My fiancé had a work trip planned to attend a conference. I decided to tag along because it was a city that I had never been to before. She informed me that her work would reimburse her after the trip once she submitted an expense report. Her credit card was completely maxed out and didn’t have enough money to cover any of the costs so I offered to help pay since she was going to be reimbursed.
So I ended up covering 4 nights in the hotel that her conference was located in ($800), her plane ticket ($450), my plane ticket ($350), and the rental car ($400). I knew from the start that I would have to cover my ticket since I was just tagging along and I was fine with that. So in total for travel I spent right around $2000 on my credit card.
After the trip I helped her submit the expense report, and at that time she told me that her work would not cover the rental car, and would only cover the Ubers to and from the airport since the conference was at the hotel and all of the breakfasts/lunch/dinners were catered. I was bummed about hearing that because I was out another $400, for a total of $750 for the trip and that was a lot more than I was planning on spending. We submitted the expense report for a total of $1250, she said she would pay me back once she received the money, I said that was fine and submitted a Zelle request.
Fast forward two weeks the Zelle request expired, I asked her about the money and she said they still hadn’t paid out the expense report, I figured whatever and submitted another request. Two more weeks went by and still she had not received the expense report, I told her to ask and she let me know that they would pay out on her next paycheck that was 2 weeks away, I submitted another Zelle request.
On her payday (yesterday) we went out for drinks and I asked her about it again. She admitted that she had received the money a few weeks back, and had already spent it on “us”. I got upset because she had promised me that money, and I told her it wasn’t for her to decide how to spend my money, money that wasn’t hers. She got defensive and said that it wasn’t my money, and that they had paid it into her account. Obviously I got furious and said some things that I probably shouldn’t have, and she finally sent me $800, which was the rest of her paycheck for the next two weeks. Honestly I don’t want her paycheck, I want the expense report money, I want the money that she promised to repay me and didn’t. I feel lied to and cheated on in a way and now she is pissed because she doesn’t have any money. Also if she gives me her whole paycheck then I am going to have to cover all of her expenses anyways so it doesn’t make sense, and will just create more resentment over the next 2-4 weeks..
She is mad at me, but she still hasn’t apologized, or even recognized any wrong doings because she feels like the money her work gave her is hers, and it’s fine because she spent it on “us”.
AITAH?
Comments
She maintained this lie on this level?
if you are ok with this and you are staying but just complaining, YTA.
If you are not ok with this and are staying anyway and also complaining, YTA
If you are not ok with this and trying to work it out, NTA and also go to an advice sub or something.
If you are ok with this and just going for a chuckle, have a beer
That’s some serious bs
Bye Bye Honey. Nice knowing you.
NTA – She is TA for continually lying and not paying you back. How are you going to stay in a relationship with a person who lied and stole your money and doesn’t even seem to care? If you stay, YTA to yourself and whatever else happens in the future is your own fault.
You gave her money and agreed that it would be reimbursed to you once your fiancée got her work refund. She violated that agreement.
It’s not just about the money. It’s about trust and respect. She misled you and spent the money without telling you, and is now acting as if you’re unreasonable for wanting what you’re owed. That’s a serious breach of trust.
Honestly this is a break-upable offense. She is terrible with money (maxed out cc and could not have afforded to go to the conference if it weren’t for you), she lied about the rental car, she stole the money from you and lied for weeks. She was hoping you’d just forget $800? She’s is also dumb.
NTA but I wouldn’t marry her.
NTA, your fiancee is manipulative and clearly does not keep her word. Not someone who I would consider a good partner.
Nta looks like shes one of the “your money is my money and my money is my money” type of person. You should strongly reconsider the whole marriage idea because the situation will never improve
Can’t trust someone who has a maxed out credit card to actually reimburse you.
Take this as a learning opportunity, you cannot marry this person until you fully know their financial situation. As once you are married, their debt is your debt. This behavior will repeat again and again over time if they do not get a true grasp on their finances now.
