This may be a rule violation so I apologize, but I need to clarify that I am NOT looking for advice about my situation or anything. I’m simply trying to understand why some men, when deeply in love with a woman, will still pull away, create distance, self sabotage, etc in a relationship with said woman. I understand completely being terrified, but that has never caused me to pull away, only made me want to communicate more. So, I just want to understand and hear some stories from men who do that. The man I love has those pulling away tendencies, and funnily enough my dad had them with my mom in the early years of their relationship. What are y’all’s stories? What goes through your brain? Often times that pulling away can look like you don’t care that much, is that true? Just stuff like that. Thank you!
For the men that are more avoidant attachment/pull away from fear in a relationship, how come?
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This may be a rule violation so I apologize, but I need to clarify that I am NOT looking for advice about my situation or anything. I’m simply trying to understand why some men, when deeply in love with a woman, will still pull away, create distance, self sabotage, etc in a relationship with said woman. I understand completely being terrified, but that has never caused me to pull away, only made me want to communicate more. So, I just want to understand and hear some stories from men who do that. The man I love has those pulling away tendencies, and funnily enough my dad had them with my mom in the early years of their relationship. What are y’all’s stories? What goes through your brain? Often times that pulling away can look like you don’t care that much, is that true? Just stuff like that. Thank you!
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Trauma. Some underlying things they haven’t worked through or understand may be causing their behavior
It comes from a fear of being hurt. If you aren’t fully invested, the pain of loss doesn’t hurt as much. I felt fully invested into someone last year, and I mean fully invested. The funny part is that I think she became detached and felt that I was coming on too strong, which maybe I was, but I also wanted to demonstrate to her that I was fully invested. She eventually did something that told me she was not, and the pain I felt was overwhelming. It’s these types of relationships that can fester and cause one to hold a little back.
If you want to work with this person, give them reassurances. Be there for them. If you fall in love with them, let them know, but also don’t be afraid if they don’t respond with the same. Real love is not caring if they say it back.
Sometimes what looks like emotional distance is actually fear in disguise.
Dudes with avoidant tendencies often didnt grow up seeing healthy vulnerability modeled they saw conflict, rejection, or emotional shutdown. Maybe their emotions were used against them. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe being “close” meant being hurt.
So when love feels real, they panic. Not because they dont care but because it matters too much.
And if you’ve never felt safe being fully seen, the instinct is: pull back before I mess this up or before she sees I’m not enough.
You already nailed it: it’s learned behavior.
Your dad showed you one side of that loop. Now you’re living the other sides. But here’s the truth patterns can be broken.
The key? Mutual awareness.
You can’t force someone to heal, but you can choose whether you’ll participate in cycles or help create something new. That takes clarity, not just love.
Wanting to understand is a beautiful step. Just make sure it’s followed by boundaries that protect your peace.
3 out of 4 women I’ve dated for 1 years or longer have been caught cheating. And I’m 24. Both high school and both college relationships. A woman would really have to prove herself to me at this point in my life. I am uninterested and quite frankly don’t even care enough to try in general.
Fear,past experiences and no real way to express emotions
Two things can be true at the same time, they can be in love and also want space
define “pulling away”. Guy got done from work and needs time alone? perfectly normal…
A lot of times its the mother wound of a neglectful mother. Most men dont notice unless their mother was severely abusive but a non emotional or depressed mother can have a deep impact even if all other needs are met
I am one of those guys and struggled with this for a long time until I met my current partner but am in a much better place now.
There’s a number of interconnected problems. The first is that women don’t realize that an avoidant attachment style is still one form of an attachment style. Not everyone bonds in the same way. And just because he doesn’t for her model, does not mean he is incapable of bonding. It just means he does it in different ways. Whereas women think that avoidant men are just incapable of bonding, which is not true.
Xx fSecond thing, women then think they can fix the problem (rather than learning to love and accept). Which obviously makes the guy feel ignored and invalidated and sends a message that she wishes she was dating someone else. Which only further withdraws the guy.
Third, her way of fixing the problem usually indicates zero awareness of mens’ issues nor attachment styles. For example, they will demand that the guy communicate or go to therapy. Which maybe works for her but obviously not for him. Therapy was never really designed for men and every guy has a story of a time he opened up, tried to communicate and just got shut down or she used his weaknesses against him. Stories of men actually benefitting from any of this is in the extreme minority.
Fourth, guys will then try to cope in their own way. Be it through sports/gym, drowning themselves in work, gaming,etc etc etc. And then she’ll start attacking him for that to. Ultimately he just feels lost and withdraws completely and will refuse to elaborate because he has given her sufficient chances and she has only kicked him while he was still down.
Everyone has a background that effects them. My mother abandoned us 3 kids in the crib so I never had a relationship with her. I met her a few times as I grew up, but it was like meeting a distant aunt. So now establishing a trusting intimate relationship with a woman feels unnatural.
I also can’t understand why a woman would want to live with me. Again, it seems counterintuitive.
I take a slow cautious approach and if the woman gets demanding, I have no time for that.
There is a book called “Attached”. I highly recommend it. It explains the different attachment styles in detail and how they interact with eachother.
Trauma
Worried they’ll leave/cheat
Mom is the sweetest woman in the world to me but still managed to ruin my dad’s life with a divorce
We remember that women have the goal of taking all our time effort and money only to go off with a different guy. Just not worth that deep of a relationship.
If you have a string of terrible relationships, you can get the point where you just assume something has to go wrong and the better things go the more afraid you get Lucy is going to yank that football away and you’ll fall on your butt.
lol tag
Uh probably cuz of the fear
I hope you figure things out!
I’m one of those guys that pull away, despite being deeply in love with my girlfriend. (We’re likely about to split up but it’s amicable.) I never really thought about why I do this until the past year or so. My GF and I began to explore this together and it’s likely because of the way I was brought up. My parents fought a lot and didn’t show me much attention or love; basically, I was often trying to get away from them. I’m seeing a therapist now to try to work through my history so, hopefully, I can accept love more deeply.
I wish you the best!
Haven’t seen too many relationships that work
Had some bad experiences, so now I hardly even trust my own mother
The Internet
Haven’t had someone who has encouraged me to open up so now I just stay silent and walk away from the person instead of communicating my feelings
First, women do the exact same thing. You don’t notice it because you don’t date them.
Second, what do you mean by pulling away? Does he stop contacting you or is he ignoring your messages?
Third, are you contacting him when you want to see him or are you always waiting for him to make the first move?
Most of the time I’m actually just busy and forgot to text back.
I personally avoid because I faced abandonment as child and am just trying to get of a head of the curve /half joking
When I miss a text it gives me anxiety and takes a little courage to reply
If it’s a newer relationship, the guy might still be trying to hang on to some of his independence or he just has to learn how much closeness you expect or demand. He also could be getting pressure from his single friends to do single guy stuff. A good relationship has to be nurtured. The worst thing you can do is appear to be too clingy. As long as he is exclusive to you, there’s nothing to be concerned with.