I just wanted to ask you all because I’m losing hope.
My light is dimming. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I really don’t.
I’m 36(F) and have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12.
Back in 2022 I discovered his affair. We have three children together and because of an all around work, education and therefore income disparity as I had to pause my own personal development to raise our children all over the states and overseas (military) – I stayed in the marriage. He promised it would end, it never ended. The other day I found out he has his affair partner set up in an apartment right outside the gate from where we are stationed, like the next town outside of the military post.
We had already left the first time but he kept pleading it would be different. It never changed. Never. The same girl since 2022, but this time it seems she has become a permanent resident, and no longer one who visits or whom he visits overseas.
Please don’t scold me for staying. There are so many reasons why I need to stay, when everyday I wish I could just run away from here with the kids. Please someone give me light in this darkness that is my life. Please give me hope. I had always talked to my parents or grandparents for these issues, but I cannot this time around. I can’t say a word. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me there is light at the end of this. Pleas give me something to hold on to.
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You’re not losing hope. You’re accepting that he won’t change. Some people do stay with a cheater and things work out, but a history of chronic lies and disrespecting you means that you know it’s time to end it.
Don’t give in to his love bombing. He only wants you to stay for either convenience, financial reasons, or sheer arrogance, because he knows he can control you. Time to control your own life.
Take control, make it YOUR choice.
The money is good, you WANT to stay (for now).
The house is good, you WANT to stay (for now).
The situation work for YOU for now (I.e. for kids stability, etc).
No need to make a fast move, you control the cards now. Take your time. Find a good life coach, maybe even therapist. Change if it’s not the right match.
Take your time. Feel free to put a boundary on no sex/ no STDs. Get fully tested every 3 months.
The only light that will appear is after you leave him. The longer you stay, the darker it gets.
It doesn’t get any better and he clearly will never change. He does not care that you know he is cheating. He will never stop. He is in a full blown relationship with another woman. If he’s the enlisted one, report him.
You don’t have family to go to?
He’s never going to stop, and your kids are learning that his behavior and treatment of you are okay.
First of all, you will have to grow a backbone and start dealing with the reality of your situation. We’d all like for life to be easy and for things to go the way we want them to go, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen that way. This is one of those times. Your husband is not going to suddenly see the light and dump his affair partner. She is here to stay.
The first thing you should do is consult a divorce attorney and find out what your rights are. The attorney will explain the divorce process, what steps you need to take, what kind of property settlement you could get, what your custody arrangements are likely to be, how much child support he will have to pay, etc.
Find out what steps you need to take to start the divorce process. Follow your attorney’s instructions to the letter. Do not back down if your husband starts crying and begging you to stay. Do not believe any promises he makes.
You’ll feel a lot better about yourself and your life situation when you take control instead of just sitting there helpless, letting him violate your trust again and again. Little by little, you will start to gain confidence in your ability to take action on your own behalf. You will feel better about yourself as you continue to take action in your own best interest, gradually moving yourself into a life situation where you can be happy without this lying cheater in your life.
It’s hard, but you can do this. Look online for divorce support groups. Find other women who have gone through what you’re going through and successfully come out the other side.
You’ve still got your children. That’s the most important thing. You still have love in your life. You are still connected to others. You’ve got a future worth looking forward to. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll get there.
Don’t feel bad about staying with him. You have the kids together. It is so much harder to leave when kids are involved. I haven’t been in your place but went through this with my sister and I truly understand. I’m not sure what your situation is with not being able to talk to your parents and grandparents this time around but I can tell you that when my sister (whom I always assumed was happily married) finally opened up to me, it helped her to realize that her close family and friends already knew that something was not quite right. There was relief that she was finally coming to us. With our support she was able to finally leave him. I wish I could help you more than simply commenting on your post as one stranger to another. My simple advice is to keep what you know to yourself. Disengage from your husband. Go see a lawyer and figure out where you stand. You don’t deserve this. And neither do your children.
The military will make him pay you child support. If he’s threatened you in any way, contact a domestic violence agency off base.
I’m sorry. Sometimes there is light at the end but I can’t see that here. You need to get a lawyer and find out how much of his pension you’ll get. I’m sure there are lawyers who specialize in military divorces.
You need to accept. He won’t change and it won’t get better. I have been in that situation before. We are no longer together. Once a cheater always a cheater.
At age 62 I can tell you the ugly brutal truth that MOST women end up abandoned and alone when they are old. So plan ahead for that.
OR, at your age, you are young enough to start a second family with a GOOD man, if at all you can find one. I would opt for the second.
It’s not healthy to want what you can’t have or to want someone who doesn’t want you, but is staying in the marriage for the children.
You are already abandoned in a sense. I’m sorry honey.
Why are you begging for strangers to fix your life? Only YOU can do this. Think of your kids and what you’re modeling for them? Do you want this for your children? Please get help and get out. That is the ONLY answer.
Check out Chump Lady’s blog and book…’Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.’ She seriously has the answer for you.
Report him.