NTA and please do not ignore the bright flaming red flag in front of your eyes.
NTA, it’s maddening when someone takes advantage. You deserve honesty and respect. It’s like when my hubby “borrows” money… never again! But hey, at least you’ve got a cat who won’t do that, eh?
NTA but she’s been living off your wallet long enough- unless you want a permanent dependent that sees your money as shared and hers as hers only- let her go
Do not marry this woman. I would actually encourage you to move into different places. She has never learned how to budget or how to pay bills because you’ve been doing it for the entirety of your relationship. She had an opportunity to be a contributor in your relationship by just paying you back what she was reimbursed and she chose not only to not do that but to lie to you about it. This is a recipe for a disaster. Unless you are cool with continuing to be the sole provider and all her money is her money even though in this instance we saw that even money she owes you, is her money. Finances is one of the top causes of divorce and you already know that she does not have a good handle on hers. If you choose to get married, this will continue. And she will never learn how to live as an adult on her own and the value of a dollar. you will be forced to cover all the gaps of which, I promise, there will be many.
Nta. What did she spend the money on? Regardless, nta. But if it really was for both of you then I might be more lenient. But still nta
NTA.
She can’t be trusted man.
I think you should be referring to her as your ex-fiancée
Dump her immediately. And take her to court.
She literally stole and lied to you. Do not marry her
YOU will be the asshole if you stay with this woman. She just showed you who she is with her Big Girl Job. If this is how she rationalizes things, buddy you’re in trouble. RUN.
NTA. She lied to you and stole from you. You did not ask about this, but if you want some unsolicited advice, then I would have a conversation with her about how this made you feel. Maybe it made you feel betrayed. Maybe it makes you feel like it’s hard to trust her or it makes you question your future together. But I would be honest about it, and then I would see what she says. Then you’ve gotta decide whether this is the relationship for you.
NTA.
This is a huge red flag. Run away. Financial abuse is emotional abuse by another name. She’s just auditioned to be your ex fiancé and passed that test.
This would literally be the end of our relationship. She’s a selfish liar who didn’t even consider the impact her actions would have on you. She had no accountability. There’d be no trust and no relationship.
NTA. She’s a liar and a thief. Your move.
Lies are what they are. What they are about really defines the type of betrayal. And telegraphs the kind of lies they will tell in the future.
Please tell me she is not on the mortgage. If her finances are that much of a mess, maybe she needs to file for bankruptcy before the marriage. I could never marry someone that was in such a financial bind and so terrible with money and he lied to me and kept reimbursement money.
NTA
She doesn’t have any money. That’s what she’s telling you. She’s probably full of crap
She sucks at money matters, and will destroy your credit if you marry her.
NTA you’re just gullible. She knew what she was doing when she spent the reimbursement money. She probably didn’t give you the remainder of her paycheck either, but if she did it is because she knows you’ll just pay for her to live anyway
You gunna marry a money obsessed moron like that?
Good luck to you
This can’t be real. If this is real, I’m shocked you wouldn’t just say “ok”, get up, leave, break up with her and never speak to her again. Just using the term “big girl job” shows she loves to infantilize herself to con you out of money. You think so little of yourself that you would allow this level of gaslighting? Unreal. She’ll destroy your life in the end. Walk away while you still can. Soon she’ll get pregnant and your life will be over
NTA. Get the rest of your money and dump her. She has proven that she is bad with money and is a liar.
She scammed you and the whole thing sounds pretty sketch. Take the $800, dump her and chalk it all up to a very expensive lesson. Or sue her- best of luck with that.
Wow…. And I don’t see the prefix “EX” anywhere in that mess.
She’s a liar and a thief, who is bad at both.
She doesn’t respect you, she lies to your face and isn’t even ashamed of that fact.
DO YOU have any self respect or forethought?
THIS IS YOUR LIFE if you stay with her.
