It was only a few months long relationship. I should have seen all the red flags.
At the end of one of our dates, he assaulted me, photographed it, and distributed it.
I did the right thing, and reported it. Fortunately, given all the evidence and written harassment/pleading/incrimination he sent after I ended things, the detectives easily pressed charges. Still, the case is going to take a long time to go through the criminal justice system.
I am doing all the right things, but why am I feeling so hopeless and depressed? I’m experiencing flashbacks and dissociation so bad that I can’t work due to PTSD. I’m supposed to go to school in the fall, but I don’t know if that’s even going to be a possibility now that I can’t work to support my education. Or if I’m going to even be able to focus on school at all…
I hate how this has robbed me of being able to financially support myself and possibly rob me of my future.
Comments
I am just going to tell you that healing is possible. I know it looks like a very tough road ahead but your future is not decided, not by this. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard, or that you might need to adapt. But for now you can heal with the right support.
My ex did that to me at the end of a six month relationship, he denied everything there was no proof, I was 20 years old and I developed PTSD didn’t work for a long time.
In a couple of months, I will be 45. It took me years because I didn’t have any support or treatment or health insurance so I couldn’t treat my PTSD that wasn’t officially diagnosed for a long time after what happened.
But I did eventually heal enough to start working and I’ve had setbacks, and I never got to do some things, but again that’s me and I am grateful for my strength to be here decades after what he did.
In hindsight, there were some red flags in my case as well, but I was young and I did not have the experience or knowledge to see them. but none of it was your fault and it wasn’t my fault either. The fault and responsibility lies in the entitled and abusive person who thought they had the right to use another person.
It’s a hard journey back and I’m not going to minimize any of it. But healing is possible and it might mean some adaptation, it might mean you change the pace at which you do things, or it might mean something completely different. When I say healing is possible, I don’t mean the memories will disappear, but it does become more manageable. I like to think of my PTSD as an annoying car alarm that is always going off, but when you work on it, the volume gets lower.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Are you seeing a psychologist, or are you able to access subsidised mental health care? I don’t know where you are in the world, but often it’s possible to have access to free counselling sessions for assault survivors.
I think it’s absolutely normal for you to feel the way you do given what you’ve experienced. You’re right, it’s unfair – but all you can do right now is try to get through it. I promise you will come out the other side.
I really understand how you feel, and I’m sorry for what you went through. It’s really hard. Especially, when you had feelings for the person who did that to you.
I’m happy that you were able to press charges though. Something I wish I would have done. I was 16 when I was SA’d. He was 20, got me wasted, and did what he wanted. He took a video recording of it though. I heard he sent it around. Funny thing is, I liked him. Stayed with him. Never reported it. I never thought anything would happen really, but looking back it was so illegal. First of all, statutory rape, and filmed a video of a drunk minor.
I wish I would have done something about it. But, I’m okay now. It’s a long process to heal. I was numb at first, then months later it hit me. Anxiety, fear, depression. However it does get easier. You learn to understand your trauma, and yourself. It helps to go to therapy, or journal, or draw. Never feel bad about anything, or how you heal, or react to certain things. None of that is your fault, and what happened wasn’t your fault either. It sucks how much damage someone can do to us, and they just live like it never happened.
You will heal. It takes time and work, and sometimes you will feel hopeless, but it’s all apart of the process. I wish you the best, and you’re not alone. 🫶🏻