You turn it around to where it works for you. Start doing things that make you happy!!! Leave him to watch the kids. Be busy. Start pocketing money aside, and manipulate him like he’s manipulating you.
Do you feel safe?
Military spouses who divorce can get—-, IF and only if they are married 20 years overlapping 20 years with service member’s time in—- up to half of the service members pension plus Lifetime health care benefits!
Look up former spouse protection act, the USFSPA.
The other catch is, you have to have a GREAT divorce lawyer who prepares the case as airtight. They are hard to find and this law is super complicated, with special filings and responses that have to be done at specific times in specific ways. And of course DFAS hates it and hates you for trying to get what you are owed under the law.
Someone very close to me stayed with her cheating husband for several years after discovering it, for this reason. If she left at year 17 she got nothing. If she left at year 20 she had a lifetime pension she could use to survive; having moved 15 times in 17 years there was no way she had any career possibilities. It was her only viable option so she gritted her teeth and stuck it out.
This is very hard, though; she used to call me crying and crying. It took a real toll on her. Also se had to hide all these emotions from everyone—friends, kids, especially HIM.
Good luck, OP. Please learn about the law.
PS to my post about the USFSPA : very few, really almost NO regular family lawyers are able to do a successful USFPA case. You have to find one who can and not botch it. My friend had to switch lawyers midstream. Make SURE they have actually done some successful military 20-20-20 cases as they are called, and make sure they get every detail right including an award of SBP (Survivor benefit protection when he dies). This can make or break your survival.
Im sorry but I stopped reading after Military and overseas. Hes going to keep cheating if hes far from you. A lot of those guys get married for social and military benefits. I have stayed with a cheater and it he didnt change. Ive also left one because of it and he still tries to get me back.
Im not gonna tell you what to do but hes not gonna be with you exclusively. The cheater I stayed with told me men cheat out of insecurity so if I was you, id take heed. If he gets help in order to be a better man, thats great but if not, dont expect anything different than what youve been getting. Also I hear if someon is in the military and they cheat, its damn near a crime, so google your options and get your proof. Also men are killing women so dont announce your findings, keep it close to the chest and only share with trusted family and friends
The military structure works to your advantage in this case. Go to his Ombudsman and commanding officer and secure yourself the protection housing and funds you need for you and the kids. He will be charged with adultery. But that’s fine. He’s been torturing you for 3 years and almost tortured your life away too. This is justice. You will get your support. UCMJ is ironclad. You can also get free legal counsel if you contact the Jags first. Once UCMJ is done with him, you can run him through the civil court system too if you feel like. It’s one of the few situations where you can be penalized twice for the same charge.
I stayed in my marriage longer than I wanted to for similar reasons. My kids were very young and, as someone who grew up in a divorced family, I didn’t want that for my kids. I was also a SAHM and economically dependent on him, with no family nearby to help me care for my kids. My youngest was one when our marriage broke; and my original goal was to stay until my youngest turned eighteen. I didn’t make it that long, as my marriage became progressively more miserable. We divorced when my youngest was five.
You have choices. You are not a victim–even though your husband is an asshole and has cheated on you. Because you have choices, and choices give you power.
One choice is that you can close your heart to this man but stay living in that house to raise your children until they get a bit older. You can let this man continue to feed and house you while you figure out what to do next. You could start taking classes to gain job skills; or you could start applying for jobs. Because you need money. Money is how you gain your independence and freedom from this man. You could start working part-time and saving a bit of money.
Another choice–if you have a place to go– is you can just leave. If you can go to family, go there. If you have money saved, get a place away from this man.
I know this is hard. I can’t lie: it’s going to be hard. Life as a single mom is tough. (I have been there and done that.) Leaving is very, very scary. Rebuilding your life and transitioning back into the work force while you have young children is hard. But it can be done. I did it. You can do it, too.
And on the other side is a measure of peace and freedom. You will be in control of your own life. Don’t let your spark go out. You have done nothing wrong: He has. He doesn’t have the right to take your sparkle away. He is trash. You can kick him to the fucking curb, where trash belongs. You could have a whole new life with someone else–someone who loves and respects you in a way that this lying, cheating piece of shit never will.
But, that’s in the future. Right now, focus on getting yourself and your kids to a stable place. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Be strong, momma. If you are still kind of in love with him, you gotta kick that bad habit. This man does not love you. He is hurting you. Close that door in your heart and find a way forward without him.
In my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater.
There may be men out there who cheat and reform, but I don’t think there are many.
My first husband cheated on his first wife (not with me) and he later accused me of cheating while he was doing it with one of my closer friends.
My advice to anyone that is with someone who cheats: dump them like a hot rock as soon as you possibly can.
Don’t allow your emotions to he stronger than your self respect. You have enough time to start over.
Leave his sorry ass and take everything. He’s not going to change but you can. Show your children the AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, STRONG woman that you are and teach them to respect you and other mothers. It will be tough but you got this. You deserve to be treated better, so demand that respect! You can do anything I believe in you!
