I (32F) and my partner (34M) have been together for 7 years married two years ago, moved in 6 years ago, moved together 4 years ago, house bought 2 years ago. We made it through Covid living in a basement apartment during both of us being in grad school (met there). We are in a similar field but don’t work together. We’ve moved to a new town together and bought a house. We both love the house and the town.
About a year ago I started feeling way more confident and sexual. This was after a period of me being stressed out/defending PhD/starting new job/getting my iud out (because I think it was contributing to my feeling of depression/little sex drive/anxiety). I wasn’t not confident before that, I think people would generally say I was a confident and am a confident person, but something just felt different.
The big aside: a person came into our friend group and it was instant spark and attraction. We never did anything “over the line” but this person either woke things in me that had been dormant or came at the same time when I was waking up. I had/still have a pretty big crush on them. We are good friends. It’s pretty hard to deny our chemistry and it makes me feel very conflicted but there is something about them that I don’t want to give up the friendship.
I had never felt any way about anyone in the relationship with my partner until this other person. It was pretty destabilizing for me. I was super emotional and it was crushing. Not that I didn’t think people were attractive, that’s not it. I know it’s not reasonable to think that you won’t be attracted to anyone. This feeling is chemical, it sounds dumb but I don’t know how else to describe it.
I’ve been to therapy, finally got diagnosed with depression and am on medication. This all helped a ton with what I was struggling with for years undaignosed. My partner has been nothing but supportive and kind and trusting and encouraging throughout our entire relationship. I know I am not an easy person and I have quirks. By all accounts he is perfect and our relationship is great, truly.
But recently thoughts have been creeping into my mind that I want to separate. This thought is coming from the feeling that I don’t want to do things with my partner as much anymore. It’s a tension of that I’m a planner and he is not as much, and also sometimes he doesn’t want to do things which is perfectly fine and reasonable and healthy. The thing is, and I want to be clear, I do not have a thought in my mind that I am leaving my partner for this other person. That is not an expectation or angle. It’s more of that I have my routine, I go to yoga, hang out with my friends, am the one to initiate dinner with our mutual friends, want to “go out” and dance or hang out at bars (I don’t drink but to be social). And sometimes, recently most times, I just don’t want him there. I don’t feel disgust towards him or have any negative feelings necessarily. But part of me wonders whether he even is seeing how our life seems to be unfolding, that unless I initiate with my feelings or thoughts about our relationship or socializing or traveling, none of those things would happen.
I don’t feel like I want to give up on the relationship necessarily, but I don’t know if that’s because I’m afraid I would hurt him and now our lives are entangled so much that it would be hard, or if I just truly don’t want to work on things. I’ve been through a lot in my life already physically and mentally, had many long term relationships that usually ended when I moved to a new place away from the romantic partner or when I would find someone that seemed to respect some part of me more as I was growing as a person (I chalk this up to just being young and choosing people that maybe weren’t horrible but definitely had clear reasons why we should not be together). This is definitely my longest, most mature, and overall healthiest relationship I’ve had. But with the ending of all the others I’ve never looked back yet and thought I made a mistake. I learned, I reflected, I found more or another thing that I needed in the next relationship, intentionally.
I’m just wondering what you all think based on this long story. I feel still so young and that I would probably be very heartbroken for a while, but don’t know if I truly need to be in a relationship anymore ever, or if I do, that I have hope I would find someone that would fill my cup again (for the time if not forever). I see all these parts of myself that are so alive when I interact with this other person, and the parts that are alive when I interact with my partner seem more muted.
Have you ever felt deeply for not your partner for another person? How did you work through it? Did you stay? What was your experience if you stayed? Did you go? What was your experience if you left?
Edit: I don’t want kids and we don’t want kids in our current relationship. I have believed he is my soulmate.
Edit: thank you all for being so vulnerable, sharing your experiences, calling out the things I haven’t done yet, and validating both the feelings and experiences I’ve had. I am truly grateful. I am going to talk to him tonight. THANK YOU THANK YOU
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As someone who has been married for 17 years, together for 20, I can say that these feelings are normal. In my opinion, marriage is a commitment you’ve made to someone to be their life partner. Does that mean that you automatically stop growing and changing as individuals? Not at all – but it DOES mean that when you’re going through the changes and growth, that you bring the other person with you. That you talk to them about your feelings, including when your perspectives and motivations have changed.
I have had crushes during my marriage. One that was quite intense, to the point where I really had to make efforts to not let it cloud my feelings for my husband. I would NEVER ever act on it, and it has since passed which makes me realize it was just that – a fleeting crush. But it absolutely threw me for a loop, I’m not gonna lie.
At the end of the day, only you can define what marriage means to you in terms of remaining committed to someone, even through situations like this. Wishing you the best.
