I’ve been no contact with my own JNMom since January of 2024. It was a culmination of years, but the final NC came after my dad died and I discovered just how much my mom had lied to me over the years and just how much my dad had protected me. The nail was when she lied multiple times when my dad was in the hospital and she kept me from getting a chance to say goodbye. I think the bot might have my post from about a year ago with more details.
Anyway, my youngest is graduating high school on Friday. She wanted to invite her grandmother and I told her that it was fine, but she needed to handle the details with her grandmother as I’m NC. So now I have to see this woman on Friday, sit near her, (I have all the tickets and there’s no way to get them to everyone except at the event) and most likely have her in my home. My in-laws, who I get along fine with, will be there too and my mom hates my MIL for absolutely zero reason. My mom is the type who likes to make up stories about people that never happened and progressively get worse every time she tells it. None of the stories of our childhood actually happened and if they did they’ve been wildly embellished. My in-laws don’t know I’m NC because they’re boomers with the boomer tendency to want to know everything and I have no desire to hash it all out with them (or worse, want to “fix” it.)
I have no idea how to make it through Friday. I have Lupus and some other chronic illnesses and this week my flares have been some of the worst ever. My fibro is flaring so bad it feels like I got the chicken pox and measles and rolled in some poison ivy. I haven’t been able to sleep in four days because the itching and pain is so bad. I know it’s the stress. I don’t want to see her, but it’s not fair to my kiddo to say she can’t attend either.
I flaired this ambivalent about advice because there’s really nothing I can do but suck it up and hold out for Saturday, but if you have some I’m happy to listen. It just sucks because I’m so proud of my kid and I want to be able to celebrate her, but there’s a cloud hanging over the whole affair.
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Sit as far away from her as you can using your in-laws as a buffer. Speak to her like she is a past acquaintance. Focus on your daughter and enjoy watching her big moment. You’ve got this!
Have you considered going to the baccalaureate Instead? my mother was not feeling well during my son’s graduation and she went to the baccalaureate. It was really nice, indoors, good seating, and then she skipped the graduation which is outdoors, climbing bleachers, and you don’t really know where your kid is anyway, it might be a nice way to handle it.
If you’re not able to move the celebration gathering to somewhere outside your home, like a restaurant or party room, can you allow yourself to use your bedroom as a safe space during her visits and withdraw as often and as long as needed?
Your daughter knows you’re NC, but does she understand that it would make things easier if she is the one hosting your Mom and handling her vs leaving her to you? Or how badly your body is reacting to the steess of having to see your Mom? It’s nice to celebrate your daughter but it’s not healthy to set damage yourself like this silently for the sake of “keeping peace”.