My fiancée and I were talking about sexual fantasies the other day, and she mentioned that hers is a “one night stand.” She quickly clarified that she wants to be married and committed, and that she’s not looking to act on it but it still hit me in a weird way.
For context: she’s only been with one other person before me. I’ve been with 5, one long-term relationship, and four hookups in short succession after the breakup. Then we met a few months later (2 years ago). She knows this. I’ve also told her that I regret those hookups and that they left me feeling empty.
In the moment, I didn’t judge her or react negatively. I just accepted it and moved on. But now, a few days later, I can’t stop thinking about it. It hurts. It’s not even that it’s a sexual thing, it’s that her fantasy doesn’t even involve me. It’s something I associate with a totally different mindset than the one I thought we both shared.
We’re two weeks out from our wedding. I thought we were totally aligned on values. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been telling myself a story that isn’t 100% true.
I’m not worried that she’ll cheat or anything like that. I trust her. But this just created some emotional distance I wasn’t expecting. I want to feel like we’re on the same page before we make this lifelong commitment.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Is this something I should bring up again or let go? I’m not trying to make her feel bad, but I also don’t want to carry this feeling into our marriage.
Would appreciate honest thoughts.
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You can totally role play that. Assume different names and meet up at bar or restaraunt you’ve never been to “pick her up”, take her to a motel, voila. Then one of you goes home alone the other stays, and you meet up the next morning for after care
Sounds like a cute opportunity for some RP. You both go to the bar separately dressed in your best. You approach her at the bar pretending to be a stranger offer to buy her a drink and hope she doesn’t reject you so you can take her home
Dealbreaker for monogamous relationships. ONS with someone else?
Hell no. Stop the wedding
if you’re sure she won’t cheat, remember that a fantasy is a FANTASY. and we all have our private lives. my partner and i often talk about even what porn we watch, and sometimes it is NOTHING like what we actually want, which is each other.
“My fiancée and I were talking about sexual fantasies the other day, and she mentioned that hers is a “one night stand.”
This is not good news. Moreover, that she thought this news would be accepted without issue.
People will tell you that many people have fantasies but would never act on them. That’s mostly true, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t pining away for the experience. How will you ever be able to trust her when she needs to go on a work trip or “out with the girls”?
It would make sense that her fantasy doesn’t involve you. Fantasies are often something that will never be realized. I wouldn’t take it as personally as you are. Easier said than done, I know.
It’s okay to feel a bit off about it… sometimes fantasies don’t have to mean much but they can stir up stuff you didn’t expect and that’s really normal, maybe bring it up gently with your fiancée so you both can work through whatever’s going on before the big day.
Lesson learned? Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answers to.
Fulfill her fantasy. Play the game. Pretend for one night that you don’t know each other. Let her go in and sit at a bar. Go in and flirt with her. Then, pick her up and take her to a hotel. Treat her a little rough a little less intimate. Sharing and playing out fantasies is healthy and exciting
A fantasy is something that is not reality! its not her wildest dream or her sexual bucket list or a goal, its a FANTASY.
I would love to imagine having sex on the beach but in reality I would hate that and be very uncomfortable! She’s just telling you a thought that she finds enticing or exciting conceptually. Not in reality. I highly doubt she has been misrepresenting her goals for her life and relationships and desire for lifelong commitment. If that was the case then she would have lived her life differently. What do her actions and character show you?? Get a grip
You’re being dramatic about this. She’s just saying she likes the idea of novelty, spontaneity and excitement. Do some roleplaying, talk about the idea during sex. Go to a bar and pretend not to know each other. Etc.
That’s bad. Fantasy should be with you. Call it off.
I mean she just voiced a fantasy that she’s never had and she voiced that to you probably because she never expects it to happen. I don’t see any reason to question your relationship. This seems like a normal conversation and especially because she immediately said she doesn’t want to act on it
Go with that intuition my guy — call off the engagement.
That’s a red flag fantasy since you’re not involved.
If she comes home late one night, that’s gonna sit in the back of your mind.
A lot of scenarios where that could play out. Not worth the risk imo
Oh grow up… You said you had 4 hookups that you now regret… didn’t you regret it after the first, second or third one?
You are judging her for a FANTASY, that she made clear she doesn’t want to act out, while she accepted that you had these hookus in reality. I think what you should reconsider is your own attitude towards her, cause right now it’s gross.