Hi this is my experience
Back in 2020, I’d been engaged to the man I lost my virginity to
I found that he seldom wanted to plan dates or do anything other than stay home and play computer games alone
Even sex was extremely rare and he would stay up til 8am daily and had an extreme addiction to pills
I finally left and felt amazing afterwards because I also found myself wanting other men, wanting to do things with friends or without him and having more fun when he wasn’t around
Two months before the breakup, he had friends in town and I wanted to dance at the night club and he didn’t none of his friends agreed to dance with me so I got upset and said “ok I’ll go dance with a stranger now” and then all of a sudden he kept his hands on my hips all night super possessive
I’m now 32 engaged to my soulmate and our relationship is fun, happy, healthy,we love to travel together but we also do things alone such as I love to read, he loves to watch anime
But we always come together after doing things alone and we give full attention to each other during dates and vacations
I cannot even explain how amazing this is and I didn’t realize what I was missing til I went out and found my Mr. Right! I urge you to do the same.
I mean, if you want to leave your relationship to potentially date again that is 100% your decision and something you should be honest with your current partner about. I will say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Long term relationships do take work and if something “shiny and new” comes along it should really be taken into consideration if that’s enough to end your 7 year relationship over. It’s a big decision so just give it a lot of thought. If you do want to work things out with your current partner then you will need to put the focus into spending time with them and not this other person you just met.
> It’s pretty hard to deny our chemistry and it makes me feel very conflicted but there is something about them that I don’t want to give up the friendship.
If the chemistry is as obvious as you say, I would say its unlikely your partner hasn’t picked up on this.
In a sense, you have already started the process of separation at this point, you just haven’t said it out loud.
If you engage with your crush and continue the relationship you are currently in simultaneously, I would classify that as selfishness. So I would advise against that.
When I was 28, I left a dating relationship of 8 months because I had much stronger feelings for someone else. It was kind of like “if I was single, THATs who I would want to date” and in retrospect I was right. The person I was dating was a bad fit and the other person turned out to be a very important relationship in my life ( although we are no longer together, but friends)
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer so much as – you will live with the consequences of your decision.
I would personally leave my partner if I felt the way about them that you do about yours, but I’m also a person who loves to be single and doesn’t want kids, and those are factors that affect my decisions in times like these.
Take a break. Perhaps go away for a week or 2 if you can. Give yourself time to figure it out
RemindMe! two days
My story is pretty similar to yours and I left my partner of over a decade. Your crush is very surface level; I think it’s more you feel you’ve outgrown your partner. You are very young and have been with your partner a long ass time, probably since before your brain was fully developed. I have absolutely zero regrets getting divorced. I’m about 1.5 years out of the divorce and I love being single and finding my own way. I didn’t realize just how stuck I was until I left him.
Thank you for sharing your experience and being vulnerable. Have you actually spoken to your partner about any of this? I understand not wanting to talk about the crush, but about anything else.
In the past (and still now to a degree) I was prone to having a million and one thoughts and feelings about my relationship internally, which can often spiral out of control.
I’ve since realised this is actually very unfair for my partner, how could he even have a chance to change or grow with me if I’m not letting him know how I’m feeling etc. Could it be the same for you?
He has gotten too comfortable in the relationship I think. Getting comfortable is good, too comfortable (so that mostly only you initiate) is bad. There’s a reason why you feel a strong attraction towards someone else and it’s good you say it’s not like you want to leave your husband for him.
And I want to tell you, it might just be a crush but what it’s actually telling you is that there is something missing in your current relationship/marriage. I feel strongly that your connection was either always missing (or not the best) or recently has been bad/shallow. Someone can show support/be supportive and still be distant. Imagine, if you are with the love of your life, you share all happy and unhappy days and happening, you cry and laugh together, you hold each other, that person is the first person you want to tell everything you feel and vice versa and you actively listen and care about each other – even if you had a tiny bit of a crush on someone, you would cry at the thought of leaving them. I think your partner might be emotionally uninvested (yet still supportive mentally/technically).
Do you want to have kids with this person one day? Because if/when you do, your life is going to change dramatically, more than you realize right now. You may want to spend the next few years going out, going to yoga, etc., but when you have kids the vast majority of that is going away for years & years. If you think your partner is going to be stable, supportive, a good dad, etc., it might be a shame to end things over a few years of going out. It might be difficult to find someone as good as him.
But also, every relationship is different. There are relationships that have “we-mail,” & “Sorry I can’t come to your party, [husband] has a work meeting” (i.e., they simply do not go to parties separately). My husband & I do TONS of stuff separately (we’re actually polyamorous, so of course we do, lol).
I will also add that you do need to make a choice here, & if you choose your partner, you need to distance yourself from the new friend who you have a spark with. Crushes are normal & natural & don’t necessarily indicate anything is wrong in your relationship. But please understand you DO have control over this situation. Seek therapy to get over him if you have to.
