After 11 years of DV when I had my “omg it’s finally over” moment I decided to do some crafts (a passion of mine that I’ve been restricted to do for a long time) and have a glass of wine, my social worker’s response was weird (she curled her lip like Elvis) I’m not a heavy drinker or anything it’s a very occasional thing for me which she knows, and my dependant is in her teens, literally just a glass of wine whilst doing a bit of craft gone 9pm because I felt like I deserved a treat, maybe she thought I shouldn’t be landmarking the day?? I just have a feeling it’s going to come back to bite me on the arse, maybe it’s a subconscious thing? Maybe I’m manifesting her weird response because I feel deep down I should have tried harder to make it work?? Or is that the co-dependance rearing its ugly head? But it got me to thinking, how other people commemorated/celebrated their first night alone?
Former DV victims when you had that “it’s finally over” moment what did you do on your first night alone?
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I didn’t celebrate as I didn’t feel "free" for ages, even when my abuser left the country. I never knew if she could just turn up again, especially as I was young. I felt what became general anxiety for years and it took therapy for me to regain a semblance of feeling myself again. However, I know every DV situation is different, so I would say do anything that makes you feel good to be honest! As long as you’re not hurting yourself or someone else, go for it.
I’m so glad your ordeal is over and you;re getting back to you again. You do deserve a treat, so don’t let the social worker being judgy bring you down. You will get all kinds of weird feelings, like trying to blame yourself, but just know that you have done the right thing leaving!
I moved countries to get away, and was probably on a plane the first night. Mostly, what I did when I was safe and felt free again, was sleep, but it was good sleep.
I ended up sleeping most of that summer. I left him in the May and don’t think I was conscious much until the August.
When my nerves finally stopped vibrating (which actually took a few weeks) I slept. Flat out, deep, earthquakes wouldn’t wake me sleep for nearly 12 hours.
I don’t think I realised until then how little sleep I’d been getting while with him and I’d forgotten what it felt like to be safe while I was asleep.
Who the hell is your social worker to be judging you for doing what you want to do?
They can get fucked. Censorious puritans begone.
I barricaded myself into my house with all the heavy things that I could find, and slept in the single bed as the big bed felt weird.
I had planned my exit because I was frightened of his reaction. And the first night? I had a bath without being supervised, I ate what I wanted to eat rather than what he decided was low calory enough for me. I watched what I wanted on tv, I left my clothes on the floor and I tried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep because my brain kept telling me he would be back and I would be in trouble for what I had done, so I got up, picked up my clothes and watched disney movies all night.
Unfortunately sometimes our bodies think it’s over but our brain lags behind. But you will get there, step by tiny step!
My first thought is she’s jealous of you feeling free. Because a lot of people would love that. Maybe she feels trapped and your happiness made her upset. Anywho. Live your success. I’m sure you allowed yourself to live your failures. Be fair.
I don’t even remember because that whole three weeks ish that followed it is a blur where I was still being threatened, pleaded with, and hiding on the sofa whilst he made veiled threats about how that wouldn’t protect me if he decided he wanted to do something.
I know I spoke to the person who helped me be brave enough to escape, I know I cried in relief. I know I felt some hope for the future.
I actually didn’t even realise until now that I basically have no memory of Halloween until near the end of November because I was such a mix of terrified and relieved.
I didn’t do anything, I just enjoyed feeling safe for the first time in years and got a good nights sleep without being woken up by being kicked
When I finally escaped I went out to see live music and have a few drinks with a friend. We played pool (badly). That’s how I celebrated. I "wasn’t allowed" to drink before.
Locked my door and jumped everytime there was a noise.
A social worker that judges? I think she’s in the wrong profession.
Have a glass of wine. You deserve that and so much more.
My it’s finally over moment didn’t occur for a long time after (years), by the time it did I was married and had had our child, moved house. Unfortunately my ex had done that much between the point of being arrested for dv, convicted of it, being arrested for harassment and served a harassment notice that it was hard to get out of the mindset of “what next”.
Fuck that SW.
I ordered everything from the take away I liked that we never ordered from because we always had to order from the one they liked best (not that it happened often but whenever it did I didn’t get a choice). I watched the kind of show I loved to watch and never got chance to because always had to watch what they liked. And I too had a glass of wine (well 3 if I’m honest, I polished off the bottle lol)
It was bliss!
I was heavily pregnant so couldn’t do anything to numb the pain, I had to move back home to mum and dads so probably just cried and did their head in on the first night 😆
https://refuge.org.uk
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
I ordered uber eats and played animal crossing.
You are waiting for the other shoe to drop babe. It’s an ingrained survival response learned over years and will take a while to dig out.
It ain’t going to drop though, you tossed that shoe to the curb. Enjoy your wine. Make a list of all the things you can do now it’s gone.
Now, I don’t say this to rain on your parade because you have taken a massive step. However, you should know that on average victims of DV take seven attempts to leave their abuser. It is a dangerous time for you so be careful. They may also try to love bomb the shit out of you now they’ve realised you are serious. Promise you every change you have been begging for for years.
Enjoy this peace you’ve earned it, but also educate yourself on cycles of abuse, DV, and your own emotional and physical vulnerabilities. Access the help available like your future depends on it. If your ex just accepts your decision and fucks off, you will be in the minority, so arm yourself babe.
