I’m asking this primarily towards men who took the proper route and waited until you were in a good place financially and emotionally to have kids. But I understand stuff happens and kids are brought in to this world unintentionally. So their experience applies here too.
For myself, I’ve just never had a desire to raise a family and took the extra step of getting a vasectomy last year. I don’t even really want to adopt, since again the desire for being a father is not really there in me.
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Thought about what i wanted to dedicate my handful of decades to, and decided that was it. Couldn’t think of anything I would find more worthwhile.
Its a natural part of life and the human experience and wanted to be the dad my father never was
Maybe my kids are especially a handful, but it is one thing to think you are ready, and another thing entirely to be ready. I have a tough time believing anyone is actually ready for the onslaught that is parenthood.
Impact is that I am depleted emotionally and temporally, but at least I have a family now and I am never alone.
It might also say something – I’m not particularly afraid to die anymore (cease to exist), as I am afraid to leave my family in a bad situation and not seeing them ever again. So something has shifted.
The first 6 months are pretty goddamn scary. Then it’s work but a lot of fun. He’s almost 4. Great age. We race his cars in circles around the table for a couple hours before he gets bored of it. Yes parenting is a lot of work. However molding a little me is the most rewarding thing I am doing.
I heard a quote that the only man in this world who wants you to do better than him is your father. It’s a special relationship.
Edit: when I say mold, I mean raise. Not force into a certain way of life. Poor word choice.
If you don’t want kids, good, dont have them. Better to be 100% on kids than have them and resent them.
I always wanted to be a father since I was 14, and it’s pretty much been the primary motivator for why I do what I have done.
My kids are exhausting but are the light of my life. There is a pure joy that they bring watching them grow over time that I can’t put a price on(which is good because they be expensive as fuck).
My son does this thing where he walks through the safety gate, closes it behind him, runs about 5 feet, and then waits for me to chase him as he laughs with a cheeky smile on his face. I have to make sure to open the gates behind me so he can run the circuit over and over as I chase him. If I leave it closed he will see a closed gate and just flop over in a little teepee.
Yesterday he threw a temper tantrum because he wanted to walk outside. So he and I just went for 45 minute walk as he held my pointer finger. As soon as he saw the house? He would tantrum and turn around. Still riding that high of spending that time with him today.
It can be absolutely infuriating and the peak of joy.
Watching two kids be completely different in almost every way is wild.
You’ll hear loads of shit about “kids these days”.
They’re smarter, more resilient, more open and the stuff they are learning put my schooling into the dumpster.
Even on their worst day they are my best decision.
She was like “I want a baby so bad!” and I was like “yeah, kids are cool, ok lets have some.”
We didn’t really think about finances. The biggest thing was we wanted to wait until she graduated college. I didn’t mind having kids young because I didn’t want to be an old man when they grew up and moved out (which they’re all doing now).
Waited until my 40s.
Best thing that I ever did.
Dated and fell in love with the girl I had a crush on in high school. She lived 8 hrs from me when we were in college but we reconnected on Facebook. I convinced her to move back to her home town and finish nursing school locally. We dated for 6 years before getting married. We were married for 6 years before having kids. We waited 2 years between each of our three kids to have the next one. Marrying and having kids with this woman was always the plan from the day we started dating, which was Sept 22, 2008.
People decide to have kids? My two accidents are now teenagers and are a drain on our bank account.
If I could afford to have more, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
I was 25. My girlfriend wanted to have a baby. My parents had me young, and I wanted to continue that. Because I did not want to be a 50-year-old with a 10 year old. I am now 35, daughter is 9.
Do you have to own a house, and have 50k saved up, before you have a baby?
No. Quit lying to yourself.
It was more important to me to have a child at a healthy age, then it was to be “ready” for it. You are never ready.
People who have a grocery list of achievements they need to accomplish like their life is going to be over when they have a child are sick and twisted and selfish in the head. Sure, do your thing, but the healthiest age to have a baby is in your 20s. Don’t worry, people in the great depression were just fine.
You will be too.
Because my wife really wanted it and her happiness was more important to me than my ambivalence towards being a parent. 19 years later and I think it was the right call. I highly doubt we’d still be together if we hadn’t had children and without her I’m not sure I’d still be around or happy at least.
I never wanted to be a dad, really. And yet, I had the all too common feeling of…is this it?
I showed my wife at the time a video of the song arrival of the birds from the crimson Wing movie. The song is beautiful and she told me she wanted a baby then and there. The documentary is about the migration of flamingos to the specific lake where they turn pink.
Anyway we had our first kid. And we had our second kid. And trying to describe fatherhood and the feeling that you have towards your kids is like trying to describe color to a blind person.
My kids are the only thing worth a damn I have ever done and will ever do. There are definitely people on Reddit who think they are content but who miss out and have no idea, and I find that kind of sad.
