Finally telling my dad that i was raped when i was 6.

Hi! So i never really post anything on reddit, but rn I don’t have anybody to talk to about this. It’s gonna be a long story so be prepared. I’m gonna be 20 in may. I had anxiety disorder, panic disorder, adhd, ocd since I was in kindergarden. Never really knew why. My mom left me when i was 6 and i lived with my dad in one room at my grandma’s house. My dad became alcoholic.(he didn’t drink since 2020 so im proud of him!!!) Uncomfy things happened there too, but he always loved me and try to be a dad atleast. When I was 5 i started having night terrors or what are those called, i jump out of bed and started running, couldn’t touch anything or do anything and the only thing that calmed me down was looking out of the window and watch the stars. They always had to pour cold water on me so i could “wake up”. So since then i had problems, but as i grew up these night terrors slowly disappeared, but ofc i started having anxiety all the time etc. So when i started going into gymnasium (european high school ig) i was 16, but i hated going there, plus my mental state was starting getting worse. They put me on antidepressants and antipsychotics. But atst i was on antibaby bc i had problems with my menstruation. (Extreme cramps and irregural). Short story long i got a cyst from it and i had to take another hormone pill so the cyst would go away in my pituitary gland. It did, plus i stopped taking meds, i went off from sertraline last summer. Thank god btw. I was in a relationship for 4-5 years, it was complicated, toxic and abusive VERY much on both sides physically and mentally. But we are ok now, eventho we are on&off. I started going to a psychologist and she really did save my life. It’s been 3 years and she always asked about my sex life. I always said it was okay, but if i thought thru it, it was horrible. I was either hypersexual or nothing at all. I allowed him to do disgusting things with me even if i wasnt in the mood i always said okay. But since i got off from meds, i started having flashbacks from my childhood. I never really felt peace inside eventho “everything was ok”. I always had a weird feeling about “rape” and topics like this. But i just simply gaslighted myself that i am just fantasizing, its not real. Last summer i finally came to the realization that my godfather SA’d me multiple times. This explains why I was literally attracted to my own godfather since i was a child and always wanted to impress him with my looks. And this also explains why i have daddy issues which i fucking hate and im already working on it to line my boundaries and not be afraid of men’s reactions. (Ff: my godfather stopped completely talking to me when i got into this relationship).My psychologist said i always get flashbacks when im going thru a traumatic event. Last may i lost a “friend” i was really into and it kinda crushed my whole soul. And since then i start to remember things. But sometimes when im trying so hard to remember the full event, my brain just freeze and i start extremely doubting myself that it’s never even happened. Im also 24/7 derealized, but i have been trying to avoid things that trigger this derealization, but sometimes a topic, or just people in general can make me fully dissociate. Its so annoying because i really get panicky and my anxiety worsen to the point i become depressed. Wednesday, me and my dad going to my psychologist and we are gonna tell him that i was literally raped by his mother’s brother. Im so scared that he will never look at me the same. Im really scared that he will fall back into the alcoholism or do something crazy. I just want to be over this so i can finally enjoy life and not just suffer every day. And i have to get over this asap so i can fully focus on my studies and my future children. But i also feel super guilty that im gonna ruin his life with this information. I also feel horrible that i told my on&off ex/partner eventho he claims he always knew, i know i made him become even more depressed and it makes me wanna cry. But yeah thats really it i just needed to get this off my chest truly because thats the only way my derealization is better and my anxiety. Thank you if anyone read it + sorry for my english i cant really concentrate rn cus i just got the news im going on wednesday. 😅