I was the divorcee, of a 15-year marriage, in 2022. I was left. I was having issues with depression, and sociopolitical hopelessness. The old millennial crash.
“I’ll never buy a home, having kids is irresponsible, society is about to collapse…”
Between that and issues of attraction between us, from both angles, we called it quits.
When you’re that connected to another person, it’s basically a death. The both of you are one person, and that relationship is mourned, irrepairably.
But these days, instead of the sad songs that permeated our relationship, avoiding the films we enjoyed, I’m leaning back in my chair and I’m “getting it”.
She isn’t the goddess I put on a pedestal in my head. That person doesn’t exist. They never did. You could say the death of that entity is the death of my love for her, and you’d likely be right, but for me, putting that vision to rest is coming to terms with reality.
We had a serious codependency that after enough friction, became toxic, resentful, hiding things from eachother and plotting against eachother. It needed to end.
But despite all that, I’d by lying if I said I’d wouldn’t like to hold the door for her, or hold her hand in a grocery store, see one of our old apartments just the way it was, pet our cats, or watch a Ghibli film on the couch, just one last time.
Bittersweet forever, I guess.
Comments
As (a) someone who’s been through a similar journey, (with) navigating these complex (emotions) after (a) long-lasting marriage can be… overwhelming. The bittersweet memories of the past mixed with the harsh reality of moving on is an experience we all share here. Finding solace in knowing that while the old life was significant, our present and futures are full of new connections, events and experiences that’ll enrich us further… well, it helps, I guess?
I’m on the other side of your story in many ways.
Married for more than 10 years and in a bit of a rough patch. We’re not codependent but have never really found a healthy and steady dependency/attachment.
Lately, I feel like he has put me on some kind of pedestal because I’ve found ways to explain where my needs haven’t been met in the past and now he feels guilty for not being a better partner. He apologizes a lot and says I always deserved better. It makes me feel awkward.
Reading your story hit me in a weird way. We’re not separating. We’re both working on things. It’s hard and unpleasant and just sucks sometimes. But even while it sucks I can take the time to appreciate the small things that are natural, comfortable parts of the life we have.
I’m glad you have some clarity and some good memories that survived the crash. I appreciate you sharing. Even if it wasn’t for me, I definitely needed to read this today.
My mum grieved her divorce like a death because it basically was. It was needed, he did some shit that couldn’t be forgiven, but she was with him over 20 years. It died, and she grieved. Doesn’t matter that he killed it, just that their many years and yes, good memories as well as bad, happened and that was gone.
It was complicated by anger and betrayal and nastiness. But grief is still grief.