It’s the closest thing to being able to relive your childhood that you can possibly experience.
Kids. are. the. best.
Being a father was something I’ve wanted since I was a kid. I always knew I wanted to, just didn’t know if it would happen for me.
Fast forward… I’ve been married 10 years so the three kids. My life is pure unfettered chaos. Seriously… CHAOS.
My these three adorable gremlins gave me a sense of purpose that I didn’t know existed before they came along.
My wife decided before we got married and had are first at 27. It was super difficult at first. We were busier than ever and I was at a point in my career where I had to work a lot of hours. Now I run my own company, work part time, and have two amazing kids. I am coaching my son’s soccer team, and it is incredibly rewarding. I will say this it’s really hard to juggle a family life, social life, and work life. I have something going on most days but even with how busy I am I really enjoy the sense of community I have, and the kids are a big part of that. For awhile I just worked insane hours and made a lot of money because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. Now that I just focus on being a husband, a father, and a involved member of my community I’ve never been happier.
I don’t believe anyone is ever truly ready
Financially we made it work, and being a dad made me more ambitious and driven at work, so that I could provide for my family
You may feel level-headed now but any lingering emotional issues may appear after your xth night of no sleep
We wanted kids and it’s been great but it’s been a different life from the moment the first one was born. You are no longer number 1 in your own life and there are tiny people counting on you and looking up to you, which is a big responsibility
Take a look at r/daddit for a lot of content on the matter.
It would never to me be an individual decision, like you’re presenting it. If you find someone who you want to go through this life in partnership with, then the two of you might want to intentionally procreate together. I wouldn’t suggest doing so without having a good person to do it with, but conversely, being a parent in a loving family is probably the best part of life.
Timing felt right, we have a house, stable jobs, a healthy relationship… took a year of trying and some fertility testing to confirm there wasn’t something physically preventing us from getting pregnant… then it finally happened… boom TWINS. and then covid happened, and my wife is a nurse in a hospital, and they were born 2 months early and spent a month in the NICU
Life comes at you fast. They are 4 now and awesome healthy kids. But getting deal that double stack right out the gate really killed my wallet and wrecked my budget. Hopefully one day this decade I can climb out of the financial hole childcare and other expenses for two set me back.
I’m a giant child at heart so the thought of having some little buddies kicking around sounded kinda rad. I knew it was going to change a lot in my life but my wife and I were pretty sure we ready. COVID helped a ton.
Turns out, we were pretty dead on. It’s an absolute shit ton of work, you seldom have a minute to yourself but it’s fun as hell and you get a little buddy that comes with you everywhere. Watching my kid learn stuff is more rewarding than anything I’ve done. It’s amazing and hard and exciting and terrifying and exhausting and every other thing you could think of.
Plus there’s this little primitive voice in my head that said “all the generations before you took this plunge, don’t be a lazy twat, keep the bloodline going” Which is a pretty weird thing to be honest.
I got married late (37) and was ambivalent about kids. After a couple of years my wife sat me down and asked if we could have a baby. There were complications, but we ended up having three altogether. Now I can’t imagine not having them in my life. I was always kind of adrift, but now it seems being a father is my purpose in life.
I don’t know how ready I was but I was married and I knew I wanted to be a dad. That was always the plan. My father is amazing and I wanted to carry that on. My oldest just turned 21 and I have 4. My youngest just totalled my car last weekend but she is safe. Love throws curve balls with kids but I love them so much. Been a blast and I couldn’t imagine love without them. Like someone else posted, I just want to see them win and I do anything to help them. My son graduates high school in a few months, another daughter is talking about getting married and my oldest should be graduating college next month. My youngest just got back from Europe. We are not rich but we’ve made this life such an awesome adventure.
We chose not to have kids then about 10 years after marriage we started thing kids are a good thing. We adopted 3. It was not a mistake but life is totally different now and not what we expected. I would still do it again. But life is harder with kids than without.
Eventually, you have to decide if your career, life, or other ambitions are worth pruining your family tree.
Personally, my wife very much wanted kids, and our life ambitions were compatible and even based around family, so when we could, we did. We are enjoying seeing them grow and look forward to having kids and grandkids in our lives.
It’s challenging, and the world is not set up for parents. It impacts every aspect of trying to make life work. But, it’s what humans were meant to do, so we make it work and appreciate every advantage we have been given that makes it easier.
I hope that in the future, we will have more support for parents and kids as a society. There’s some major gaps despite being the most critical element of humanity.
You don’t have to feel bad about that OP. I (50M) knew from my early teens I never wanted to have children and be a father. I’ve had this convo with the partners I’ve had when the time was right and it has cost me several relationships. But I have always felt I did right by those women by being honest.
