*partner, not parter
I am in an age-gap relationship (30sF) with a man in his 60s. We have known each other for a long time and both had similar financial situations since we met at work, or so I thought.
Fast-forward a couple years into the relationship, he asked me to move in. I knew he had two bankruptcies in the past after his divorce, and after not working for two years somehow due to depression, years after the divorce. (I have depression too so I’m not trying to judge, but two years is a long time IMO.) He lost ownership of his house not long before we got together because he couldn’t keep up with the costs, so a family member bought it and he started paying rent. He said to me that we could buy the house back together eventually, so when I moved in, that was my expectation.
Two years ago, I was checking the mail and found letters from the IRS about unpaid/unfiled income taxes from decades ago, that have accrued interest, to the total tune of almost $11K. I asked if the letters were real and he said he didn’t know. The letters were real, and one of them included an attempted lien on the house. I freaked out and told him he had to start dealing with it. Finding out about it through the mail was a huge betrayal of my trust. During this time, it also came to light that he doesn’t have a line of credit. He proposed to me a couple months later, in public, and I felt on the spot and said yes. We are still not married.
Most recently, I found a note on the front door from the postal service saying the IRS is trying to send him a certified letter. He now claims he lost that note, of course. I also didn’t know that when he was laid off last fall, he didn’t apply for unemployment. He just didn’t bother to do it, and didn’t bother to tell me. It wasn’t until this January when I pressed him on it that he admitted he hadn’t applied.
I asked him the other day if he has done anything to pay off the IRS debt, and he said no. I asked why he never told me about it, and he said because he feels shame. When I asked why he didn’t apply for unemployment, he said it was a “mistake” not to. I asked why he didn’t address the IRS debt years ago, and he said that when he had some money in savings, it “felt better” to keep the money in savings rather than pay the debt. I asked if he could’ve done both, and he said he should have.
I cannot wrap my mind around why he is stuck in this emotional baggage and continues to make poor financial decisions. I am livid about the fact that he asked me to marry him when he hadn’t disclosed his full financial situation. I haven’t been able to move out because I suffered a debilitating work injury last year and am only now recovered. I feel guilty that I haven’t been able to contribute enough financially due to my injury and switching jobs before that, and he certainly resents me for not splitting the rent. (I do pay for all the groceries, new appliances and other household expenses.) I got a settlement from my injury lawsuit, but I don’t want to spend it on digging him out of his long-term mess (he said he would never ask me to). I want to save what I can to start over. My logical mind knows that this is a horrible situation, but I think I am processing feelings of betrayal, grief, and naivete that are slowing me down. Sometimes I feel bad thinking of prioritizing myself even though I know that’s what I have to do.
He plans to retire in ~5 years and live off of social security. I told him that I can’t plan a future around that, and of course he isn’t happy to hear that.
I am so tired of his excuses, and he hasn’t done anything to repair my trust. I’ve always been the kind of person who needs to understand why someone does what they do–he has admitted that a lot of the time, he doesn’t think through what he does. I think I was looking at the best in him and trusted him, but I just can’t believe how he continues to live like this and expect me to be fine with it. Not once has he acted like he knows his behavior hasn’t been coming from a place of being worried about my best interest. Why would he behave like this?
TL;DR partner hid IRS debt and continues to make poor financial decisions, expects me to be okay with it
Comments
You’re his retirement plan, hon
I’m sorry to sound cliche but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I think if you stay in a relationship with him, you’re stuck with his poor financial planning and choices and will more than likely be required to pick up his slack.
The question is: are you okay with that?
Oh, boy.
Why would he behave like this? Because he has issues that impair his ability to function around money. I have no idea what they are — but you are probably not going to ultimately arrive at an answer that will work for you, given what you are describing.
I say this as someone who would probably struggle with financial infidelity more than the physical type. Finding out someone left me vulnerable financially would be very hard for me to process and recover from, trust-wise. In my experience, people who are very bad with money are less likely to correct that when they are in their 60s. Possible — but the level of intervention would be reasonably high, because at this point it’s probably more about his mental health and a tendency towards avoidance than it is about financial literacy. And it doesn’t sound like he is pursuing any kind of serious change, so I think that’s very unlikely. You should move forward like this is going to be how things will continue.
Additionally, the retirement thing is a real stumbling block, because $11k shouldn’t be an insurmountable number for a person who is planning to retire in five years. It suggests that you are a significant part of the retirement plan. Are you comfortable with that? I can’t say I’d be.
Like with any betrayal, you aren’t going to recover from this if he is still doing what he was doing to create the problem in the first place. He’s not being honest, and he’s not pursuing a resolution. He is hiding it from you, and he’s hiding from the government. This does not seem tenable, and in your shoes, I’d be examining my escape routes.