Feeling insecure in relationship after bf comments, is it anxiety, doubts? Not sure what to do (F31 / M30)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 months, he’s great, we have a lot of fun, I care for him deeply and believe he cares for me too. This feels like this is the real deal, but things haven’t been smooth sailing and I’ve had a niggling feeling and doubts from pretty much the start about whether this is right for me, because of his ex.

Since the start his ex has been a topic of convocation, he would talk about her often, too often in my opinion, she was brought up multiple times on our first dates, and this continued, to the point it started to feel like any excuse to bring her up or into conversation, when it perhaps left unnecessary. We’ve spoken about this A LOT, I’ve been pretty open and clear about how it’s made me feel, it took some time (about 9 months) but we finally seem to be past this hurdle.

But, I can’t help but question if too much damage has been done. I don’t want to hold onto things, comments, but the way she has been spoken about during the relationship has really affected me, my mental health and self esteem. I’m an anxious girlie already, with poor self image and insecurities and unfortunately all of these things have actually gotten worse, certainly worse than before we got together, which makes me sad. I’ve been in therapy a long time, been working really hard on myself, felt I’d made huge strides, people around me noticed, and my bf’s certainly not done in intentionally but I feel awful about myself, he’s unintentionally made my mental health worse, which I know isn’t right.

Now all of this has pretty much stopped now, some months ago, some more recently, but the general gist of things have been:

– comparing us
– oversharing intimate details, sex, positions, how great the sex was
– mention underwear she’d wear
– would say how good her body was, great ass, how she had a glow up, when drunk once said ‘my ex had great tits, she has the perfect pair of DDs’
– admitted he still finds her attractive, is still attracted to her (this still bothers me and makes me sad)
– talking about her practically every time we hung out, sometimes it was multiple times a day
– brings her up every time he drinks, this is still a thing, maybe slightly less but still a solid 80% of the time, just last week he did it when out, but it was his bday so i just brushed it off, but it was actually a story he’d already told me so did say ‘I’ve heard this before’ then think he noticed and stopped

He’s said before that I’m jealous, but honestly it feels like he’s made me jealous. I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s been rough. People say ‘but he’s with you now’ but it still sometimes feels like he’s only with me cause he can’t be with her. Even just this week he said he is still bitter about things, which concerns me. I can’t stop feeling like sloppy seconds, that he’ll never see me the way he did her, what if he’s more attracted to her?

Also this might seem petty, but we’re nearly a year in, he doesn’t want to be fb official (which I know is silly), hasn’t posted a single thing / photo to even hint to being in a relationship, he’s told me some of the things he’s done, made, treated to her in the past, but doesn’t really do with me, said he isn’t one to celebrate anniversaries, but told me (even pointed out the restaurant) where they’d have their anniversary dinners etc. It just seems different, like he’s not as into it, or she hurt him so bad.

I just feel sad, confused, unsure. I really care so deeply about him, we have such a wonderful relationship aside from this, now these things are starting to improve I wonder if I’m just being silly and just need to let go of the comments made, way things have been? But as an anxious person, these comments go round in my head sometimes and hurt, they hurt.

I feel as though I know I shouldn’t feel this bad, that this isn’t right, that having your boyfriend worsen your insecurities is not good. Has anyone got experience of working through something like this?

tl;dr boyfriends comments and references to ex has made my mental health worse, not sure what to do