I want to break up with mother of our child who has made threats in anger.
My girlfriend and I have a 19 month old boy together. We are both early to mid 30s. We have a mortgage on our home. Life is actually good most of the time.
We’ve come to a cross roads as she now wants a second baby but I do not and have been clear about this for the whole relationship. She has even said the same herself too, until a year ago or so.
She isn’t wrong for wanting another, but I’m not wrong for only wanting one either. It’s just unfortunate. I don’t want to get into a debate about having an only child or that I’m depriving her of a 2nd baby; as I feel it has to be 2 overwhelming YES’s!
After a heated discussion where we both said things in haste, I’ve realised that I am now scared to leave the relationship due to things said by my girlfriend.
The argument was about a few things but the root cause is the fact that we want different things. I will summarise but she said the following:
1) “I hope you die”
2) “you need to move back to your parents and you’ve still gotta pay the mortgage and bills!”
3) “if you don’t move out I’ll call the police and say I don’t feel safe to get you removed”
4) “you will never have our son on your own, I will decide when you see him”
Along with other buzz words such as calling me an abuser and a narcissist. Then within an hour of this, she came to my workshop and cried and said she didn’t want to break up. It has terrified me. There is no domestic violence, abuse, control etc from me, but this feels very gaslighty and coercive from her.
In fairness to her, I said things to her that I’m not proud of but aren’t illegal. I’ll hold my hands up that I’m no angel. But we had a pregnancy scare and she implied that she would keep it despite only 50% of the party wanting it. I simply said I think I’d grow to resent her if the choice was taken away from me. I do regret it but emotions were high and I do somewhat still feel this way today.
Sorry for the wall of text. I am just looking for advice on how to navigate this. She holds a high ranking position in children’s social care so I don’t think she would jeopardise her career over point scoring and threats, but part of me also believes she would too.
When it comes to financials, she earns a lot more than me and could afford the house if she bought me out of the mortgage. However, she has made it clear that there is no way she will agree to it. I feel like I am being scared into keeping quiet because of the financial and
legal trouble she is threatening me with..
Comments
Always wear a condom that you purchased and keep it on your person.
Go talk to a lawyer. Stop fucking around with crazy.
All the things she said are straight up insane.
I would highly recommend you book a vasectomy and don’t tell anyone until your sperm count is zero.
Also, if you’re in a one-party consent state/province/territory, start recording your conversations with her.
I think you’ve hit a clear dealbreaker. Neither of you can compromise without giving up a crucial part of your personal happiness. You’re absolutely right when it comes to resentment. After all, this is a profound personal decision, and it’s often not discussed enough.
I can imagine her being absolutely terrified of being a single parent as well, and lashing out in a moment of panic, letting her emotions get the upper hand over her. If she’s in normal conditions absolutely not like that, I would categorize it as such. Even so, what happened does leave deep marks and it can’t be unsaid. It’s normal to feel apprehensive.
Regardless, sticking together doesn’t seem like an option either if there’s no mutual consent on whether or not to have another child. As a man, your agency regarding not getting her pregnant is limited to either not being intimate at all, or using a condom which comes with its own issues. I mean, once she’s pregnant, it’s really not your decision anymore, that ship will have sailed.
You’ll definitely have to decide for yourself – regardless of what she says or how she acts – what you want for yourself: stay or leave. Not gonna lie: there’s no scenario without pain. If you’re dead sure about not having more children, then leaving means staying true to yourself and what you value and that’s massively important for your future.
Scary as this is, I think this is where you need to start talking to someone close you can trust: your parents, siblings, close friends. Anyone who you know. I think that’s the number one thing you should do first: find support, safety and comfort, because she’s not going to be able to provide that to you. And if you do decide to break up, you’ll need to people who will have your back for all the mental and practical support you’ll need.
The next thing is understanding your legal rights. Don’t make any assumptions here yet: talk to an attorney or a legal expert, first. You want to make copies of crucial personal documents, and any financial information you have. You also want to start documenting your communication with her.
Good luck!
Although it may not feel like it right now, you alone have control over your life. If you want to continue your relationship, you need to have a very vulnerable conversation with your girlfriend and tell her how unsafe her words made you feel. Offer the choice to go to couples counseling and follow through with it, if she agrees. If she declines or takes you up on the offer and the behavior continues, then seek out legal advice and start taking the proper precautions to protect yourself and your child. Regardless though, document each time these instances where she threatens you occur. Time, date, what occurred before, during, and after the threats. Text a trusted friend or family member about it when it happens so that they are also aware.
if you dont want em get a vasectomy