2K is probably a reasonable price to pay to get out of that relationship and saving you from 35+ years of misery.
USE that money wisely and GTFO.
This behavior will not magically change after you get married…keep that in mind.
This is your ex-girlfriend, right?
Red flags everywhere. Bad at using credit, overspending on a budget, lying, covering up lying with more lies, hiding info and money, no remorse, no humility, cavalier attitude, acting angry toward you when you ask about money that is rightly yours…
She doesn’t deserve to have you cover her bills – let alone, deserve to be in a relationship or marriage with you. And, she owes you full repayment. Without major counseling and financial counseling and admittance of responsibility on her part, you should walk away. Don’t get yourself into this financial mess or this lack-of-character mess. How could you ever trust her as your wife?
If you hadn’t paid for everything – she wouldn’t have been able to go in the work trip if her cards were maxed out?!
What would the consequences of not going have been and would her company pay for the expenses in advance or…?
She was fully aware of which expenses would be reimbursed and chose not to tell you beforehand.
That money was not ever hers to keep. She tried to defraud you, lie and break your trust for $1250?! Then she doubled down by saying : “She got defensive and said that it wasn’t my money, and that they had paid it into her account.” The money was paid into her account because she didn’t put your account info – which she could’ve done and this would have never been an issue.
She is a liar and a thief. Now you know how little you actually mean to her, since she did this as a cover to steal $1250.
This is not a good foundation for a relationship, most certainly not for a marriage.
YTAH
ETA – she owes you $1250($800 for the hotel and $450 for airfare) – so where’s the other $450??? Change in judgement – you facilitate her behavior
This is really gaslighting behavior. Many people misuse the term, but this is it. Consider it a red flag and walk away from this relationship; it will only get worse.
She is too much!!!! She should have gave you that money when it came in!! I would go no contact with her!! She gonna keep tapping you for money each chance she can
NTA
What did she blow that money on?
She is behaving like an underhanded snake.
If she is lying about money issues now, imagine what will happen once married
NTA. Maybe re-consider this engagement. Once you’re married, financial issues will not be any easier to figure out. In short, RUN
NTA.
I’ve read your post and some of your comments. I’m intrigued.
You pay the mortgage, car payments, car insurance, groceries. Basically everything. So ask her how she has spent the $1250 in the space of 2 weeks on things for both of you? What things? Because if she was spending $1250 over the space of a fortnight on things for BOTH of you, you would have noticed. And you didn’t.
She’s the one who said that the money was spent on both of you so she can’t argue if you ask her for details or receipts.
She stole from you. That is theft and there is no other way to look at it. It’s up to you what you do with the relationship but that kind of dishonesty needs a serious reality check and boundaries need to be placed.
YTA if you stay with her. From one of your comments it seems you are already paying for everything, what is she besides a lying thief that just sucks money from you. Do yourself a favor and dump her.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩She is not fiscally responsible. If you marry this girl, you will constantly be in a financial turmoil that she creates. She will think everything is fine because you are fixing the mess caused by her poor decisions. Take this lesson to heart and think hard about whether this is what you want the rest of your life to look like.
Tell me she’s no longer your fiance. There’s no way you can marry this kind of unworthiness. She broke trust. But to say you helped spend it, on us is ridiculous. Rethink that relationship.
It’s not just about the money. She is starting off your marriage by stealing from and lying to you…it’s a lack of respect. This is not a solid foundation for a marriage, and if she can’t see what she did wrong then that is a whole other issue
I’d definitely say yall need couples counseling before getting married. It seems to me like marrying you would set her up for life – yall have been together for a long enough time that I’m sure there is genuine love there, but it seems like one of you is taking and the other one is giving – and that’s not a partnership.
What kind of work trip doesn’t pay for the major expenses beforehand (Hotel, Flight)? You needed to ask more questions.
Time to reevaluate the relationship. NtA.