There are way too many unwanted children in this world, regardless of what people say, and I am not willing to contribute to that. I am very satisfied with my decision and have not regretted not having children for a single minute of my life. I know many people who are great parents and love their kids more than anything. That’s great – it just wasn’t something I had any interest in doing.
The entire first year is terrifying, I was scared of everything, but my daughter is absolutely the best part of my day.
My wife works full time remote and I work on site full time, im very fortunate that we don’t need to pay for daycare.
I wanted to raise a family because I came from a very broken family and wanted to “fix” the wrong that my family had created. My children will never experience the things that I did growing up, and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. They will be taught those lessons.
There are some feelings and views that changed when I had my first child, it was for the better for sure. I grew up a lot and I even started going to therapy to heal from the things I experienced because I didn’t want my kids to see me dealing with that stuff in an unhealthy way. It makes a lot of what were complicated decisions fairly straight forward as well. Now most decisions are made by asking “how does this affect my children?” If it’s not good, we don’t do it.
There’s so much fulfillment that I get from coming home to my family and spending time doing those little things that would have originally meant nothing to me. A quick hug from my wife after work isn’t the same as my daughter running to greet me at the door and giving me a hug before I can put my bag down and take my shoes off.
It’s not for everyone, don’t feel guilty or negative for deciding that it isn’t what you want. I learned so much in such a short time that I’m a better husband, father, friend, worked, brother, uncle, etc. my family makes me a better person.
I always knew I wanted kids, but you never really know what it feels like until you’re holding your kid for the first time.
We have a 5yo son and our daughter is almost 3yo. Probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Parenting is challenging, don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t, but it’s worth it.
My wife and kids are my priority.
The kids are now 21 and 17….I’m going to be lost in about a year when I’m not needed as much
I took my youth too far into my adulthood. Fatherhood certainly wasn’t of my choosing. I must admit, it really straightened me out. I no longer had any illusions about life once those kids came into it. My first child came into the world when I was married, new to my profession and absolutely mismatched with my wife. I ran away from that scene with a co-worker who I was “madly in love with”, then proceeded to have four kids with her, who I love with every atom in my body. That poor lad, the first one, we didn’t ever really get to know each other but his mother remarried and he turned out okay. The other four live with their mother across state lines. In all cases they were provided for, but I would have rather had the time with them than just sending money. Like you, I got that vasectomy after the mother of my children ran away. I thought, okay, five was enough. Love them, miss them, all the time. The kids, not the wives. C
I wanted to give a child the life I didn’t have and raise a good human being. It is the absolutely best thing I have ever done and I am so proud of the man he has become.
You’ll never be in the perfect place mate , found an amazing woman and kids were a natural progression in a couple of years . I was 27 . As long as you can put food on the table and a roof over their head and they are safe you’ll be fine .
We were comfortable but not wealthy , had some money aside for my wife to take a year off . We started a business and built it from there .
I’m 49 , haven’t heard from my father in 35 years . Be the best man you can be raising kids or not
I was on the fence until I met my now wife and realized the only reason I was on the fence was because of societal pressure and really just didn’t want kids.
I did a mentoring program with a kid from 4th grade until he graduated and still see him every couple of months and that is the right amount of “parenting” for me.
Posting just because it seems like you are struggling with what I was, the fact that not wanting kids is ok
Never really wanted kids or marriage, but I met a woman who changed my mind in my late 20s. I was making bank and had and done everything i wanted in life already, so i thought, why not? Also, raw dogging my wife daily, nightly, and ever so rightly was a pretty big perk. Turned out to be way more stress and work than I could handle and had some mental breakdowns, dependency issues, hospital stay, went broke, almost lost everything. It’s been 11 years as a father now, and it still hasn’t been worth it. I just want it to be over already.
I’m introver, so it was difficult enough to find a partner. After we got kids, she turned abusive and toxic, I mean blood pouring from my head abusive. I’ve left her, and now I have sole custody of two teenagers. It’s really hard for me. I would never have children if I knew what’s going to happen. It’s taking toll on me mentally. I just hope I do enough for my children until they are adults.
My wife wanted kids, I was iffy on them.
I would have been content being the fun uncle and auntie that still go on holidays every year.
But the fact my wife wanted them made me want them. I knew I wouldn’t be doing it alone it was something we both would do together. I’m not sure why my mind set was like that for so long in terms of ‘I don’t want kids’ and didn’t think ‘WE want kids’ but thinking about it from the point of partners raising kids and not ME raising kids helped.
There are still days where I don’t want kids but those pale in comparison to the days I do. And it wasn’t always like that, other dad’s will often say the same, even for different kids.
Kid 1 they will see birthed and immediately love the child, the others may not care about them until they first grab their finger, or the baby first smiles at them, or says their first word or maybe not even until they can start talking with them. Guys do get forms of PPD also.
If you had a good childhood, you can provide that or better to your child and relive it through them, watch them enjoy things for the first time and have new experiences.