And be proud, you can’t turn back the clock on what your kid saw and experienced, but you can show them how to leave harmful relationships and how to thrive afterwards.
I wouldn’t have battered an eye lid if you’d have said you were, “gonna get smashed outta ma face tonight!”. You deserve to celebrate!
Abuse survivor, not DV. I didn’t sleep for three days straight! From excitement and relief and nerves, not fear. My whole life had changed.
Most of the night I stayed on the phone to the only person who knew what I was going through – a boy!!!! He’d accidentally gotten my number, and since he was in a totally different city I’d told him everything, and deleted any texts or call logs after, but he helped me end it. I played video games and laughed and cried and listened to music that first night.
The next day I did so many things I hadn’t been allowed to do. I put on leggings, and a t-shirt that didn’t cover my arms, and I went for a walk, on my own, more than five minutes away from my home. I looked in the eye of every person I passed and smiled at them ♥️
First time I was young, like 21, it only went on for about 6 months, I think I had friends over and had plenty of drinks. Second one I was sectioned in hospital when it ended (thankfully, and with a 1 to 1 to talk to!) and then I moved back home with my parents after they let me out, but my first night alone in my new place once I got on my feet again was fantastic. I very much approve of the wine.
I remember putting my one year old to bed and I sat on my kitchen floor, I only had a cot and a bed for me at this point. I also had a glass of wine, and just cried, with happiness mostly. I felt free, I was thankful I found the strength to give my daughter a better life. I was on edge for months, possibly even a year afterwards. He also found me and had to move again! It’s weird I still get panicky and scared when his name pops up. I don’t think that ever leaves.
My ex wife wouldn’t allow me to do anything.. the second I ended it I remember I specifically went out, bought an eyeliner pencil, powder, and some lipstick. Then I went and bought some hair straighteners. Then I went and bought a shit load of wine and cider.
Then I came home, actually did my hair and make up for the first time in about 5 years. Then I put my music on that I wanted, drank my alcohol (which i hadn’t drank in 5 years), and got very drunk. It felt amazing.
I think I went out for a drink too maybe. I definitely made up for lost time, I know that. Ps if this social worker judged you for having a glass of wine they are an idiot
All these answers are breaking my heart. I can’t imagine not being allowed to do such simple things that bring us joy, things the rest of us take for granted.
Well done to each & every one of you for your courage in getting out. And I wish you all a lifetime of happiness & peace.
My first night alone was where I’d run to so I stayed awake scared of every noise. Lived in stealth mode for years even though it was over. I guess my first truly alone and also safe night involved rearranging kitchen, moving stereo equipment and LPs in there to dance to northern soul. He hated northern
I never had a ‘it’s finally over’ moment as I was pregnant when I managed to flee him. There was no escaping him. Then I was let down by the family court system who enabled my abuser and 6 years later I’ve never been able to breathe freely as he still is able to make my life miserable due to the connections as we have a child.
I told the important people.
I didn’t answer the phone to them and I didn’t answer their messages.
I did all my routine without having to take photos for them to prove what I was doing (nipping the shop, running a bath, watching TV)
Fell asleep smiling.
I think I drank half a bottle of vodka, so you’re doing way better than I did. Having a glass of wine after 9pm is fine, only a strange puritan would judge you for that.
Glad you got out.
I redecorated the master bedroom. I painted it Barbie pink and got new sheets and moved the furniture around. It took a couple months to save for a new bed but I did that too as soon as I could.
It’s been nearly 15 years and I hope I get that first night alone one day before I end up 6 ft under 🙁 I hope you can start again now the way you want too
I bought a playstation and tv and played the fuck out of it all night. I had a blast. I would never of been allowed to buy something for myself, let alone spend some time doing something i enjoyed. Grown ass man and i cried like a 6 year old when i unboxed that playstation.
Fuck your social worker. Learn to not give a shit what people think and learn to put yourself first. Its time to build yourself back up and be happy.
Gosh I pray that I’ll experience this feeling one day; that feeling of safety, of being able to let my guard down finally
I slept like a baby with my bedroom window open (he went to prison for 6 months) I could never leave a window even cracked as he climbed drain pipes,got ladders and literally scaled walls to brake in upstairs,he once got in through my bedroom window and I woke up to being physically beaten at 4:30am.
P.s I wouldn’t take a second more on the sw mouth movement,it could be something and nothing as your prob used to having to read micro body language to keep yourself safe !!
Well done,enjoy.
I cried and I cried. I cried so much I was sick.
Feel free to tell me to stfu because what do I know but mayyyybbee you’ve spent so long tiptoeing around judgement that some of it internalised?
That chain of questions in the last part of your post to me, sounded like someone second guessing themselves, giving credence to someone’s judgement and asking for a bit of validation like ‘it’s fine, right?’ It may take a while for you to 100% trust yourself and your convictions. but congratulations, this is going to be a beautiful journey. Look after yourself 🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕
The question is at what point does it come to life? Like can I keep working on it indefinitely? Also how specific? Could I badly draw a replicator from star trek and have it work? Could I draw the TARDIS from doctor who and a key, maybe a book with the words "TARDIS manual"?
I wasn’t alone for a while. Lovely friends stepped in so I watched a lot of TV with one, did some sewing with another. My ex-husband (not the abuser) took me and kiddo to the cinema, and so on. I think the first truly alone night was the one where I took too many sleeping pills by mistake and slept for 19hrs. Oops.