OP, people do not change. He’s more or less moved on with his life and he’s left you behind. There’s nothing at all you can do about it.
The light’s probably after leaving. Not that I’m against marriage counseling in the interim, but that’s a very hard thing to get past. I tried for 7 years and never did, anyway.
I don’t know the military or the consequences of reporting him, but as long as that wouldn’t interfere with his future income, which he’ll need to pay child support, and that you’ll probably need to help take care of your kids, seems reasonable.
Assert your own power sister. Document, speak to an attorney, and tell Mr. Cake and Eat It Too you’re not his live in doormat any more.
I understand the military aspect and no $$ to speak of but You have the kids.
TALK to your elders, they love you and want you to be happy.
Leave him, take the kids and Miss Affair will then make demands on him he doesn’t want.
He will never appreciate nor miss you and his kids unless you stand up, with all your dignity, take the kids and let him stew.
I, myself, stayed in a really bad situation for years, so no judgment at all. When kids are involved, and finances, it’s not cut and dry. I wanted nothing more than for my husband to be the person I thought he was. Mind you, this was in 2015 when I discovered some shocking things.
I look back and feel so sad for my kids and myself that I continued to take him back and let him hurt and disappoint us. This continued really until two years ago. We married and divorced twice in that time (pathetic I know). Now that I have healed, though, I can look back and see it for what it was. It’s this simple, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
If you can’t leave him right now due to finances/kids, it’s understandable. But make any and all plans to do it as soon as you can, which may mean secretly saving money, or playing the long game and going back to school to ultimately secure a better job to sustain you and the kids, etc. It will be hard, but it will be okay and one day you will be healed too and glad you did it. If you stay, though, you’ll always feel shorted a true companion you deserve.
He’s military? You know that’s illegal in the military. Talk to his chain of command.
Can’t he be held responsible for this and punished by his higher-ups? I don’t blame you for staying, of course. I’ve stayed. But now is the time to carefully plan your exit.
Notify his command.
He’s a POS – he’s not only cheating on you, he’s cheating on the entire family. He’s destroying your potential by wasting finances to support another woman. He’s decided to make your growth stagnant to meet his selfish needs.
Find a lawyer and be ruthless.
Im am so sorry you are going through this, no judgement.
My dad was a cheater and in the military. My mother told me this when I was 8 or 9 and that is a story for another day. She stayed with him for the money and she says it to his face. It has turned her into a bitter sneaky woman. When he walks the dog she literally watches him from the window. I can’t text him without her butting in on his phone. She was most likely mentally ill before this but I don’t think it helped she is now a bitter woman. She never really worked so is reliant on him and his now 2 pensions.
Saying all that the things I see she could have done differently if she was hellbent on getting her due from his pension which I have to say she earned. She could have stayed with him until he had his 20 years but disengage from him. Know that he was not going to change and except it building up her life while waiting by going back to school and finding career for when she could have left.
This is just one path you could take. Personally I think it’s the best one. You say you have been married for 12 years, in the 8 years that you need to wait for that pension you can get a Bachelor Degree in that time and honestly a masters if you push. Don’t give your power away. Chip at it if you move a lot. A lot of colleges are online SNHU is one. Idk if military spouses can get financial aide but if they can’t you can at least get financial aide and put the rest on a joint credit card so he will be responsible for half if you do decide to leave. Start worrying about yourself, your appearance, health and your education. Do not let him know this is your plan. My sister signed away her rights to her husband’s social security benefits by signing divorce papers 6 months before the required 10 years of marriage because she opened her big mouth and he spited her. He was a cheater as well.
Your husband obviously doesn’t plan to leave you and she is insane for uprooting her life to live near you so let her have her crumbs while you level up yourself and then leave him or not but at least you will have power. Use protection if you still have sex with him. Again do not tell him your plan. Get excited about back to school and hype it up. If he sees you are happy and distracted from what is going on he will most likely be happy that the pressure on him will be off. Don’t nag, don’t judge, pretend you don’t even know that this affair is going on. I realize this will take time to be this detached. Take up meditation to help you have a clear mind.
Or you could report him leave him and fight. It will be just as awful but you have it that much harder to go back to work while you level up. Being a single mom working full time and school is doable but why make it harder on yourself. Plus now you have an ex you have to deal with on top of it and they tend to get nasty once you’re not married anymore.
Someone mentioned trying to get another husband but let me tell you the dating scene is dismal! Plus dating with kids is very difficult. You can gamble on finding someone or you can gamble on making a new life for yourself after you graduate and get a good job. Then you can decide what to do.
People spend more time in prisons in Russia with no heat, warm clothes and limited food than the 8 years you need in order to get the pension. Keep your eye on the ball.
Just food for thought. I wish you the best life possible!!
There is no light. His cheating is a permanent thing, and you MUST be aware of that by now. I can’t imagine a scenario where you can’t leave unless you feel threatened in some way. Leaving is in the best interest of both you and your children as they’ll have a happy and healthy mother instead of the example ur setting for them now.