First of all, it is very common for women to lose attraction to their husbands when they get off birth control. There have been studies and you can easily find them. Your hormones were artificially changed and that affected which pheromones and personality traits you were attracted to.
Second, do you want to stay with your partner? If you don’t, you don’t have to justify that. Please know that what you want is really the only factor you should be considering.
I’d also like to say, having a partner who is emotionally mature and good to you, like you say your partner is, is rare. He’s gold. I don’t see why it would be important for your husband to go on your adventures with you, you are your own person and I think people who have a full life outside of their romantic partnership are the healthiest and the happiest.
The warning is, if you divorce, you might never find the guy of your dreams. Many, many men love bomb and lead women on and aren’t mature enough to be good partners. It’s a huge risk to leave your partner over a little ennui. Ennui used to be talked about more. It’s a French word that means boredom. It’s the discontent and desire we all feel with the difference between the reality of our lives and the dream. Dream and reality aren’t the same.
I want you to be happy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with leaving your husband. Talk to him. Tell him you want more romance. Tell him you want more fun. He will either rise to the occasion or he won’t.
My husband and I went through a time about… 2.5 years into marriage where I felt like I’d outgrown him.
It turns out I was just burned out from having literally nobody taking care of me physically or emotionally for years. He was gone for work during the week and when he’d come home he treated our house like a hotel room and basically just lumped for 2.5 days only to turn around and leave again on Monday. When he finally switched to a part of the company that had him in town he stayed checked out.
I met someone at a wedding back home that lit a spark that could not be extinguished. I was done. Not leaving him for someone hundreds of miles away, but I was done with the emotional emptiness and dealing with a man child. I ran the math because I wanted to separate and just get some time to breathe away from him. Couldn’t afford it. One night we sat down over some drinks and I laid it all out on the table. Told him I couldn’t live like this anymore and that I’ve been trying to find a way out but I can’t afford my own place so we’d have to sell the house. He watched his entire life collapse before his eyes (all a shock and surprise 🙄) and he was like “I said you were it for me and I meant it” and I’m like, you have to work on yourself. It’s non-negotiable.
It took another… 3 years before he pulled his shit together. We’re in a bit of a slump right now, but the major issues from before resolved with a lot of uncomfortable conversations and a lot of hard work. And counseling. Marriage is a long term investment. You have to decide if you’re going to toss it away on a maybe, or continue working on it and letting it evolve. I have no regrets when it comes to staying. We grew into something better together and it was worth it.
It sounds like you marriage has gotten a bit stagnant. Do you guys have date nights? Try something new together? It sounds like your husband is content with the status quo and you’re not. I don’t blame you for wanting more than basically living like just roommates. I would see if he’s willing to work on your relationship. Put some effort into it. Why can’t he plan something instead of just relying on you to make plans with friends? If he’s not willing to try that or he does and you still feel the same way then the relationship has run its course.
A long term relationship waxes and wanes, and waxes and wanes again. I was married 4 years in my 20s, and I left because things went from honeymoon to loneliness and sadness, and I couldn’t seem to motivate him to participate in the relationship once he thought he’d checked the box and shelved the trophy. There was no wax and wane. It was all waning, all the time.
After we separated, I dated a little and quickly met someone new who didn’t just say all the right things. I’d learned from my mistakes, and watched what he did instead. And we’ve had thirty really good years together so far. Have I had thoughts that went beyond “he’s attractive”? Yes. Were there spells of distraction where I wondered about a different life? Sure, especially the first few years. But in the end, I didn’t feed the fantasy or cross the line at any point. Instead, I evaluated the path I had chosen, found it to be good, fed the relationship I was in, and made it more satisfying… and he amplified my effort with his own. So we gradually built a wonderful life together, and now we get to share all those memories of tears and laughs into our retirement years.
Life offers us variety of paths. There isn’t just one perfect one. They’re all imperfect with different pros and cons, and we get to choose which one we want, which pros are most important and which cons are dealbreakers. What I’m seeing you struggle with is the “what if”. What if i could be more alive with another person? What if I don’t actually even want a relationship? You need to answer those questions for his sake, and if you decide to stay, ask yourself what you can do to feed the relationship you’re in. What he would do to amplify your efforts? You might be able to build what you’re looking for here, with someone who’s already proven trustworthy and supportive and consistent even when you’ve been struggling. But only you can figure that out.
I will add that you recently started medicating or changed the medication for your brain, right? If a spark with a new person is making you feel more alive than before, it could also just be the magical combination of shiny new pheromones and this medication. You might have had the same neurochemical reaction to your husband in your honeymoon phase.
