This is sort of a venting post, but I can’t talk to anyone I know about this.
I’ve (30sF) been going through a huge transformation over the past 4 years or so. I started therapy and have been working super hard on myself. I got my meds straightened out and I’m feeling healthier than ever. I finally built up the confidence to go back to school while working, even though I wasn’t sure if I’d even make it through the first semester. I’ve been taking good care of myself, exercising frequently and making sure I eat properly. I feel proud of myself. Amidst all of this, my relationship with my husband (30sM) has changed a lot.
He tries to be supportive of my dreams, but there’s always an undercurrent of… something. Resentment? Insecurity? I don’t know what it is. Any time I have a rough day/week and I want to give up, instead of boosting me up or encouraging me, he’ll say things like “If you think this [being back in school] is hard now, it’ll only get worse [when I get into med school]”. I get why he’s saying what he’s saying, but it is genuinely so unhelpful. I’ve made him aware of this. Instead of apologizing or agreeing to be more mindful, he justifies whatever he said that hurt my feelings.
Now, out of nowhere, he’s started making weird comments about what I wear. He has never done this before.
I wore a fitted activewear romper to run errands in and his unprompted response was, “That’s a choice.” When asked about what bothered him about the romper, he said “Women wear activewear outside of the gym. I never see men do that. It’s not an appropriate activity for that outfit.”
Immediately, I called him on it and said, “I think it’s interesting that you mention women. I see men in exercise clothes all the time.”
I wrote it off as just an off-the-cuff comment until yesterday. I got a new sport bikini to wear while swimming laps. I asked him what he thought and he said it showed too much of my butt and that he wouldn’t wear something like that to the pool.
In isolation, I could shrug this stuff off. My husband puts his foot in his mouth and I’ve told him that he doesn’t need to share every opinion that comes to mind. But it feels like it’s getting worse and I feel increasingly disrespected.
I haven’t confronted him about it. Any time I bring up things like this, he either justifies his behavior or says that he feels like he needs to walk on eggshells around me.
I’m not looking for advice. I’m also not looking for “leave him” comments. It’s not feasible to leave right now and I want to make an effort to patch things up. Yes, I know he has to want that as well and couples therapy is something I want to broach with him.
I mostly just needed somewhere to put these thoughts and feelings. I needed someone to hear me. Thanks for reading.