If you had a bad childhood, you can ensure they don’t have the same and live a good childhood vicariously through them.
Both are rewarding.
Didn’t want to get married most of my life, never imagined having kids but was always told I’d probably be a good father, so the thought was always there. Then everything fell into place.
Finally met my future wife at 32, got my current job in a starting role in at 33 (had experience in other parts of the industry but starting over). 3 years after that I got promoted to a leader role. Within months I was planning a proposal and I proposed on our 5th anniversary at 37 (2021). We bought our first house that fall in September 2021 and got married the following year in September 2022. Exactly 9 months later to the day in June 2023 we had our first. While not exactly planned, we stopped birth control when we got married cuz we wanted to try, and it happened almost immediately.
It’s hard to imagine life in the other context, of either not being a father then, or comparing being a father now to someone who isn’t.
I have become more patient, I seem to have more insight into myself like how I behave, talk, or respond to things and have become super sensitive that awareness. I think it’s made me grow more than I otherwise ever could have. It’s also a lot of work, and I have to remind myself sometimes to pay attention and not let my own thoughts wander off like they used to. I never really desired to be a father, but I love it and I’m doing the very best I can.
I just always wanted kids 🤷♀️…. it wasn’t as if I had some desire to continue my line or some bullshit like that. I had no idea if I’d even be any good but my wife must have thought I’d be OK. And neither did we get any pressure from either sets of parents. We had our first after a year in to our marriage. It’s clearly had a huge impact on my life, and has only added to my life, in terms of stability, fun, happiness and just being alive. It comes always at a cost too, constantly a source of worry, no doubt financial! also, and frustration of course. Definitely kids have eras, mine are in college now, and it’s a whole new set of worries and concerns.
I mean. Some people wanna be dads and some don’t.
For me I like raising my kids and directing them and leading them and watching them as they grow into happy healthy successful adults.
Like gardening I guess. lol
I wanted to have a kid, that’s how I decided. It changed everything in my life, but it’s a huge net positive.
I always wanted to be a dad. Even when I was a kid I wanted my own kids someday.
Now I have two boys of my own (ages 10 and 15) and one stepson (age 12).
If I may quote John Wayne in The Cowboys, “Every man wants his children to be better than he was.” Likewise, when I was a kid, my own dad used to tell me, “I’m not trying to raise a good boy, I’m trying to raise a good man.” I’ve always remembered that. Our children are our legacy. Hopefully we can teach them to be better than we are and to help make the world a better place.
When we met my wife didn’t want kids. I told her I could be happy either way. One day we had a couple glasses of wine and she said she had changed her mind and was thinking of having kids. That biological clock was ticking. The thought was intriguing to me as well and we were lucky to get pregnant within a few months.
I remember when my daughter was born I had a deep sense of responsibility but also fulfillment. Like I had completely my biological imperative as a human being to reproduce. Raising a child is all consuming but I had experienced most everything up to that point so it was a good next step in life. Raising a kid is not easy but if the dumbest among us can figure out how to keep a kid alive, most anyone can too. Some can do it much better than others but it’s sort of biologically built into you.
My opinion now is that peak manhood is not having the biggest muscles or being able to fire a gun or punch someone in the face. It’s taking responsibility for and protecting a child. So I honestly now have more respect for the skinny little dude taking his kid to school than macho alpha guy.
I never wanted kids. I was far too selfish and self-centered. And then. one day, we looked at one another and decided we HAD TO REPRODUCE!
Neither one of us had really voiced the desire to have kids until then, but it was like a bell rang or something.
And we got pregnant that instant. Both times we wanted to, as soon as I walked by the door, my wife got pregnant.
And both kids, my daughter and my son are individually and collectively the best things I have ever done other than convincing my wife to marry and then stay with me.
I will say, unlike some of my friends, I didn’t have some wave of fatherly emotion come over me at their births. I mean, I was predisposed to loving them, but for me, it was like meeting someone new who I was going to pay for everything for 20 or so years. But as they got older, every stage was better. Now, they’re grown AND I GET TO SEE THEM NEXT WEEK! Having to fly to see them sucks, but I couldn’t be prouder that they’ve left Tulsa and are succeeding in their careers in NY.
Some of the absolute happiest memories of my life are about my kids. The rest are about my wife. I have been blessed beyond anything I ever would have had the courage to ask for.
We adopted because :
At first, my wife and I were very reluctant, because our own childhoods really sucked. We didn’t feel qualified.
Our daughter is 17 now. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and independent AF. One more year of high school, then college. She impresses us every day, even when she’s crabby, moody, or pissed off. She’s the light of our lives.
I think we did alright.
