When I was 13, I got pregnant by my boyfriend at the time. My parents reacted harshly, kicking me out of the house and sending me to live with my grandparents. They cut me off completely, I had brought “shame” to the family. Although they maintained contact with my grandparents to keep an “eye” on me, they never reached out to me directly. It hurt deeply, but I tried my best to move forward. As a single mother to my daughter, Vanessa, I relied on my grandparents for support until I turned 18, at which point they stopped providing financial help. Despite the challenges, Vanessa and I shared a close bond. She married my son-in-law at the age of 23, our relationship continued positively for a time, but I began to notice her pulling away.I recognize that I could be overbearing; I would often reach out to her multiple times a month, which she felt was excessive.
It became clear that she was distancing herself in favor of her in-laws, who were genuinely kind people, and I understood that.Some time later she started posting bullshit on her socials, making up horrible stories about me. She said I let my “boyfriends” SA her for years and would leave her with them. this is a complete LIE, I never dated men and always put her first, no my grandpa did not do anything to her and that I know. He is not a child predator in any way and I know he wouldn’t do that, he never even interacted with my daughter and always avoided her ect. I confronted her about these lies and asked her why she would make up such horrible things, she replied with “ go fuck yourself” and started saying that i was always overbearing, i take full responsibility for that and apologized for it, I started getting harrased by people, there were posts made about me where people would write that I was a “rapist defender” ect. It was horrible, I lost my job ( which by the way is illegal, but I didn’t fight it.)
In the end I ended up leaving our city because this was taking a toll on my mental health and I was genuinely scared. During this time my son in law told me that my daughter would probably come around and he told me that she had been talking a lot of shit about me during their courting days, provided proof and told me he was sorry and had no idea why she was acting like this. My daughter’s, in law’s also reached out and basically told me they heard what happened and were appalled by this, they couldn’t force her to want me near her which I understood.
Fast forward two years, at the age of 38, I met my now-husband. I was upfront with him about my past and my relationship with Vanessa. During this time, Vanessa had cut me out of her life entirely in favor of her new family. Thanks to my husband’s support, I was able to reconnect with my parents, who had been distant for many years. While our relationship isn’t perfect🙄, it has improved over time. Fast forward to now, I now have two 16 year old twins, a 14 year old girl, a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old ( soon 6) girl. At this point I’ve been cut off from my daughter’s life for 18 years and I have no desire to have her in my life again. I’m currently 54 and I realise now that I’m pretty old, I’m constantly terrified of dying and leaving my kids, especially since my youngest is 5.
My children are aware of their sister’s existence, but the older ones have made it clear they want nothing to do with her, viewing her as a “random woman” rather than family who is old enough to be their mom. I have never once withheld any truths and told them the ENTIRE thing, admitted to being overbearing ect. Fast forward to now, Vanessa sent me a message through something called “hitta.se” that lets you find ANYONE in our country and asked to meet her siblings, I told her no and to leave them alone.. This woman drove 4 HOURS AND 41 MINUTES to “catch” my 16 year old kids at school. where she was reported by the principal after trying to find them. My kids were understandably embarrassed. My husband is considering sending her a message to warn her against coming near our children again, and I share his concern. The thought that she might approach my youngest daughter’s preschool terrifies me. Again, this is what I hate the most about my country. It’s a safe place but in situations such as this, it’s not.
I wrote this while I was tired, I’ll answer any questions in the comments, Also I have not proof read this at all🤣.
Comments
NTA.
You’re a mother who went through deep betrayal and public defamation, lost your job, had to move cities, and now you’re simply protecting your family.
Vanessa didn’t just want to reconnect — she crossed a serious line by driving nearly five hours to try and “catch” your children at school without permission. That’s invasive and scary. Getting a restraining order isn’t revenge, it’s a necessary step to protect your minor children.
You have every right to keep someone out of your life — and your kids’ lives — if they’ve caused real harm and continue to disrespect your boundaries.
NTA it sounds like she may have started developing some sort of mental illness, and you have a responsibility to protect your younger children.
NTA At all!! She made her bed now she needs to lie in it. Get a restraining order and tell her to fck off.
NTA she’s dangerous and unpredictable
Out of curiosity how did you get pregnant at the age of 47? That’s very rare and hard to achieve!
NTA !
NTA
NTA- you should do it. Who knows what she will do to those kids
I would contact the lawyer and see about getting a restraining order against her. Especially after she made up all the lies about you and posted in publicly What is she going to do now start telling you about children how evil you are even though they know different.
Is your mother’s illness genetic? Your daughter may be actually ill.
NTA. Block her, get restraining orders and document everything. Your daughter is pure evil.
NTA. You have a responsibility to protect your children. That means keeping your first born away from them. She didn’t respect boundaries so now the law will.
I will caution you about assuming nothing happened to her. It’s possible that grandpa/grandma did things or let other people into the house to do things when you weren’t around. You’d never know. But she’s not a part of your life now and that’s the way it has to be for your and your kiddos well being.
NTA. I’m sure you’ve already taken steps to protect yourself and family. Make sure the preschool NEVER allows anyone but you and your husband to pick up your child. Same goes for the other kids.
Get a good lawyer and see what your options are.
Get as many cameras around your home as you can. Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Try not to get distracted getting into or out of your car.
Did your parents tell her where you are living? Learn to gray rock if that is the case.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It seems she’s developed some kind of mental illness. I’d file a restraining order and contact her husband and in-laws and explain what is going on.
Updateme.
Such stories usually hide a lot of missing reasons why Vanessa hates you. You, a very young teen mother to her, by definition a victim of childhood SA yourself, possibly were not the perfect mother and her life was chaotic and stressful.
