Hi there,
I hope to receive some input from women who, being over thirty, single and childless with not that big of a social network, can in some aspects, even if not all, relate at my inner insecurity and give me the push to do the right thing… maybe some advice on how to do so?
When I travelled last year in summer, I (F, 36) met a man (M, 44). We had sex, exchanged numbers. Through that, I knew his whole name, googled him and found that his relationship status is married. (I knew he has a daughter.)
The next evening I confronted him and was very explicit that I do not get involved if there’s a partner and it’s a strict boundary. He assured me that they’ve been separated for several years, and he will remain married only due to her being here on a spousal visa.
Usually, I’m a pessimistic person due to bad experiences and would have ended it there. But just once I wanted to not let them dictate my decisions and chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I travelled home and we stayed in intense (sexual and non-sexual) contact for several weeks. I started to really like him…
Until he states that the separation process was not as executed as he made me believe. He wants to stay friends. I agree, because… I really do like him. We align well enough to not miss on any intimacy.
It evolves gradually. Until his wife knows, there cannot be a friendship… I gave him time and it’s been almost six months. He’s in therapy and they’re planning counselling (open end) in late spring.
He cares for me and feels terrible about the mistakes he made towards his wife and myself.
And I only recently learned that his lie constitutes as interference with informed consent. That was rough.
I don’t know how to feel anymore. I somehow still like him, but I wish so much we’ve just met platonically and through our shared interests. While I don’t feel guilty about the sex, I feel stupid having wanted to believe the best in a man. I am deeply ashamed for having accepted the (dishonest) offer of friendship, when I should have informed his wife instead to provide her with the opportunity to make an informed decision. I’m angry that he disrespected me and I’m disheartened by my own lack of courage.
I have, rationally and emotionally a million reasons to stop everything immediately and yet the thought makes me panic. If it were just friendship, we’d get along splendidly and I know it’s rare to find and I’ve struggled with feelings of loneliness lately. But I’m disappointed in myself, because this is not the kind of woman who I aspire to be.
Do you have any advice on how to finally find the strength and do the right thing? And how would you do it? I’ve never been in such a situation. Thank you.
Comments
He cares for me and feels terrible about the mistakes he made towards his wife and myself.
No, he doesn’t. If he cared for you he would never have put you in the position to be an affair partner. And if he cared about his wife he wouldn’t have cheated with you. All he cares about is himself. I definitely would not want to maintain a friendship with someone who treats women like they are disposable and like their feelings don’t matter. A friend should care about you, this man does not care about you.
I mean it’s pretty obvious at this point you’re the affair partner and he is going to work on his (real) marriage after all. He’s not your friend.
The hardest lesson for me to learn is that for someone to either be a friend “with benefits” or to be a friend after they were a lover is – they have to actually treat me like a friend. Someone who lies or omits enough information to get what they want from me (in this case sex or emotional or romantic intimacy) didn’t and isn’t treating me like a friend. They aren’t behaving like someone who cares about or for me. Any kindness was transactional.
The truth in this situationship will continue to be a moving target OP, the best thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you were right the first time – you googled this man, and found out he’s married, you wanted to end the relationship then and there. You were right! Please be affirmed that your gut instinct and the information you uncovered all those months ago was correct. It is time to act on your boundaries around this issue.
He’s not a lover and he’s not a friend. Dump him and block him, or just block him because you’ve said enough and given him way too long of a runway already for excuses.