Always thought I’d be a dad, then met and eventually married a woman who was ambivalent about being a parent, thought we might not have kids, but I love her, so… Turns out she did want to get pregnant about a year after marriage, then we suffered a miscarriage (surprisingly common). That was followed by an ectopic pregnancy (damn the luck) which launched us on the IVF road. I have never worked so hard for so long to have a kid, but we now have two. I now understand and agree with people who say that their proudest accomplishments in life are their children.
I have always wanted kids. It was the right time.
I always liked kids. I had a lot of younger cousins and got a kick out of playing with them. I was also very responsible even as a young kid so I always corralled the kids at the beach or whatever while the parents chatted.
Always felt like I wanted to be a dad. Now that my kids are adults I really miss having young ones around. I had a vasectomy after my third child so no more for me.
I guess I’m waiting for grandkids but one of my daughters is gay and my son is doing about as well as most mid 20s average guy in todays hell of a dating environment, hadn’t had a girlfriend in a few years.
My hopes were on my youngest as she seemed to be serious with her boyfriend of 5 years but he ended up breaking up with her just when they were taking about getting married because he decided he never wants to have kids and he knows she does so he ended it.
We kept seeing cute little kids walking up to us everywhere we went like little fairies asking us to join them.
I’m deadass serious there were so many funny interactions even with strangers kids just walking up and wanting to just gently play with me and my wife, it lit a craving in us for family.
Best decision ever, my daughter makes me laugh every day, she’s the sunshine of my life, her little adorable face takes away all my sadness. She loves to play, she’s excited I’m home, her innocent joy at seeing animals or being outside – everything is new again and special as I experience it fresh through her.
We have a son on the way too, I’m real excited for the boy experience.
It’s tough sometimes, I was used to my time being mine, but just having a Dad presence is enough to set most baby upsets right. Dad nurturing powers are amazing, and it’s really interesting to see this part of myself unlock – and it really is like receiving a skill through a level up or something, didn’t know I had it! I know it’s supposed about 5 years of hard work, but after almost 2, it’s pretty easy. No regrets.
You already cut off your baby batter so its pointless to ask at this point
I’m a father because growing up I had family but it’s wasn’t really “family” if you get what I’m saying. Yes my parents loved me and did their best but as I got older I grew distant and basically detached myself from them on a spiritual level.
That’s why I started having children of my own. I wanted to raise them in be there for them in all ways possible and actually want to do it not just because it’s my job. I want to let them know by my actions that as their father I’ll always be there and be an open ear for anything they want to talk about. Be as happy they are about things they are interested and not only interested in the thing I think they should like.
For me the point of life wasn’t to see more and have more. I wanted a family. And I don’t regret a thing (one wife one kid)
I was in my 30’s and the pregnancy came unplanned but with someone I was with for 8 years and living with. We had the baby and two days later they send you home with a whole human. It’s pretty unreal. You learn most things by trial and error early on. There’s a lot of resources to learn from but it feels like they’re all contradictory or situational. Very few hard facts to deal with. You go to the ER pretty frequently and then they begin learning and developing and it becomes a lot of fun. It’s never ending work and effort. I changed just about everything in my life to be a good father. Career, interests, people I associate with. Three years ago, I could never imagine not having a huge, large active friend group to meet up with whenever or golf. Now I have no close friends I hang out with and I play some video games in my free time with a couple co workers. I’m content with all this because you don’t really have the energy if you’re doing things right. And I don’t miss going out, going to the casino or whatever else I used to think was fun. I guess your priorities and interests naturally shift if it’s something you embrace.
Outside of your 1 percenters, I don’t think anyone is every in a “good place” financially to have kids. Those things are money pits, and even with my job and support network it still drained my account a good bit.
Emotionally, yeah my wife and I were in a really good place, and both of us wanted to start a family, and I think that made the difference. My siblings had children young, and accidentally, and I can’t help but feel like they resent what their lives are. My wife and I are in the best spot our marriage has ever been in, and now we have an almost 10 month old best friend we get to share it with.
I love my life, and even though I’m more broken than I thought I would be, I wouldn’t change a thing. I can always and will make more money
I was feeling meh about it, and my wife would say she felt the same, but I could tell she was downplaying her emotions. When I mentioned I’d been thinking about it more lately, she immediately said, “Let’s do it!” We were 32, so it was starting to feel like a “last opportunity” kind of thing. I’m so glad we went for it. I love my kid and my wife so much. She’s such a sweet person that she’d give up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity just because she thought it was what I wanted. Now, a few years down the road, even though we’re exhausted and only recently able to get a full night’s sleep, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Of course, it’s not all a bed of roses, but even the rough times aren’t as tough as they could be. I think it depends heavily on the strength of your relationship with your partner.