I was in a not so great monogamous marriage and used to have crushes all the time, but I realize now I was just longing for an escape. BUT it did make me realize I’m also non-monogamous, so I’m now divorced, in an awesome relationship, and I can date my crushes?! Ironically, I haven’t has many since I got into this good relationship. The moral of the story is: what will make YOU happy? Do that. Life’s too short not to.
Have you discussed this with your therapist?
If you are coming down from a period of academic, professional, and personal chaos, everyday life can feel suffocating and routine. A crush is probably a sparkly ball of excitement amid the calm, at least until it becomes the new normal.
I would definitely delve into why the crush is so compelling and why your relationship feels like it has sputtered out.
You’ve seemingly given a lot of thought & consideration to your situation, and it’s exactly the kind of nuanced relationship that needs conversation & it can be tricky to discuss with people that know both your partner and yourself, I think this is a great place to figure things out, weird to get downvotes
I was in a similar situation (36F) & wavered back and forth for years. Some simple moments of clarity amidst years of inner turmoil helped — you win a vacation for 2 — who do you most want to go with? How far down the list is your partner? It’s not necessarily a problem if you’d rather go with your sister or your crush or bestie — totally normal, but for me personally it didn’t sit right and helped me see my true feelings.
Are you fantasizing about a fresh start for yourself? What is different compared to your lifestyle now? Are you looking for permission that it’s OK to not only want this but to pursue it?
The famous advice I found being “just wanting to go is enough of a reason to go”
Relationships cause you to learn things about yourself — it’s not until your experience in your marriage that you realized how important it is to you long term to have someone that plans new experiences for you. It’s OK that you didn’t realize you needed this.
First you can communicate with your partner that although you see the many ways they show up for you & support you, you find yourself longing for some novelty, to be on the receiving end of a well thought out date — and give them the opportunity to rise to the occasion in their own way.
It is very likely though that it’ll be a one time thing, or fizzle out, or they just never will initiate anything — though difficult and painful to come to the end of a relationship for both parties you both likely know the reality of the situation and communication brings RELIEF.
You can go even if it’s complicated to figure out with assets and emotions.
You can grieve even though you initiated the letting go.
You can do this sooner rather than later, you can do it later if you feel you need more time to feel more sure.
You can stay and hold these feelings in yourself and process them and live a nice life.
It’s hard when things are good and once felt like everything you ever wanted. When there’s a million horrible lives that you could lead it feels crazy to give up one that is lovely in so many ways.
I’m team GO because I’m a Goer … but all choices are valid. There are more crushes to be had, people to meet, nights to be completely alone exploring yourself in a new season …. Life can be long and you are so young! Good luck!
Your listed reasons for separating (“I’m a planner and he’s not”) make absolutely no sense, probably because you are struggling to even find reasons it “doesn’t work”.
If you want to leave a marriage to a man who seems to adore you because you have chemistry (only physical from what it sounds like) with a new person, then go for it.
You don’t need our permission. But know that the grass is greenest where you water it.
Am I wrong that it sounds like this person in the friend group that you’re attracted to is not male? You’ve only used “they/them” pronouns for them. Is it possible what you’re really questioning is your sexuality? Anyway, it could still just be a crush and will probably pass. Distance from that other person. Less interaction when you are together as a group.
I’ll chime in here — is it possible that you’re starting to lose attraction to your husband because he doesn’t really take initiative in your lives?
I was in a relationship for years with a guy who was really sweet and caring, but if I didn’t do something… it didn’t get done. I was the project manager of our lives. Our social plans were because of me. Our dinner plans happened because I planned them. Our weekends were my idea, and if I sat back and did nothing, we just… wouldn’t do anything. Our future plans were always on hold because he never took the initiative to look for jobs near me unless I sent him links and reviewed his resume with him (and he was truly miserable in his job at the time too, but just didn’t take the initiative to get out). I’m not sure how much women really understand how much of a burden that mental load puts on us and how much is weighs us down over time.
Your guy could be the sweetest guy ever, but all I’m saying is that I can see the parallels. I too ended up not wanting to spend time with my boyfriend and preferred time with friends where the conversation was rich and they helped plan things too. Any time I expressed my concerns to him, he’d step up for a week or two and then fell back into the same routine. I wasn’t feeling the pull toward other guys, but I did catch myself wishing that I was in a relationship like my friends who could talk to their boyfriends for hours, and who planned fun things for them as much as they did.
Anyway that’s my two cents on what’s wrong here, but take from it what you will. Unfortunately I’m not sure there’s really a fix for that. Good luck.
Thank you for this post, I’m currently in a similar situation where thoughts of separation with my partner is crossing my mind. We’ve been together since 18 and my increased confidence and growth the past year as a person has been bringing conflict into the marriage/relationship. Reading through your post and everyone’s responses have been really helpful so appreciate your sharing!