Hey everyone,
I just went through a breakup with my first-ever boyfriend, and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. He recently came out to me and told me he’s gay. I’m really hurt and confused because, looking back, a lot of things now seem so obvious, but at the time I had no idea. I kept thinking the reason he wasn’t as affectionate or didn’t seem attracted to me was because of something I did or didn’t do. Now, I feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner.
It’s really painful to realize that I was in a relationship where I thought things were fine, but in reality, it wasn’t even the kind of relationship he wanted. I know this is probably the right thing for him, but I can’t shake the feeling of loss, confusion, and a bit of self-doubt.
Has anyone gone through something similar? How do you cope with realizing something like this and moving forward? I’m just looking for some advice on how to handle the emotions and get past the hurt.
Comments
Not an advice question.
U turned him gay?
reframe it to yourself. you hadn’t experienced dating someone who was (understandably) lying to your face (and himself). Now you know the signs so next time something feels off (like you start doubting yourself or feeling like you haven’t done enough, etc) you know there needs to be a respectful conversation about expectations OR it’s time to bail.
that’s great! now you have new data. every date, every social interaction gives you fresh information and perspective about yourself. what do you like/dislike, what are your expectations in a relationship/from a partner, what are your deal breakers, what makes you happy, how do you remove yourself from a situation you’re not happy with, etc.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can relate, I had a best friend who told me he was gay and had feelings for me before I ended our friendship because he wasn’t putting in effort, so I know how confusing and hurtful it feels. What helped me cope was giving myself time to process my feelings, talking to someone I trust even just to vent, and focusing on my own hobbies and self-care so I wasn’t stuck overthinking. It’s normal to feel loss and self-doubt, but with time and taking care of yourself, it does get easier. If you ever feel like you have no one to talk to, you can reach out to me.
Damn, girl, that’s rough. No magic fix, but remember, it ain’t about u not being ‘enough’, it’s about him figuring out his truth. Don’t let this self-doubt creep in. It hits hard now, but it’s just a messed up chapter, not the whole book of life. Resilience n time do wonders, stay strong. 💪 Also, hot take – now u got a new gay best friend! 😅 Keep ur chin up, u got this!
It sounds like he was in the process of figuring things out. Maybe he was in so much denial about himself being gay and why he got into a relationship with you. There’s no telling really. It’s just one of those things where he realized that being with a woman, not just you as a person, was something he was not interested in doing. I understand it might feel very personal but I promise it isn’t about you doing anything wrong or that you’re not worthy of love. Do your best to keep your head up though and know that you did nothing wrong.
I went through something similar and the self doubt was honestly the worst part, but time really does help you see that it wasn’t about anything you did wrong. You’re not an idiot for not knowing, sexuality can be complicated and people figure things out at different paces.
Did you have anal sex with him?
Thank you all for the kind words and advice! ❤️
One of my first GFs turned out to be gay. It hurt but we were good friends, so we stayed friends after and she told me it was just as awkward and confusing for her. She thought something was ‘wrong’with her or that she was ‘broken’. That piled up with the shame and guilt of not wanting to let her family down she kept quiet.
I understand how you feel completely. Try not to take it personal ❤️
I dated a girl who came out to me a while after we broke up telling me she discovered she’s a lesbian. I told her I was really pleased for her that she found something close to her heart.
Well, my first girlfriend is now a dude, sooo
Cool for him. Now be an Ally and support him. This is the only way to get over it.
You don’t easily see someone being gay, especially if you are in a heterosexual relationship with them. It is a given that they are not. Yes there are cases of people realizing they are gay or bisexual while in a heterosexual relationship. Still, there person you are with should be attracted to you. Relax and move on, it ain’t like you did something wrong.
Sometimes reframing things can help. Perhaps you could consider that you’re such a catch as a woman that even gay dudes are trying to be straight to be with you. Or at least, you’re the best option that isn’t a man for a gay man.
As far as hurt feelings go, they happen with almost every breakup, and for the most part it all goes away with a little time. You’re young and you’ll bounce back from this quickly, I promise. Plus, for every year older you are, the chance that men in your dating pool are closeted decreases because they’ve had longer to explore and come to terms with who they are!
One time my friend wanted to dump his girlfriend because he started seeing someone else but chose to just ghost her because her family knows his family, so she kept bugging me and not wanting to rat out my friend for cheating on his girlfriend I told her that he was actually gay which seemed like a way to do it at the time but then I found out. Their families know eachother through their church which I came to find was about half the town. So I actually started the roomer he was gay which led to half the town thinking he really was gay and his dad had a really embarrassing conversation with the priest. So then my friend ended up joining the marines to get away from the town. Now everyone thinks hes a gay marine or possibly he lied and is actually in the Navy which people seem to think is a branch of service only gay people join.
It has NOTHING to do with YOU. it took me years to finally understand that being in a similar situation but he was my husband of many years. I was devastated. Loss of self esteem self confidence sexiness, weight gain weight loss, every emotion you can think of. But I wasn’t the problem. There was nothing wrong with me at all. He just prefers men over me and that’s ok. He’s still my best friend I wish him love and happiness….move on lady. The right guy is out there and will be placed in your life in God’s timing
Get tested for STDs and move on.
It wouldn’t have been easy for your ex as well.
There are many examples of stories – shared online – of how Homosexuals in heterosexual relationships x
Whether it was forced, to meet expectations of family and friends.
Inadvertent, not knowing they were homosexual.
Or some other reason.
One thing that should make it clear though, …
About the lack of affection and such. Heterosexual relationships can be the same (lack of affection) and Homosexuals in heterosexual relations can also involve a show affection.
Nor does it have to feel like a ‘loss’. It’s only by trial-and-error that we discover who we and who others other.
You now know more about you than you would have before the relationship. You also know a lot more about your ex.
… and if the break up was not on bad/negative terms, they potentially can continue to be friends. One that know your interests and taste and may help with introducing you to a guy. (And visa versa)
Meanwhile though, still go through the ‘stages of grief’. All this logic doesn’t change the fact that you have metaphorically ‘lost’ your boyfriend.