My partner (38m) and I (34f) recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We’re very much in love and it’s the happiest and healthiest relationship either of us have ever been in. On our anniversary, my partner brought up when we might want to move in together. It would make sense, we’re basically already staying with each other every night except still paying separately for both of our places, so financially, it makes sense too. He has lived with a partner (albeit briefly) before, and I have not. We decided that we’d look forward to moving in together over the next year when our leases end etc. (mine ends in January next year). He currently lives with his brother and I currently live alone, so we will be looking for a new place together. Ideally a 2 bedroom house. We’ll also be starting to talk with his brother because he will likely need to find a new flatmate or look for a new place.
Before I lived alone, I lived with my mum. Because this is my first time doing this with a partner, does anyone have any advice? What things do we need to consider? We have started talking about our finances as well, of course. I’ve suggested that we might have a joint account for shared/living expenses but then also keep our own accounts – Is this wise? I think I will be the biggest earner, but not by a huge amount, though I have a higher earning potential long term. Meanwhile, he has larger and more significant savings than I do. Other than finances, what other, potentially more minor forgotten aspects, should we be considering and talking about?
Any help, advice or pointers would be appreciated! Thanks in advance for helping us keep our bases covered!
Edit:
Noted re separate accounts/finances! This is just the way my friends had done it with their partners, so it was my only example. But I see now that it’s wiser at this point to keep things separate and that it’s not necessary to have a joint account. We’re already good at paying for things reciprocally or paying each other back, so we can just keep going that way.
We are only looking to rent, not buy. Neither of us are in a position to buy at this stage and that would be too big of a financial commitment for this stage of our relationship.
Also just wanted to clarifly, we’re looking at moving in together in roughly a year from now so we will have been together for approx. 2 years. We’re not jumping in right now, we are literally just starting to have these talks and work towards this, we’re not rushing and want to do this properly when the time is right for us, hence why we’re talking about it now. We have lots to talk about, lots to consider, other people will also be affected by our move so we want to deal with that properly and be considerate. Someone said moving in after 1 year is too soon and not to rush it – it’ll be almost 2 years by then. Taking a year to talk about it, organise ourselves and put it into motion feels right for us.
Comments
The biggest source of conflict will be household duties and cleanliness standards. If his home now isn’t very clean, that’s the standard he will have with you (I don’t care what he says). If he lives off fast food now, don’t expect him to know how to cook. If you tidy up his place when you stay over, you will be cleaning up after this grown man when he’s under your roof. My point: have realistic expectations and do not let yourself get sucked into being his maid.
Keep finances separate. You aren’t married. You don’t even necessarily even need a joint account. Each of you could just write a check for your half of the rent.
If both of your names are on the lease, just remember that you are responsible for the rent and any damage even if you move out unless you can get the landlord to take you off the lease. Just be careful you don’t rent somewhere costly in case one of you has to leave & the other can’t afford the rent.
Are you on the same page for cleaning and chores? You forgive or ignore so many things in the early stages of the relationship. Make sure you are on the same page. Also I would make sure your values align before you take this big step. If they don’t, it becomes a bigger issue later on. Especially if you have children. Also if you feel that either of you need to work out something. Do it before you move in together. IE if either have had childhood trauma, abuse, mental illnesses, depression etc. The person needing the help should do it for themselves and not to save a relationship. They have to want to work on it not feel they have to. Also I tell my kids, don’t rush it. You can always wait a little longer but if it doesn’t work, the relationship may not last.
I think if you’re able to calculate how much you need for the joint account and contribute a fair amount (it sounds like you’re unsure what he earns; I’d find that out) that’s a good starting point. Is it 50/50? 60/40? I personally wouldn’t buy a home with someone unless we were married, so budgeting what you can afford on a rental per month also helps you narrow down your options. Cleanliness is a big one and what tasks you like or don’t like. I do all the laundry and my husband does the cooking and dishes.
Depends on if you plan on renting or buying a 2 bedroom house. Why wouldn’t you consider him moving into your place?
If you buy, you MUST have your name on the mortgage/house. It is essential to discuss how you’ll divide costs, how to handle ownership, and what to do if the relationship ends. A co-ownership agreement and legal advice are highly recommended. You do not want to be out in the street if you break up and you don’t want your credit to be hurt if he can’t afford the mortgage.
