For those who are happily married, I’m curious to know: what were the key values, principles, and priorities you were clear about before marriage? What important aspects did you make sure to discuss and communicate openly with your potential partner during the early stages? How you mentioned it and their reaction may be….
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I clearly communicated that I didn’t want kids. I didn’t make it a big announcement or serious conversation when I did. I told him multiple times when we started dating: “I don’t want kids so if that’s something that you want, this isn’t going to work out and that’s ok.” I also made clear that it wasn’t something I would change my mind about. He appreciated it and said he hadn’t taken the time to think about whether he actually wanted kids so me bringing it up allowed him to sit with his own feelings and think it through.
I also told him on like our fifth or sixth date that if I ever got married, I wanted to elope and didn’t want a wedding so if he wanted a big family wedding, I wasn’t the girl for him. He thought this was pretty funny and it totally aligned with what he wanted. We eloped and it was magical.
We’ve been together four years now and our relationship is the best part of my life. I couldn’t have picked a better partner.
Everything else wasn’t like a checklist. It’s just part of knowing someone. If you date and talk to someone a lot, you should be able to learn their politics, their values, their world views from natural everyday being in a serious romantic relationship interactions. You can see their financial habits. You discuss the news and how you feel about it (what you think about Luigi Mangione says a lot about you, for instance). Etc.
Honestly, we didn’t talk much about the future when we first started dating — no big discussions about marriage, kids, or long-term plans. We simply enjoyed being together and let things flow naturally. A few years in, life threw some serious challenges our way, especially regarding my health, and that’s when we started having real conversations about what our future might look like.
I was diagnosed with cancer twice in my early twenties, and he was by my side through every step of it. He stayed when I pushed him away, supported me through my depression, stood by me through my struggles with comfort eating, and even cared for my hygiene after surgeries — things most people wouldn’t even consider in such young age.
Interestingly, he actually proposed fairly early in our relationship, and I said no at the time. But it was during those hard moments, when his loyalty and character truly showed, that I realized he was the one. He has been for the past two decades now.
I’ve never had to question his honesty, reliability, or integrity — and in all these years, he’s never given me a reason to.
Married for 13- together 17 years.
Loyalty- this is also valuable on a smaller scale. Does he talk about other women, watches porn, looks at other women, has a problem with lust, defends you if someone disrespects you. Loyalty is extremely important for a long term relationship. It’s a character trait and I don’t demand it, they need to have it. If I need to teach it, they won’t be loyal when we have a rough patch. His loyalty should not be dependent on how much he likes me. It’s my right.
Intelligence- never date stupid. An intelligent men can reflect, mirror, analyze and foresee and prevent situations that would harm the relationship. An intelligent men understands that family union is an important part of life and that it needs sacrifices from his selfish wants to protect the union. They also have the better income potential.
Communication- he needs to be able to verbalize his inner feelings in a respectful manner early on. Someone who let feelings fester and doesn’t really understand what he’s feeling, has a higher risk of having outburst. I want someone to tell me immediately if they have a problem, so that we can work together. A team needs communication. That’s also a trait intelligent people often have.
To be able to share and communicate money- money is important. I have seen way too many times that many married men aren’t open about money. Sex and money are the two most divorce reasons. He needs to be open with his financial situation and be able to share his money to have a healthy family.
Respect- in fight there should never be name calling. They should never get loud. No snarky comments that need an apology later on. They should respect your opinions and believes. They should respect your family and upbringing. They should respect women. His respect should never be conditional on how much he likes you. That’s why women say „watch how he treats someone beneath him.“ Someone respectful is respectful to everyone.
He needs to be attentive- having a long term relationship needs to be with someone who really likes you. After a while many don’t show as much attention to their partner as they should. Researchers have shown that a long lasting marriage needs a partner that shows interest what the other is doing. If you tell of something that is on your mind – like new show- do they listen and talk with you about? If you point at something on the street, do they look and interact with you? People who like you will do that automatically, but it should be done long term.
Last but not least- he needs to be sexually compatible. But if someone has all the traits above, this is usually not a problem. Sex is important. Date someone who makes your leg’s shake.
Money habits, debt, credit score, taxes. I didn’t do financial problems for myself and didn’t want to inherit any financial problems. We were both debt free, zero IRS issues and 800+ credit scores. Had to ask.
Kids. We were later in life and neither had kids. I didn’t want to be a parent. He said he didn’t either. We had to make sure we were on the same page. We revisited the topic years later, after marriage, because he was offering to have a vasectomy to make things easier for me. It was honestly a little sad to close off that possibility even though we didn’t want kids and we were 40ish. Maybe we mourned the lack of having the option. Had we met a lot earlier, we may have decided to have kids… maybe. It was surprisingly emotional.
We didn’t have a big talk about division of unpaid labor. I think we were both content with the how the other managed adulting separately, so it wasn’t an unknown factor when we decided to live together. When we were newly dating, it was obvious his home was clean, he grocery shopped, cooked, etc. It might be wise to discuss it, but I wouldn’t have considered marrying him if I thought I had to.
We knew each other well by the time we got married. I think finances, family planning, and labor division are the biggest potential boiling points and most important things to be absolutely compatible with if you’re making your relationship legal and cohabitating.