NTA-At this point, be glad you haven’t actually married her yet. This is only a taste of what you would be experience if you continue the relationship. I highly recommend you reconsider marriage and the relationship.
NTA obviously
She blew a months worth of her own pay in a week or so?
And told you it was for the both of you (which is obviously bullshit… otherwise she wouldn’t have initially defended it as “hers”).
Ask to see the account she withdrew the funds from. Let’s see where she spent the money.
As others have probably said… get paid back as much as you can and split. It’ll only get worse from here.
And you’ll be responsible for whatever debt she has after marriage… but most importantly, if she feels entitled to your $, AND she can’t be honest about her expenditures…
what else would she lie about?
Dude!?! Don’t walk, RUN away… Far away. This girl is spending YOUR money.
Have you not seen the red flags in her lack of ability to manage money? Having maxed out credit cards is a nuclear red flag! Completely unacceptable for someone who is being carried through life since you are paying her bills! Either decide to put up with her 5 year old spoiled attitude about money or cut this one loose. What a nightmare!
Do not let this go, or it will worsen. Financial dishonesty is a relationship deal-killer.
Why is she still your fiancé?
“It wasn’t my money, and that they had paid it into her account”
So she’s untrustworthy AND dumb. This is the end my friend.
Nta. She’s a liar and a thief. And you want to marry this taker?! Give your head a shake. Obviously, her money is hers, and your money is hers.
Further love of god… do not marry this woman! She has already proven she is aliar and a cheat, and has no problem doing both to your face. This will not improve and will only. Y get worse once your finances are coming led. GET. OUT. NOW!
Why haven’t you broken up with her yet?!?
I would be telling her that she needs to sell some of her shit because fuck that. She’s not going to cheat me out of money. And then dump her when you get the money back
She’s using you.. get out before you get trapped.
So she’s a thief?
Why are you with a thief?
Ask for receipts. I bet she got reimbursed for the rental car and she got per denim also. She’s screwing you and not in the fun way. NTA
Financial infidelity is what this is. Not a great predictor of long term compatibility.
She could not cover the expenses for a work related trip because her card was maxed out- so I’m assuming she does not have a company card?
But there are significant red flags here in terms of money management and her perception of debt/owing someone repayment.
Do you feel she will improve how she manages money once you are married?
Don’t marry this person
Fiancé? I’d rethink that. If she’s so desperate for money that she lies to you about it, wth is being married to her going to be like? I’d send back any overpayment and move on.
If this was a friend, would you see it for what it is? This is only going to get worse. She’s going to feel more entitled once you’re married. This is a big red flag. Wake up. NTA now, but if you allow this behaviour to continue, you just might be.
I had a BF that fronted me a few $100 to pay a medical bill I’d get reimbursed, I just had to pay up front and file the claim. As soon as the check came in, I tried to give it to him. He insisted I keep it. I tried to get him to take it (he made significantly more than me & knew I could use it). I never even thought to hold it against him if he allowed me to pay him back. I was very grateful (and paid for dinner the next time we went out).
NTA. She’s lying & stealing from you now. It’s not going to get better when you are legally bond to each other. It’s just going to hurt you financially & emotionally more.
NTA – and I would seriously worry about marrying someone who is being so manipulative and deceptive regarding money, especially when you’re supposed to have a future together where shared money becomes a part of the deal.
Dear god please end this relationship
OP when will you realize you shouldn’t marry a girl with a maxed out credit card who is obviously using you for money?
Nta. Wtf she lied to you for weeks and stole from you. Amd you are marrying this person? Can you even trust her? I would be questioning whether or not to marry because she could have easily kept her check and given you the money. What else is she gonna lie, cheat, and steal from you during the marriage?
NTA, she’s immature at best. Must be some good pussy.
That’s what you get for dating trash.
You wanna get married to someone that is that bad with money??
