Back in April, my MIL did something pretty unforgivable. Since my MIL basically didn’t let my husband stay at her house for even one night after he left (honorably) the military (way back when he was in his mid-20s), he’s never had a very good relationship with her. But she’s about as del-lu as you get.
She’s always posted these creepy memes on FB tagging my husband into them. One was about how mommy is little boy’s first kiss, girlfriend … like it was really disturbing, especially now that I have my own son.
We’ve been ignoring her texts/calls, which get worst on holidays because she needs photos to post and wants to always have everything center around her. My birthday, husband’s birthday, and Father’s Day was all in the same week, so she was really at it—sending him all kinds of messages like “Show me kindness as your mother” and “I’m always here for you.” That latter really makes me mad because she’s literally never been there for him. He has had to be there for her always.
She started sending her Flying Monkey family members in—trying to soften things up, trying to make it seem like we’re missing out on so much, and so on.
Finally, I just texted her a very neutral boundary:
(husband’s name) will get in touch with you when he’s ready. We’re still upset about what happened when you visited and we’re not ready to be in contact. We would appreciate if you gave us space and peace. (This probably made her mad because she kept sending “I would appreciate x, y, z” texts.)
That’s all I said. Fairly reasonable. I mean, she could have gone so many ways with that. She could have apologized (she hasn’t done that yet) or told her son she loved him/wanted their relationship to be healed. She could have done literally anything that showed this wasn’t just about her and her poor boundaries.
But she instead proceeds to call my husband’s phone like 100 times in 15 minutes. She never left a message or texted or anything. My husband knows she’s super pissed and he says it doesn’t change his plan to keep ignoring her. This is how she’s behaved in the past, I guess. He said now he believes it’s going to get worse—that she’s going to have a reason to hate me and that she’s going to buckle down harder trying to wedge herself back in. But he’s done now.
He said she did it herself and that she’s has no one to blame for their tense relationship other than herself and now he’s an adult with a wife and child and we’re his priority.
I did check her Facebook because she typically posts passive aggressive stuff. She posted a meme that was like “Some boy moms light up when their little boys walk in the room. That’s me, I’m that mom.”
She uses her religion as a weapon and she’s definitely put my husband in the husband spot. Like he has a different father than his brothers and his parents divorced 6 months after he was born because she had an affairs with his dad’s best friend at the time. She definitely made my husband her stand-in husband a lot but she’s so man crazy she can’t be alone for long. She’s always told my husband inappropriate things about her sex life and her relationships.
But I dunno. Now it’s done in my eyes. I feel bad for my husband because I think she’ll keep trying to get in touch with him; she’ll likely never give up. And it would be nice if she just left us alone for good and focused on her other sons. But my son seems to be the scapegoat because he rebelled against her, so she uses him as the problem a lot—like he’s a rebel and he doesn’t listen to her or take her advice so he’s going to burn in hell. Her big thing is always disobedience to her because she’s the mother figure and according to her, it’s a sin to be disobedient to your mother. She often says things like I’m a disrespectful, disobedient wife and my husband needs to control me and support her over me.
I’m glad I did it, but now I’m afraid it’s going to make things worse for a while especially if she really spirals more and more. Anyone successfully stay no contact or have experience with this kind of thing? I feel more shocked than anything.
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I’m permanently NC with my MIL, and by extension, her family (their choice).
It’s always weird, tense, and you’ll doubt yourself, but just hold the line, so to speak. It gets uglier before it gets better.
She wants to make as much noise as possible to make your DH or you cave. She’ll have to escalate and try newer, more dramatic tactics as she feels her grip slipping. It’s called an extinction burst, and it’s the storm before the calm.
Whenever you’re given the opportunity, set the record straight with whomever in a very factual, unemotional way. It’s the one thing I wish my husband did (and me too because I was following his lead). He didn’t want people to think ill of his mom and wanted to keep the drama to ourselves, but she went out and tanked his reputation.
Mute her on the phones, send her emails to another folder, do anything to keep her out of your hair. There’s no fixing crazy, and she’ll have to move on to a new target.
So what if she spiral more and more, I have the same thing, my future wife force me to respect her mother, when she did what she did, also I give my respect, hello hello, and that’s it, in rest I don’t care what she is to my future wife, good for you that you don’t contact her anymore, when it’s toxic and she is blind by the devil and does what she does, that’s no excuse, the Lord says be there for them in pain show empathy, but when comes to other things, not interested not just a little bit. Cut ties and you will feel much better, in the bible says protect your heart, mind and soul.
God bless you 🙏🙏😇
Over-explained Advice Incoming (lol):
Cameras: I’d install cameras at your doorways and make sure you have storm doors you can lock (then you have some time and space if you start to go outside or need to talk to someone, but they can’t barge in. They can just talk through the screen door. Though I do NOT recommend opening any doors if she drops by.) With these types, it won’t be surprising if she does try and force an interaction of some kind. My (VERYJN) grandmother was like that. She walked around the whole house peaking in windows and loudly knocking on multiple doors trying to force me to talk to her when I was a kid and she was explicitly told by my mum not to come over. So being reasonably prepared is always a solid move.
Contact Attempts on devices: If you’re going NC anyway, may as well mute her on your phone. I believe there are apps that will capture the text of any voicemails and keep records of any texts or calls she makes to your phone automatically now. May as well do that on both your phones so you have a record of her crazy, but don’t have to listen to it. I’m sure there are more knowledgeable people on here who could recommend something (mine is dead at this point, so can’t help ya there). I also recommend blocking her on all social media and never, ever respond to any contact attempts from her, including mail, email, friend requests, etc.
Around town: Another thing I wound up doing was change my habits. You don’t have to do this if she doesn’t live close by!!! Context (don’t read if you don’t want to): My JN drove several towns over to come to the grocery store directly next to my job, right at the time I’d be getting out of work. Sounds far fetched, but it sooooooo was not a coincidence. I don’t think she was stalking me, but I do think she was trying to “happen” to run into me by “chance”. So one of the easier things I did was start getting groceries and gas in another town and not be consistent about where. I know that seems extreme, but once she realized she couldn’t find me, call me, access me on social media, didn’t know my car, and all the mutual people we knew wouldn’t tell her anything, she did eventually give up.
Stay Consistent Forever: Other than setting yourselves up to be safe and have things peaceful, I agree that you’re done at this point. Just a heads up, mine wasn’t a parent, but grandparents and it took them I want to say a solid 5 months to stop calling me and about a year and a half for them to stop asking other people about me. To be fair, in that time, I changed both my car and my job, so I had some anonymity going for me. My point is, these things take time. And it’s not uncommon for them to freak out a bit once they realize you mean it and they truly don’t have control. BUT it gets waaaaaaaaay better!!!!!
Good luck! Mine was a situation where I was the only grandchild, she had a lot of time and money to waste on trying to contact me, and she hated being thwarted, wrong, and out of control. It didn’t help that my dad, who had died quite young, was “her baby boy” and her other son lived decently far away. I really was like a play thing for her to try and manipulate. I get my case is…well…she was a LOT.
May your JNMIL be much less determined and bananas!!