FIL (70M) and me (33F) have generally had a decent relationship the last 4 years we have known each other.
Last week, he came over to visit my 6 month old baby while my husband was at work. He was very snappy, cold, and barely made an effort to talk to me. I then relayed this to my husband when he came home and my husband spoke to his father about his behavior, to which FIL insisted he did nothing wrong. Whatever.
So then the next few days when he came over, I also refrained from talking with him too much. I would say hi, offer him something to eat or drink and carry on with my other chores.
Flash forward to yesterday, FIL came back to visit and and randomly starts verbally attacking me very angrily while I was doing dishes claiming I’m being hostile, ignoring him, trying to split up him and his son, etc. Also I should note my mother was also visiting at the time, so he yelled at me both in front of my own mother and my own baby.
He was extremely loud, confrontational, got all up in my face, and caused my baby to start crying hysterically as well.
Luckily my husband was home, so he intervened right away, yelled back at his dad, and asked FIL to apologize, which he did although begrudgingly.
Now, apparently FIL is very sorry and ashamed of his behavior and wants to make it up to me.
I can’t help but be extremely shaken up by this. I’ve been nothing but very nice to my husband’s entire family the entire time I’ve known them, often even going out of the way to help them out or give them gifts.
How do I move on from here? I don’t care about maintaining a relationship with FIL anymore, but my husband is very close with his family and he has always treated me well in our marriage and wishes we would reconcile.
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If this is out of character for him, encourage your husband to have him seen by a doctor. Sometimes this behavior can be a sign of dementia.
Act like a kid, get treated like one. He just lost his baby privileges. If your husband complains, ask if he wants a happy wife or a happy dad.
Your fil should no longer be allowed to visit. If he wants to see the baby he can meet you AND your husband somewhere in public. He sounds abusive and you should only be around him in public with your spouse
You may need to have FIL checked for dementia if this is out of character for him.
No more dropping in for the old crank. He can visit by appointment and only when your husband is home.
Just going to echo- if this behavior is out of character or if it’s been increasing gradually, he needs to see a doctor. There could be something else going on that is causing this behavior.
As for moving on, concentrate on your new baby and let your husband deal with his father. Be polite, but distant when you have to see him. If he starts yelling, remove yourself and baby from the room or house.
If this behavior is truly out of character and there are no other possible reasons for it then I really suggest you get FIL evaluated. There are several ailments that can cause behavioral changes in older adults such as dementia or a brain tumor.
If this behavior CAN be explained away, keep him at arms length. You don’t want an unpredictably aggressive man around your infant. Good luck, OP
Typical boomer behavior.
It’s your husbands job to keep up his relationship with his dad. You don’t have to have any relationship with his family. You’re married to your husband, not them. Period.
I agree with the people thinking this is dementia. Either way he is not allowed to come to your house and scare your son while he yells at you. You and your family deserve to be safe in your own home.
LOW CONTACT at a minimum
My mom had an episode like this when her dementia was setting in about a year and a half ago. It’s fortunately never happened again, and she can’t remember shit, but she’s nice and her usual self a lot. I’m sorry you had this happen, it’s very unnerving. Like everyone is saying, the hard truth is he’s 70; time to get checked.
I would try to reconcile, but that doesn’t mean you have to be alone with him again if you’re concerned he might repeat that behavior.
If this is out of character have him checked out. There are a number of things that are healthy related. Geriatric health concerns often present very differently. For instance a bladder infection (UTI) can exacerbate dementia symptoms, as in it (UTI) can change personally and temperament.
Your Fil needs to be seen by his Dr. for a work up on his health. Don’t ignore the signs of something going on with him . Dementia can present itself this way. If he has a wife then let her know so she can take him. This behavior is very much a cause for concern.
I worked bedside for 2 years and a UTI can make old people act like this. If it is dementia Men usually get angry when they are confused and women get apologetic.
Don’t allow him over if you don’t have a witness. Get cameras. Bc it will be you against him, and your the new person in the family.
Dementia
I think a nice break from each other would be good regardless of what you choose to do later
Yea see a Dr could be simple like a UTI and easily treated or could be worse such as dementia like others have been saying
I agree with him needing to be checked by a doctor.
You can also set boundaries. FIL is not allowed to visit unless hubby is home. Protect yourself and your baby.
Also stop letting your father-in-law come over. Put a lock on the door or just don’t answer the door.
Dementia, heart issues, bladder infection, and stroke are the first things that come to mind when reading your story. It might be worth getting him seen and if something is found it could explain why his behavior has changed.
Well for starters, don’t open the door for him anymore
Base on your post this is uncharacteristic of FIL. He needs to be checked by his physician or a neurologist. He may have some issues with a possible stroke or early onset dementia.
If he is married, has your husband talked to his mother about his dad’s behavior?
Definitely have your husband get him to a Dr. Could be any number of things going on like stroke or dementia.