You never know how much you hate someone until you live with them for a year.
You never know how much you love someone until you live with them for five year.
Do not get a joint account yet. I have condiments older than your relationship. But DO talk about household expenses and learn how to get comfortable talking about money early and often. Some people are good at this. A LOT of people are bad at this and have loads of weird stuff around talking plainly about money.
One sane piece of advice one of my former coworkers gave me is get your own separate tooth paste. That’ll save at least 1% of your arguments living together. Especially in the morning. It’s definitely saved me an argument every morning. The few times I’ve used his toothpaste, he said he could tell.
Do NOT get a joint account, each of you having your own money is sooo much better, you won’t be fighting over what the other one wants to buy (also important to be with someone who has a similar financial mindset as you in the first place).
Cleaning is MASSIVE, like one person said don’t let the “little things” grind you down, speak up and find a solution before you become resentful and blow up one day over a spoon or whatever.
House temps… oh my god, probably our most significant fight Hahaaha
All this aside it’s soo wonderful to live with the right person, I hope it works out for you.
Do what it takes to be comfortable, even if it means separate beds. Or a man/woman cave. Talk over bills and chores. Have those expectations set (as much as possible anyway).
> he has lived with a partner (albeit briefly) before
Do you know why that relationship ended so soon after moving in together?
Absolutely keep your finances separate until marriage and RENT do not buy! Create a division of labor ahead of time that both people agree on. Good luck!
everyone is talking about $ and chores. I agree, so I won’t add to that. I’ve been with my 2nd husband for almost 30 years. 1st one was a disaster. what I learned: talk about compatibility in ALL areas, sex, family time, visitors, friends, alone time, couple time, future plans, etc. view differences as a “we” issue. don’t fight against each other, fight for each other, be kind even if you’re mad, talk honestly and often, and never, ever use your partners’ vulnerabilities against them. that’s a sacred area of trust. let the little shit go. no one wants a running commentary on what they’re doing “wrong”. congrats and enjoy this new stage of life.
A joint account worked well for my partner and I when we moved in together. We both put the same amount per month into it and it covered rent, bills, groceries and any joint expenses. We both each kept the rest of our pay separate.
I’ve lived with 4 men romantically and 6 platonically (roommates of my current boyfriend and I’s). What I can tell you is this:
make sure you understand his habits around porn and your feelings about that. If it’s something you are completely fine with, cool. If not, please keep in mind that he won’t stop watching it just because you moved in. You will learn the signs, and he will not be able to hide it from you. You both need to have a very honest conversation about usage and boundaries around it (not at all, not when you are at home, etc). This can absolutely wreck relationships if not talked about.
pick your battles. There are some habits you won’t be able to change. Clothes left on the floor after showing vs in the hamper, clutter left on his side of the sink, shoes left in the middle of the floor… all very hard habits to break that can build resentment or habitual arguments. In my current, very success relationship of more than 5 years I have learned to just let those things be. I toss the clothes in the hamper, leave his half of the sink the way it is (and push stuff left on my side over there), and leave the shoes be. Those things are just not worth being mad about, and he will need concessions about these things. I’m sure you might do some things that he views similarly, and to get grace one must give grace.
if he refuses to do things around the house to your standards, assuming that’s something that matters, don’t do them for him. You will be resentful. Do the amount of things you are willing to do and leave the rest alone. I know it’s hard, but when you live with someone the housework situation can be difficult. Don’t be his mother, if he is ok with a certain living standard and you are bent on living with him then just let that be the standard. Don’t let it become your “job” to be the housekeeper, don’t sacrifice your own hobbies and happiness because things aren’t where you want them to be. The only time that’s cool is if you get to be a stay at home wife/girlfriend, then it is literally your role.
-Conversations around housework need to happen immediately. Set boundaries and don’t do more than you’re willing to do (see above). Otherwise, everything will become your “job” and when, years down the line, you get tired of doing everything it’ll turn into fighting (possibly a lot).
Going from living alone and being able to have your space the way you want to cohabitation can be jarring – even if you spend most of your time having sleepovers anyways. Two people is a lot more housework, and you won’t always see eye to eye. Remember it will be a big change for him as well, and he needs to be able to win sometimes.