Hi, I need some outside perspective on my difficult situation.
I grew up not knowing who my biological dad was. Every time I asked my mom, she either avoided the question or said she didn’t know. That answer hurt, especially as I got older and struggled with my identity.
My childhood was complicated. My mom worked in the capital while I lived with family friends until I was seven. Eventually, she met my stepdad, moved to another country with him, and later brought me over. By then, I barely knew her, and my stepdad was a complete stranger. My younger sister was born before I moved and my relationship with my stepdad quickly turned toxic. I spent years feeling like I didn’t belong in my own home.
As I grew older, I started wondering more about my biological father. At 18, after years of my mom refusing to tell me anything, I decided to take a DNA test. I wasn’t expecting much—just some information about where I came from. When the results came back, they showed I had Irish ancestry, along with a match to a woman in her 70s, estimated to be the grandniece of my parents. I sent her a message, hopeful, but got no reply. Eventually, I gave up. It felt pointless to keep chasing a ghost.
Then, six years later—out of nowhere—I got a message back. My great-grandmother had finally responded. She was kind and willing to help, even suggesting I take another DNA test through a different site where she had more family matches. While waiting for the results, she spoke with relatives, and a story came up about a cousin’s son who had lived in Australia and recently moved back with his daughter. A memory flashed in my head—one of my mom’s drunken slip-ups where she’d mention I was half-Australian. Something told me this was him.
I found him and his daughter on Facebook and, against my better judgment, messaged them before getting my test results. A mistake. He ignored me, and his daughter blocked me. That stung, but when my results came back in May 2024, they confirmed what I already knew—this man was my biological father.
I reached out to my highest DNA matches, and one of my newfound cousins helped me get in touch with him. Through this, I also discovered I had three siblings—an older sister (35), a younger sister (25), and a newborn brother. It turned out my dad only knew about the two youngest kids; he had no memory of my mom and no idea I existed. All four of us had different mothers, and there could be even more of us out there.
At first, my dad and I exchanged messages through the DNA site, then moved to email—something that felt weirdly formal. Over time, his replies became slower. Minutes turned into hours, then days, then months. While he went silent, I kept in touch with the rest of my new family, slowly piecing together the truth. I learned that even after I had reached out, his wife still didn’t know about me. Last Christmas, my name was the elephant in the room—something no one could bring up because she was there.
Eventually, I sent him an email telling him how I felt. I told him I wanted to have a real conversation, but if he wasn’t interested, I needed him to say it outright so I could move on. His response shattered me but was deep down expected.
He said he and his wife were sleep-deprived from taking care of the baby and didn’t have time to reply (which I think is a BS excuse). Then he said he never missed me because he never knew I existed(which is fair). And finally, he made it clear—his life with his wife and kids was full, and there was no space for me in it. The best he could offer was answering any questions I had, but that was it.
I had spent years searching for him, wondering about him, only to find out I was just an afterthought. That hurt more than anything. But I refuse to keep holding onto something that isn’t there. I’ve decided to cut contact with him for my own peace of mind. It’s heartbreaking, but I know now that I have to move forward—without him.
Thank you for reading, any advice for me?
TL;DR
I grew up not knowing my father, and my mom claimed she didn’t know who he was. At 18, I took a DNA test, but it wasn’t until six years later that a match led me to my biological dad in 2024.
He ignored me at first, then admitted he had no space for me in his life and kept me a secret from his wife. Realizing I wasn’t a priority, I chose to cut ties and move on.
Comments
If you’re an adult, you should also cut contact with your egg donor. From your description, she also always saw you as an afterthought.
I think you made a wise decision. I think it would be fair to ask him (or any other relatives) for health updates that may be relevant to you, but that’s about it. It’s really unfortunate that he would treat you this way but some people are just like that. Would it be possible to talk to some of your other relatives on his side? How is all of that going?
I have a really awful father (he refused to even answer my most basic questions even after he said he would and he has always known I’ve been out there, he just refused to pay child support) and I know how it hurts. I’m sorry.
Everyone has their own story to tell and their own life to live. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, as it is your own personal story. But, I am sorry you didn’t find what you wanted from your father.
I grew up with an abusive father that I wished would not come home every single day. I have cut contact with both parents (both were abusive, but he was worse) for the 3rd and final time a few years ago. I cannot deal with their horrible behavior any longer. It was not physically abusive after I passed age 20, but it never really got better.
Look at it this way. You have your health. I hope you are happy otherwise. You might be better off without having had him raise you. You will never know. He could have been an even bigger jerk than he is to you now. He could have been abusive.
I would suggest that you realize that while you put your heart into looking for him, and it didn’t turn out the way you hoped…. be happy for what you DO have.
So nothing really that different then.
Jesus Christ, the adults in your life are the poster boys and girls of people needing a license to have kids. Forget about them, they don’t know how to parent and I presume both of them didn’t want to either when you were born.
It’s time for you to find your real family. Relatives and friends who you can have relationships with. As they say, family is not necessarily blood. Good luck.
If your sperm and egg donor finally have the epiphany of wanting you, that might either be they need money or a kidney.
Can you sue both/either of your parents for back child support? Talk to a lawyer. People who bring kids into this world and discard them should be made to pay dearly
I am so sorry. Everyone deserves their happy ending but it seems there are steps to yours. You will find your way through. It’s your family, find your person to help
He may not want you in his life, but it sounds like you have made connection to cousins and other relatives through your search. Are you getting to know the ones who are willing to communicate with you? It’s not the same as having a father, but at least you are making some connections that you would have otherwise not had. I’d continue to explore these relationships, and they may lead to some others if you are open to it.
When I was in graduate school, my mom called and said I needed to come home the next weekend. My sister was there. I was terrified. I thought somebody had cancer or something. She said I have something to tell you. You have a half sister you know nothing about. My dad, when he was in high school, long before he met my mom, got a girl pregnant, and she never told him. He never had any idea this child existed. My mom was very clear that this girl (woman then) had done nothing wrong and we needed to be as polite as possible. She didn’t really need to tell us that, but whatever. It was a surprisingly easy and comfortable first meeting. We’ve stayed in touch.. The only reason I’m telling you this is I can’t imagine an easier scenario for a dad to find out about something like this. And it still completely rocked his world. It made him feel guilty, even though there was no reason to. He never had any idea at all. Just be aware that it really is more complicated to deal with on his end than you might realize. Also, he has a new baby. If it’s still matters, you might wanna try and reestablish contact in a few years. Or not. It’s up to you. Best of luck to you.
It’s always a disappointment when the reality tears down the fantasy we built for years. Unfortunately the only person impacts in this situation that didn’t have a say was you. Your biological parents are selfish and flawed individuals for different reasons.
You are not the product of poor decisions. You are a human being who is valued by others. I’m sure you have friends who value you. Sometimes the family that shares our DNA is not the family we need to uplift and build us.
“Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people in your life who want you in theirs: the ones who accept you for who you are, the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.” MayaAngelou