Don’t talk about fantasies if you aren’t stable or mature enough to hear them.
She shared something with you, a fantasy, and has given you no reason (that you wrote) to believe she has any intent on living that fantasy.
You’re struggling to process it.
Maybe you aren’t ready for that kind of sexual honesty, and she should probably kept future thoughts to herself.
So, she’s never had one before and you’re upset at her for being curious about it? I mean she is still a human being.
I don’t think you are being fair to her. You both were discussing fantasies. One of hers is something you have already experienced. Idk why you have a problem with her discussing a fantasy.
It’s a fantasy, give it to her. Pretend to pick her up in a bar and take her home for meaningless sex. A little role play would be fun.
you have weirdly puritanical views about sex & i find this whole post so annoying
Please don’t judge her for telling you her fantasy and make her feel a way about it. You will set the stage for controversial conversations in the future. Like others have said… role play!
Why did you think she would share your mindset about 1 night stands when your mindset has been formed through experience?
I’ve had 1, at the time all my friends were egging me on and telling me it would help me get over my break-up from a long term partner. It didnt. I felt cheap and gross after, and it wasn’t even good.
My point is, I had to do that to know I didn’t like it. Just like everyone else(mostly lol), we learn through experience.
My wife was in a similar situation. Reacted with astonishment more than mere surprise. We already were married, which was helpful. Eventually, she used it as a learning experience and added small portions of it to RP – as her idea.
It comes down to trust. If you felt that you could trust your fiancée with money, could you trust her chastity? If yes, take it as a compliment that she offered a moment of deep vulnerability.
Her fantasy doesn’t involve someone else either. It’s a nameless, faceless scenario. The idea gets her hot and bothered.
This is a non issue to me. It’s even something you could play out or dirty talk her through during sex.
I understand the way this can make you feel.
As far as I know, it is good to not conflate a fantasy with what someone would actually want to see happen in reality – it can be but it doesn’t need to be. And since you say you completely trust her and don’t think she’d act upon this, it might be more harmless than you instinctually think.
I think it is also quite natural and common that people crave both stability, structured and persistent love on the one hand, and novelty and excitement on the other. Alain de Botton has written about this, describing the contradiction between the compelling paradigms of being a libertine and that of being a married romantic.
These two sources, especially the second one, by Esther Perel may be useful too:
https://www.estherperel.com/blog/what-you-dont-understand-about-sexual-fantasies
https://www.estherperel.com/blog/sexual-taboos-sexual-fantasy
It’s also mentioned in these sources that fantasies, especially if they have some kind of (perceived) taboo attached to them, are often hidden, not shared. From that perspective I’d think it’s good to not judge fantasies that your partner shares
I hope this is somehow useful in making up your mind about your situation.
All the best!
The most soft core fantasy ever lol.
In all honesty, it says she’s likely very controlled and buttoned up, she will likely never do it because she doesn’t want to be out of control, but that’s what makes it sexy.
So you say, “want to have a one-night stand?”
“Go to the bar, order a drink, and relax, I’ll drop some pickup lines and take you back to my hotel for a one-nighter.”
It’s safe, it’s with you, and if she’s got a good imagination, she’ll eat it up.
You’re welcome.
As the other comments have said, a fantasy is just a fantasy, but for a different perspective, have you considered if she might enjoy roleplay? You can go out to a bar and pretend it’s your first time meeting, flirt and buy her drinks and then take her home.
This is a puzzle. I worry since she’s not been with many people, she may wonder what she’s missed.
I would have a sit down and tell her your concerns. Ask her if she wants to postpone the wedding and explore to make sure you are what she wants because you are feeling a bit taken aback from her fantasy being a one night stand. Fantasy’s are fantasy’s but, some people go through with them. Your feelings are definitely valid because I would wonder throughout the marriage if my spouse had one night stands while we are married. But, then again, pretty much any fantasy she could have said involving another person would be just as bad.