Honestly, it was a roll of the dice. I wasn’t close to my Dad…he meant well, but did not connect well emotionally. And I was always afraid I’d be a distant, aloof father. For 9 years I was with a woman who knew she never wanted kids. I knew I could be content with a childless life, but I also saw my brothers starting to have their own families, and I began to think about what my 40s and 50s and beyond would be like without that sort of relationship. I met a woman who wanted kids but made it clear she could go either way. She didn’t want to pressure me into it. That gave me the space to fully consider it, and I took the plunge. Parenting is exhausting and frustrating at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’ve grown immensely in living for someone else as well as myself. You can have that in a solid partner, but it’s different with a wholly dependent kid who’s struggling to make sense of the world and make their place in it.
Always wanted to be a Dad 👍
Have 2 boys, 11 and 14 this year and I’ll be 45…
My Mrs and I talked very early in our relationship about having kids and thankfully we both had the same feelings and started our family pretty much after we got married.
It is hard having kids… the baby stage and getting up in the middle of the night to do feeds, keeping them alive 😂 then as they grow keeping up with their expanding appetite, school, friends, homework and all the clubs that they are part of.
I wouldn’t change it at all.. they are my everything they make me laugh, cry and mad on a weekly basis 😂 I’ve never loved something so fiercely before and want to protect them all the time from everything.
I respect that it’s not for everyone, there are times where you reacquaint yourself with silence but I still miss them when they aren’t around
It happened, huge impact. Positive
I was ok with being a father and also ok with never being one too. The defining factor is being in love with someone so much that you’d want to have their kids. That was important to me. Iv been in some pretty meaningful relationships in my life but didn’t want to have their kids or raise kids with that person.
Didn’t think about it much until I met my wife. She brought it up. I thought about it and decided, “Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I want children with her.”
That was in my mid-30s. In my mid 40s now. Best decision ever.
So many young men grow up without any direction in their lives. They don’t know how to live as a man because they have had only shitty role models and fake hollywood caricatures.
Why did I decide to have kids? I always knew I wanted to be a working man with a family, living in a house. I had a vision for what I wanted my life to look like, and worked backward to make a plan for things I’d most likely/definitely have to do along the way to get there. I worked hard in school, I went to college, I studied something that had good career outcomes, met a nice girl with a nice family from my same church, got married, graduated, started working, and a couple years later had a daughter, and a couple years after that a son. Now I’m finally doing what I always saw myself doing: holding a steady job, loving my wife, and teaching my kids important things, like how to throw a football, and reading with them a lot.
IDK what you thought your life would look like growing up, OP, but I hope you’re on your way there, and you keep chasing your dreams. To any younger people who might read this: I know the world seems like a hard, dream-crushing place (and it certainly can be), but there’s a way to get wherever you want to be (within reason – we can’t ALL be rockstars and astronauts). Yes, it depends on the privileges you’ve been given and the work you’re willing to put in, but all you young men can live an honorable life as a man, and help the next generation do the same.
I had kids because the woman I was with wanted to, and I liked her and knew I was capable of being a good father and able to support them all. Their mother and I are no longer together, and I do indeed support them all. I am not happy she left, it was a betrayal of what I assumed was an implied promise to give the kids the best childhood possible. Nobody’s perfect but I was not a bad partner, certainly no abuse. I guess my point is, the more impactful event on my life was choosing the wrong person to have kids with, I’m not choosing to have kids.
I was studying to be a Catholic priest in my late teens and early 20s, and when I left the seminary I was still Mr Super Catholic and intended to have at least 5 kids, but preferably closer to 8. By the time I met my wife a few years later, I was no longer religious and my views on how many kids I wanted had tempered to 1 or 2, and at most 3. Fresh from the seminary, I wanted kids because that’s what you do, you get married and have kids, but by the time I met my wife, my thoughts had matured. I had worked with children a lot in summer camps and as a preschool gymnastics instructor and I realized that I really loved working with kids and that I was actually very good at it. I realized that I wanted to be a dad because I was good with kids and it made me happy to be there for and teach kids and I wanted one or two of my own so I could be there for a kid all the time, also I realized that there’s just a difference between what I was doing in caring for kids vs being a parent.
My wife and I always wanted to have kids, but our daughter was an oopsie. We didn’t have health insurance at the time and we couldn’t afford her birth control that month, but I made her birthday special (on a budget) and one thing led to another and we didn’t have a condom and we thought ONE time would surely be ok. Well, it wasn’t lol
But like I said, we always wanted to be parents, just not then. We got our shit together quick and in a hurry like. We should have had our shit together before getting pregnant, but life is life sometimes.