There is possibly some truth about her SA accusations also. Otherwise, we’d be left to believe that Vanessa is going around wasting her time for no reason making unfounded and untrue accusations.
But whatever is the “real” reason for her accusations, which likely is not a complete fantasy, the smart idea is to disengage from Vanessa fully and get the restraining order.
PS your story also might be fake as it sounds slightly inorganic, the facebook estranged mothers sound different than the tone of your post
NTA you have to protect the younger children and she doesn’t appear to have changed. Don’t let her ruin your other children’s lives with her delusions, hate and lies.
NTA. This is a sad situation. You forgave your parents and have worked on building a relationship with them, but they were AHs for disowning a 13 yr old for getting pregnant.
That in itself has taken a toll on you and your daughter. It’s sounds like your daughter is ashamed of you and cannot come to terms with the circumstances of her conception and upbringing.
With that being said, her making very serous accusations against you is very worrisome and the fact that your son-in-law and his parents have expressed their concerns says a lot. Your daughter may be mentally ill.
She caused you emotional, mental and financial harm. Then she disowns you. She decides that she wants to meet her siblings and goes ballistic when you do not oblige her. That does not sound like a rational person.
Your priority is to do whatever you need to do to keep your minor children safe and protect their well being. Police, retraining order…etc. Do whatever it takes!
NTA
She doesn’t want to reconnect, she wants access to her siblings, there’s a big difference, and given your past with her and the lies she told, that is something definitely to be avoided.
The fact she’s basically stalked your weans and turned up at their school like that is very bad, and you should take every legal action possible to stop her.
You should contact the police, a lawyer, your weans schools, and if it’s possible to do then you should let her husband know what she has done that way you can avoid directly contacting her.
You also need to get some therapy to come to terms with the past, and hopefully it will help you with this fear of dying whilst your weans are still young (this most probably comes fae guilt about your estranged daughter), unless you have an illness or live an unhealthy lifestyle you shouldn’t be focusing on death, I understand having such a young wean at your age comes with worries, but you have others around you that will step up and help out in the absolute worst case scenario that something does happen to you, and if your worried about the wean growing up not knowing you, then maybe write some letters or record some videos for all of your family for after the worst happens (in the distant future).
NTA. Have you reached out to her husband or in laws? If not, you should do so but through text or email, so you have it in writing. Ask them if she has been diagnosed or is on medications. Start writing down all of her activities that you believe will endanger your husband and other children (like that one of her going to the shool to find the twins is really quite scary). If you decide to move forward with that restraining order, you will have all of those things I mentioned as evidence for the judge.
Although your eldest daughters actions, currently, are absolutely unacceptable… Being raised by another literal child, especially one who is 13, I see that causing a lot of problems for her that I think now have resulted in her feelings towards you and what seem to be mentally unwell outbursts/actions?
Was her dad ever around? What do you mean when you say you were overbearing? Has she ever shown any signs of mental illness? Did you actually ever have boyfriends in highschool? What was this ‘proof’ she showed your husband? How was she treated by her peers when she was in school and you would’ve been highschool age? Did you ever interject yourself too much?
Idk, something just seems… Odd. Your eldest basically grew up with you being old enough to be her sister. I can see that resulting in a lot of trauma, humiliation and conflicting emotions and why she may have actually needed to distance herself? Just sounds like a lot here is missing.
Still, her trying to track down your kids? Not cool. Get a restraining order or change their school.
NTA she sounds mentally unwell. My guess is she got caught trying to gain her in laws sympathy or have them accept her and threw you under the bus as an in. Guessing her husband has probably left her because of her lies which probably got worse and worse and now she is trying to get back in your good books
Also contacting your daughter a few times a month is not overbearing. I was expecting you to say you rang daily or showed up at her house.
I’m gonna be real with you, I wanna hear Vanessa’s side of the story before I pass judgement. She’s your daughter too and I think you should talk to her. It’s been a long time. Maybe she wants her mom back and is going about that the wrong way.
Ik she’s ur daughter but she’s insane 😭
NTA. Do what you have to do.
You expect us to believe that you had 5 kids from the age of (minimum) 39 to age 50?
>two 16 year old twins, a 14 year old girl, a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old ( soon 6) girl
YTA for making up shit.
NTA! Get an RO asap! She’s unhinged! She wanted nothing to do with you, accused you of awful things, and now thinks she has a right to see her half siblings? Hell no. Make sure the schools know that she is mentally unstable. Tell all your kids to stay away from her.
Updateme
How can you dismiss the sexual abuse accusations against your boyfriends and grandpa so easily?….just because they never interacted infront of you…maybe there’s a reason why he stayed away from her when everyone was around.
Maybe she’s mentally ill, maybe she wasn’t sexually abused idk. You sound incredibly emotionally immature as well the way you have such little empathy for your daughter. You both sound like the assholes
ESH. Realize that even if you did you best with what you had while raising her, if she experienced any trauma, negative outcomes, or instability due to having a young teen mom and shaky family relations, she may not be emotionally or mentally equipped to handle life conflicts in a mature or healthy manner. Her outbursts are concerning but you, mom, distancing yourself and running away instead of working through the issues didn’t show her how to handle herself better.
She’s wrong to force herself on your kids but sounds like there are issues she’s still facing so try to at least have compassion for a woman with unresolved traumas that you may in part be responsible for.
You do need to protect your other kids though. Do you best to continue to protect them.
What’s the reason to be scared about her approaching her half siblings? And if it’s such a problem, maybe it’s better to tackle it head on by meeting her instead?
OP, if you want to keep your family safe then do the restraining order. However I’d worry about if there is any merit to the SA, we may not know family as much as we like. Though hopefully she wouldn’t be the type to claim SA just to ruin your life. Hard choice on that point.