Were you expecting her to say something more vanilla involving no other people? Just talk to her and express your concerns that she will have these one night stands and cheat. See what she says. If you’re not worried she will cheat and she assures you she wants only you, then love is worth taking a chance. Then make her wish come true. Have her give you a random , sexy name. Don’t tell her why. Just ask her. Plan a date night out at a hotel but don’t tell her. Send her a message from this sexy name she gives you and start your roleplay. Say something like you’re in town and just have to have her and all that… tell her not to tell her fiance and if he asks where’s she’s going to tell him she’s going fishing or something silly like that that you know she wouldn’t do. Give her a time to meet. Take it up a notch and ask her to wear something red or whatever color you like. Then back at home while’s getting ready, ask her where’s she’s going? When she says fishing, it will be funny but try not to laugh and play along. When she starts to leave, ask why she’s wearing that color? Play it up. When she leaves, go put on your disguise: a cheesy 60s outfit showing your chest wearing lots of chains and a mustache. Whatever you want to wear… bikers outfit…. Whatever. Then meet her at the hotel and bring wine.
Show her she can have the best one night stands with you.
Then back at home, ask her where’s she’s been? Why was she gone all night. lol then play naive and believe her.
Plan something like this once in a while.
Maybe her fantasy is really having a one night stand while married. I wouldn’t be able to move forward in the relationship with that knowledge.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want real answers to
Well, I guarantee she’ll never share a fantasy with you again.
Honestly, i feel like you’re overreacting. What’s the actual issue? Your values are still aligned. She shared a very mild fantasy with you. You’ve experienced hook ups before, she hasn’t, your regrets are not her regrets. Yall can play dress up and role play for a night as strangers.
ONS’ don’t usually live up to the hype….
Why talk about fantasies if its possible you’ll call the marriage off if you hear one you don’t like? She has not actually done it so you getting upset about it isn’t logical
It’s just a fantasy. She opened it up to you because she trusts that you trust her enough to know that she will never do that. I think this is just you making an excuse to not go ahead with the wedding. You have more body count than her so stop wasting her time if you don’t really plan to marry her.
So she shouldn’t even have a fantasy that doesn’t involve you? FANTASY!! how ridiculous…
Don’t ask questions you can’t handle the answers to. You were talking about fantasies, she shared hers. It’s a fantasy and nothing more.
it’s that her fantasy doesn’t even involve me. Well boo-fucking-hoo. Why would you think any fantasy (big make-believe no-holds-barred sex fantasy) would have anything to do with you? Instead of learning something interesting about how your fiancee’s mind works, you turned into a ‘My feels are hurt because it’s not about MEEE!’.
Don’t carry these ‘feelings’ into your marriage because they are borne out of your insecurity and self-centeredness. This is a You Problem. Don’t make her pay for it.
So you can literally screw four people you barely knew, which obviously doesn’t include your fiance, and that is ok. However, fiancé merely has a sexual fantasy about sex with a stranger- and you are upset her fantasy isn’t about you?! Kinda hypocritical don’t you think? Now that it’s been stated minus feelings and looks extremely absurd, now you know how absurd it is and can laugh about how silly you were.
Fantasies are fantasies. Like do you know how many book readers have a fantasy about banging someone with bat wings? Respectfully, I think you have some insecurities that need addressed and that communication with your fiancé is key here.
Yeah you seem like a dickbutt dude.
You need to lighten up. She’s literally never had one, of course it’s a FANTASY. Something that will never happen. It’s just a hypothetical curiosity. Maybe it stems from wanting spontaneity, more immediate passion, etc., not the fact that it’s hypothetically with someone else. If she’s not judging you for literally having 4 (you’d think you would have learned after the first), you have no room to judge her curiosity.
a fantasy is a fantasy. think about “booktok girls” a lot read about stuff they find hot in theory, but would actually be a major turn off irl. the solution to fantasies like this is to make a fun roleplaying date out of it.
It is disgusting for people to judge their partner having a fantasy of something they themselves have done. You regretting it after four times in no way absolves you of doing it. So you have no place to judge her or to think that your values are misaligned.
If she wants one-night stands, why has she been with so few people?
My guess: it’s not a behavior that she would be super comfortable with in real just life, it’s just a fantasy. Maybe it’s even a fantasy BECAUSE it’s outside her comfort zone.
Indulge her fantasy with role-play. Make sure she feels free and emotionally unconstrained in the relationship.
You’ll never be able to shake this feeling.
I feel sorry for your fiancee ngl. Damn.
Do you just want an out? Then bail. Or is this insecurity?
She wants to role play with you. Get your acting boots and a pretend you don’t know each other and is both single
Her sexual fantasies–like yours–predate her ever meeting you. They have nothing to do with you at all, and she doesn’t necessarily ever want to act on them. Fantasies aren’t plans, or we’d all be stalking celebrities. Shake it off. If you can’t even handle the idea that she has her own fantasies, you’re not secure enough for marriage.