Actually do you know how much she got back? Just because you expensed $1250 doesn’t mean she got that much. Dinners usually have expense limits, some even put limits on hotels if there are lots of options. Regardless NTA it should have gone to you. Also, I’ve never liked personally when ppl bring their significant others on our company trips and know it makes me seem like TAH.
NTA. So she has you covered the expenses for a work trip which her work should have covered anyway they should have made the reservations everything should have been paid for by her work that’s usually how it works. So she might have been lying about that too who knows but I guess not since you actually charge the stuff on your card. Be that as it may yes she should have paid you back for all that stuff not quite sure if you were supposed to get 1250 back or 800 here don’t care where it came from it’s your own fault she spent the money when she should have immediately transferred what she owed you. Instead saying ooh windfall.
So one thing that shows you is she’s not a person of her word. Two, when she gets a bonus or some kind of unexpected money she’s going to blow it. You really want to be with someone like that? Sorry I’d be dumping her and she can figure out her own expenses for the next two weeks. In any case don’t pay for things for her for the next 2 weeks okay not your responsibility. She could have given you $400 and then giving you another $400 out of her next pay that would have been the smart way of handling it as long as she followed through and did it.
I just saw even paying her expenses for years. Oh my God wake up she’s been using you all this time and the fact that she wouldn’t even pay you back after she got reimbursed, she was just hoping you forget about it and let her keep the money. Don’t marry this girl please. Make sure your birth control is solid don’t take her word for it that she’s on the pill or has an IUD or oh I can’t get pregnant. Use condoms that you supply that she can’t get a hold of and or dump her. If all of a sudden in the month she comes to you saying she’s pregnant, you get a paternity test done before the child is born. It will either not be yours or oops I wasn’t pregnant after all I thought I was but I never actually took a pregnancy test. So if you stay you’re an idiot. If you actually leave go get some therapy and wonder why it took you this long to wise up
ESH I don’t understand how these situations happen. Sunk cost fallacy is hitting you hard because even after 7 years ur being used as a piggy bank and this person obviously has no idea how to manage their finances. She’s obviously in the wrong for not paying you back, but I doubt this is the first time in 7 years there’s been questionable financial management, so YTA if you didn’t expect this and continue to stay expecting anything to change. Also it’s fiancée.
NTA, but seriously, why are you engaged to someone who is this irresponsible? You really want to build a life with someone like that? Having a maxed out credit card is enough. Stiffing you for the cost if the trip and lying about it is just icing on the cake.
Move on but don’t walk away….RUN fast. Seems like she feels entitled and who know what else is she hiding from you.
Financial Infidelity is one of the top reason relationships fail. I would consider her untrustworthy and start to disengage in this relationship.
Where’s the trust??? Major building block to a successful marriage. So what happens when you two get married???
Will there always be a money problem, money missing and spent. This is a huge lie.
Don’t marry into that
My question to you is ; if she lies about this what else will she lie to you in the future, past? Also, people who don’t apologize are not ever a growing person and they would rather stay in their perfect world never taking full responsibility for being human and living up to their mistakes and responsibility. Is this what you want in your life? I think you deserve better. If you stay, and another event happens, only blame yourself for staying.
NTA she should be ex fiance now.
NTA – You are financially incompatible. She has no idea how to handle money, as seen by her maxing out her credit card. She needs to at least learn about finances before you commit to this person further. She sees you as a wallet to contribute to her lifestyle.
Lied to you “in a way”???? NTA but your “fiancee” sure is. Also it makes no sense to give you her entire paycheck. Set up a repayment plan that will be acceptable to both of you.
Dude, F the money. She lied to you, lied about the lie, tripled down on the lie, and then tried to make you feel like the AH. Sounds like a case of what’s hers is hers and what’s yours is ours.
No reason to lose a fiancé’ but a long talk is in order. Do you have separate financial accts? I’d keep it that way. I’d also keep this in the back of my head for future “shared” expenses. I hope it works out for you.