love doesn’t feel like enough when the relationship is this out of balance. I’m emotionally exhausted and terrified of wasting more years hoping he’ll/we’ll change, but I’m equally terrified of the unknown that comes with leaving.
15 years is a long time to invest into a relationship and the impacts to my kid would be very challenging.
Thank you to anyone who made it through this post. I’m feeling very lost and alone and just looking for other perspectives or input on how to move forward and factors I should consider.
⸻
TL;DR:
Sole income earner and mom to a toddler in a marriage with a husband who hasn’t worked in years, resents me for lack of affection, says will try individual therapy but hasn’t, and recently blamed me for possibly causing our kids suspected ASD due to antidepressant use during pregnancy that was approved. I was recently diagnosed with ASD myself, and after quietly planning to leave, he discovered my diagnosis and exit plan by going through my phone. I feel emotionally depleted and stuck. Not sure where to go from here.