My fantasy is something I would never ever do. That’s why it’s a fantasy!! If you can’t handle her telling you about a fantasy without freaking out you have bigger issues. Whats your fantasy? A threesome? Being tied up? Blindfolded? It’s normal to think about these things. Other people have mentioned role playing and it’s a great idea. And fun. This is 100% a you issue and nothing to do with her.
Sometimes too much sincerity is not good
Well she may be setting the stage for her to have a ONS after you are married. I think you need to at the very least tell her if she ever cheats you will divorce her immediately. No if’s and or but’s just straight to divorce. It won’t matter if you have kids cheating is off the table.
I feel so sorry for this woman who has no idea 2 weeks away before getting married that you are feeling emotionally distant from her.
I’d say fuck all that
It was a freudian slip which spells danger. Id surveil her
Why people in here talking like marriage is not the combination of 2 people, I don’t have fantasies about other people ??
INFO: what is your fantasy?
I don’t think comparing yourselves based on differing fantasies immediately points to a difference of values or mindset or that you’re not on the same page.
What matters most is holding space for your partner when they share something vulnerable like that. It’s one thing to ask the question assuming you’ll be ok with any answer. It’s another to actually be ok with any answer.
You have to find a way to work completely past it or be completely honest within yourself and your values to be okay with it because this can built resentment in the long run and you don’t want to be subconsciously unhappy in your marriage
Gosh I have a lot of fantasies I would never actually want to play out. I wouldn’t worry about it, honestly.
You might need to question if you’re emotionally mature enough to commit to marriage. Exploring the dark and obscure corners of your partner’s mind is something that can actually bring you closer together if you put aside the judgement and insecurities for a moment. Maybe you feel like you’re better than her because you think, “I could never imagine doing such a thing.” But maybe you should just giver her some understanding and grace and realize there is an appeal to that scenario that’s not uncommon to man and is indeed something that you actually engaged in.
She shared her intimate secret fantasy, and you are punishing her for it, by being hurt, emotionally distanced and overthinking it. If someone should reconsider marriage, it’s her.
Run. There is no talk that can solve this.
Kinda sounds like cold feet talking. Your wedding is edging closer there’s a lot of stress that can come with that especially if she’s a hot headed bride it’s not unusual for partners to subconsciously try and find things their partner is doing to give them a out cause no matter how long you been together full lifelong commitment can be scary.
That said talk to her about it but don’t turn it into a fight because at the end of the day it’s not worth fighting about. As others said a fantasy is just that. A fantasy. Not reality just something you’d like to do or try some more realistic than others but this is definitely something you can use to play with her before your wedding to relieve some stress for both of you and bring you together. Ask her if she’d like to try a lil role play with you. Such as others suggested asking her to dress in her finest and dress yourself like your out to bring home a woman go to the bar before her and wait when she shows up give chase but her drinks, flirt, and do everything in your power to get her home. Make her feel wanted and chased. If y’all wish to develop it from there buy a prepaid cellphone and flirt with her through it with her permission. Helps keep things fresh and fun if it’s needed. Can come in handy after argument too ie sending the cheesiest flirty messages to remove any lingering tension from fights and a good way to send apologies. Point is her fantasy is an easy and common one that y’all can do together. Enjoy that
Role play is pretty awesome. I’m just saying.
I’ve done CNC scenarios, and it’s kind of an adrenaline rush.
Going to a bar and pretending to be a stranger that hook up is a classic. Wouldn’t recommend the car sex afterwards though, its too damn cramped unless you have a van or a 3 row car that can fold the seats down.
What’s your sexual fantasy? A 3some? Is it better because she’s there in it lol
You got jealous and I empathise with that but rethinking the wedding… crazy.
If you’re not mature enough to be discussing fantasies with your partner, then don’t.
Get over yourself! Fantasies are just that. I have many fantasies, but I have never acted them out and have no intention to. Sharing her fantasy with you is very intimate and takes a huge amount of trust.
Go watch the first 5 minutes of the movie Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon. This is a common female fantasy, especially if you are someone who would never do this IRL.