Anyway, I absolutely LOVE being a dad. I don’t want any more kids and the wife and I are careful, but yeah being a dad is awesome. My little girl and my wife are the best parts of my day and I love spending time with both of them. I love taking her to the library and the park. I love watching her silly little shows with her and I love listening to the weird toddler logic and playing dragons or unicorns or princess/king with her. I love listening to her tell me about her favorite colors. I love trying to teach her her ABCs and 123s. I love teaching her her shapes. I love taking her to the store and seeing her get excited about pretty dresses and silly toys. I love making her day buy buying her a new book or picking one from the library. I love when my wife gives her a cute little hairstyle and she gets so excited to come show me and she can barely get a word out. I seeing her take naps with my wife. I love when she runs in my room in the morning and snuggles up to me. I love the little drawings (which are really just scribbles) or coloring pages she makes for me with my wife. Pizza is her favorite food in the world and I love seeing her do her little happy dance when we get pizza for dinner. I love hearing her call for me like 30,000,000 times a day. I just love everything about my little hyperactive disorganized little elf of a daughter
All of that makes my life feel richer and fuller than it did before. I don’t believe in God anymore, but I mean, shit, she is a blessing to me in every way. I have tendencies toward laziness and/or stagnation, but having my little girl hasade me realize that is no way to live and has caused me to do more and take things more seriously and has caused me to grow as a person because I want to provide everything for her that she deserves and wants and her to be able to look at me and be proud of the man who her father is.
All of that said, I can definitely understand why some men (and women) don’t want kids. They are a lot. And I’m no saint. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated by this little girl. She’s a toddler. Toddlers are ridiculous sometimes. The other day she was being rude as hell to my wife and me for no reason and every time we corrected her it was a meltdown. Potty training is a BITCH. Everything has more or less come easily to her, but she has an iron will and she just does not want to use the toilet. She knows how and some days she will, but other days this little three-nager will literally be a defiant turd and tell us “no daddy I don’t think I want to use the potty today” and it doesn’t matter if we just give her real underwear and let her pee or poo herself and let her experience that discomfort or if we give her pullups, she just WILL NOT use the friggen toilet, no matter what we try.
My sister had kids first, and she was a foster parent too. So I enjoyed being the uncle who would take a bunch of kids for a night or two. I really enjoyed taking them for urban adventures – lots of plays, the aquarium, ballet (Nutcracker), fancy pants restaurants. No joke – many kids these days don’t know how to play as imaginatively as I grew up with. They loved being shown how to do skits and turn an apartment into a flaming spaceship.
My gf and I weren’t “ready ready”. We didn’t do up a spreadsheet to figure out if this was a rational decision. We talked about it, she went off birth control, and within a week she was pregnant.
She developed “post partum psychosis”, so within a week of our son being born, she was involuntarily committed to the psych ward. This came as a huge surprise to me (she’d had an earlier episode that she hadn’t disclosed to me). So I had to take our infant son to see her at the hospital for the first 6 weeks. I took this all in stride, figuring it would all work out. I had to quit my job (we’d planned on her not working for the first year or two).
Meds are a huge struggle to get right. Get them wrong, and people become a shell of themselves. She had a relapse when our son was two.
My professional life took a nosedive. I liked working so much, I had two careers – one as a software developer, another as a writer doing story/narrative content for video games. I didn’t think twice about giving this up.
I had an awesome childhood, so even more than a drive to be a dad, I feel compelled to do my part so that some other kids can enjoy some of the magic I experienced. There is nothing more precious to me than the joy of a child. Being a parent helped me be a better person, because caring for others more than you care for yourself is a beautiful thing. As long as you stick to that mindset, I think you’ll be paid back a hundred times over in joy.
You don’t have to go into parenting full-hog. I’d recommend getting in touch with your local Ministry of Families or whomever is in charge of foster kids, and ask about being set up as a relief foster parent. “Relief” means you’ll only have kids for a few days. If you work from an office, you can still be available for kids on weekends. They will work with whatever schedule you give them, and you can even figure out which age kids work best for you. Then you’re all set for adventure.
Honestly hadn’t thought about it in detail before it had happened. Our first was kind of an accident, but we were already married and in a stable living/financial situation so it was a happy accident and not really any drama.
Now we have three little ones including an 18 week old baby, they’re a lot of work and a massive change to our pre-parenthood lifestyle but honestly…wouldn’t change it for the world.
Being a parent is incredibly fulfilling, watching them grow into whole-arse little human beings with personalities and every day being a new journey of excitement and exploration for them is absolutely adorable.
And the cuddles, and their happy little faces when I play with them or read them a bedtime story. They’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
I wanted to be a father since I was 20-22, but waited until I was financially stable.
It was mainly two things: mostly a general feeling that it would be fun to have kids, then a little bit of the idea that I would probably eventually get bored without them.
I went from not wanting kids at all to feeling like kids were ok to wanting to have them. There’s nothing in particular that happened to cause these shifts, it just went this way in my thirties. I even remember thinking it was weird that I starting to think kids were cool haha.
I wanted to be a father since at least my 20s. And while I was glad I waited until my early-30s, it was always in the cards for me and my wife. We actually would’ve started earlier, but she was a med student and then a resident and it’s just really hard for her to have yet another thing. But, she ended up getting pregnant anyway last year of residency and we just said “fuck it, let’s do this.” She miscarried first trimester and we were like, “Nah, let’s go for it” and now we have two kids.
Dated a bit, had one long term relationship thinking I would never want kids. Met my wife who had the same experience. After a few years of marriage, we started having our nephews visit for the summer.
It was a lot of fun and we missed them when they were gone.
Then we did some shrooms one day and realized we are truly family and wanted to add to our family, so we had a baby.
I feel like I’m living the best years of my life. Such a good, sweet kid. Looks like a half me, half her and acts like it too. We just started the sports era
I was more open to the idea than excited about it. I don’t regret it, I love both of my kids. It does come with drawbacks. You never know what (who) you’re going to get when you have a little one.
Legit – 50%+ of the guys I know with a kid(s) said it was an oops.
I’m not a father but I feel like I can answer this. I always want a son / daughter since I was a kid, to be the same role model that my father is to me. This was kicked into high gear when I met my ex, at the time it seemed the stars aligned and gave me the woman of my dreams. So I guess it has to do with upbringing, the desire to have a mini you, and sharing raising a life with a person you love.
I always wanted kids. Not like in the moment or anything, but I knew I wanted to be a father one day. I don’t think I ever dated a woman I didn’t think I could have kids with, and honestly it cost me a lot of attractive women in my youth!
But being a dad has been the most challenging, rewarding, and fun experience of my life. I’ve grown a lot and I can’t imagine not being a dad. When my parents come and keep my son for a day or two I’m always shocked how bored I am. My son is my guy. I feel blessed to be a dad, but I feel even more blessed to be his dad.
My wife and I knew that by the time we were too old to have kids we would want them. Becoming old with no legacy/next of kin just wasn’t what we wanted in life. We’ve had hobbies, traveled, and realized we have to do more over the next 30+ years
My 6 month old loves us so much and it’s awesome watching him grow
I have improved in every single area and aspect of my life bc of my kids, physical, financial, educational and spiritual, and its because of them.
We thought we were ready for kids but in reality my wife was and I was not.
I am now and I love my kids but there are things that you have to understand about being a parent or you are going to be a shit parent.
Now for one person to have alone time the kids need to be down for bed or the other partner needs to fly solo for a bit. If you aren’t ready for that, it’s gonna be rough.
kids are expensive. Diapers, wipes, baby toys, baby clothes, baby-proofing stuff for your home, etc. It all costs money and as they get older you trade out some expenses for others. Now my kids are doing activities and you have to pay for those and spend time and money taking them to practices and rehearsals etc.
kids don’t gaf about being reasonable. Their brains aren’t developed yet so you have to learn to deal with tantrums and wanting to stay up super late and this cup is the wrong color and every stupid little reason that just makes you ask why? You have to learn to stop and take a deep breath and not get frustrated.
Overall, it’s just about learning to control your own wants and emotions and being able to put them aside because you brought another life into the world.
I struggled for the first few years and would get really frustrated, but I’ve learned a lot about it myself and about life since they’ve been born and I don’t regret it at all.
I love them so much and being able to share special moments with them is awesome.
If you aren’t ready to do that yet, or ever, there’s no shame in that, but also, don’t have kids until you are.
So many of my friends and I and our spouses all relate to how shitty our parents were at times or even all the time and how we don’t want to be that way for our kids, but it can be very hard at times.
Just understand what you’re committing to before you get into it.
Always knew I wanted kids….. and I love it
My wife really wanted kids and seduced me !
I grew up never wanting children and that’s the way it stayed until I met my wife. She’d always wanted to become a mother, ever since she was young. Through the first few years, I never really put too much thought into it. Then I proposed, and realized that if I wanted her, it would also mean eventually having kids. Otherwise, it wouldn’t been a dealbreaker for her. So, I put a lot of thought into it and ultimately decided to be a dad. Still, we waited to conceive until after I’d gotten a better job, a larger place, and a car with four doors (a first for me). Our son is five now and he’s the absolute best thing in my entire world, with my wife a close second. Best decision I’ve ever made.
Our first kid was a surprise when I was pretty young and figured in for a penny in for a pound and had another 2 years later. I would say we weren’t ready financially but becoming a father kicked me in the ass and turned me into a responsible semi successful man. I buckled down and started a business and bought a home all while my wife was home the kids.
All that being said I have not found being a father particularly rewarding. I make all the games and concerts and provide all they need. For some reason I don’t really look forward to spending time with my family and don’t really miss them when we are apart. I wish I did. I read all these responses and most men seem to have a great relationship with their kids.
Because I always had inherent desire to have kids which got stronger with age. Transformative impact cannot imagine going back, my child simply learning to really giggle and laugh might have been the happiest 5 mins of my life.