I don’t understand why people have these conversations if they can’t handle an honest answer. It’s a fantasy, it’s not real. She isn’t saying she actually wants to have sex with other people and she’s not saying she’s fantasising about a specific person, it would be you and her pretending you just met or pretending to be other people. It’s something completely made up for the sake of a bit of novelty, which surely everyone needs to in a long-term relationship. I have no idea why you are equating this with values or compatibility.
What would have been an acceptable fantasy? What was your answer? Can you honestly say that in the entire history of your relationship, you’ve never had a sexual thought about anyone else, whether real, celebrity or fictional, you’ve only ever exclusively thought about her, even when your flying solo? I’m sorry but this giving fragile male ego so hard. If you make a big deal out of this, you’re probably going to kill any chance of her opening up sexually again, and you will also compromise the emotional safety of the relationship due to your judgments and doubts.
Something that has clearly not been made clear to you, which shouldn’t really have to be but obviously is, is that…. No 2 people are 100% aligned on their values! Also sexual fantasies are in no way values!!!! You really should give her a break considering her actual values align with your pretend values. Her values are displayed in the fact that she hasn’t had a one night stand and you obviously don’t align with her values because you have had 4!
Dude, check out Nancy Friday’s books about female fantasies.
Women have some really, really out there fantasy lives and they almost never act on it. This is tame, and nothing.
Seriously, read those books – it’ll give you a whole new view of women.
Imagine making a huge amount of emotional distance and convincing yourself that your fiancee no longer shares the same values as you and you’ve been deluding yourself about it, over the most soft core FANTASY (key word there) that your fiancee has. This is actually embarrassing, man. It’s a fantasy, not a reality. Ever heard of Role play? Go out, tell her you’ll meet her at a dinner spot, and pretend you’re just meeting her for the first time, then hook up. This is a fun opportunity to spice things up with your girl, and you’re getting in your head over something so immature that i worry for the future of your marriage if you can’t handle something like this. Also, 4 hook ups and you judge her for a mere fantasy? Comes across pretty hypocritical dont you think?
Back when Pat Riley coached the Lakers, he tried to forbid players’ wives and girlfriends from coming along on away games.
Michael Cooper would sneak out to meet his wife for a tryst then get back to the hotel before the team got assembled for the morning.
He said it kind of supercharged his marriage. You may not have the resources to fly to another city and get a hotel, but there are cheaper options.
She opened the door for you to play out her fantasy. Act on it.
Just because she wants a “one night stand” doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want one with you.
Good luck, stay safe, and most importantly.. have fun!
I mean, I’m not trying to yuck somebody’s yum but is that really the thing to discuss a few days before marriage? “I dream of meaningless sex with a stranger but I’m totally committed to marriage, really…”
It sounds like she’s trying to provoke a reaction.
I have really intense fantasies that I’d NEVER actually engage in. I know once it was over I wouldn’t feel good about myself. So I’ll never do it.
Maybe it’s this way for her? If you’re not worried she’ll cheat, I’d say you’re good.
Are you sure you want to get married? Rethinking marriage because of something like this seems a bit over the top.
beyond fucking weird to me that people are encouraging this shit 😆 porn and hook up culture have made a mockery of love
Pre-wedding jitters.
That’s a super mild fantasy. Her sexuality exists outside of you. You don’t have any fanstasies? If you’re unhappy you can leave.
talking about sexual fantasies and then getting insecure and jealous after she opens up to you about one is like, crazy. sorry. instead of making her feel shitty about it maybe figure out a way to play out that fantasy with her.
ITT: OP is fragile.
I get why you’d feel this way, but it’s a fantasy. Often times things sound better as fantasies than when happening in real life. Odds are she’d feel pretty badly afterwards if she did it irl even if she was single because of her history of monogamy and limited sexual history. I think she might just wish she had slept around a little, but she probably knows deep down that it wouldn’t make anything better at all.
Like other commenters suggest, maybe you could play this one out together somehow. Arrive separately someplace, assume aliases, hook up in the bar and then go to a hotel.
And maybe you should tell her about your complicated feelings regarding her answer. You asked though, and sometimes we shouldn’t ask questions we don’t want answers to.
Get that prenup ready. She’s gunna cheat on you since her ‘experimenting curiousity’ isn’t over yet.
Everyone has fantasies! It’s not wrong.
I have fantasies, my wife has fantasies.
I would be more concerned about the fact she’s only ever been with one other guy.
She will always fantasize?
Then give it to her you toddler. ONS w/UPS driver, ONS w/water delivery guy, get creative.