I (32m) have always had a close relationship with my parents. 2 months ago I had a final blowout with my mother. She’s always been abrasive and backhanded and recently crossed a line with my wife. Over the last few years I started to see the controlling a manipulative ways my mother goes about everything. After our fight I told her I’m done with her and she’s no longer welcome in my life. My entire family lives 1000+ miles away from me and a few weeks after our fight my dad calls me and tells me my mother is sick from actions in her past that finally caught up with her. Now I’m stuck. I don’t know how to feel and don’t know what to do. Everyone calls me and plays it down as if it’s not as big a deal as it is. My father’s entire life is being ripped apart and he’s mad because I’m mad at my mother but he also wasn’t giving me the full information on my mother. I only recently found out how bad it actually is and that she’s dying. I don’t know what to do. 1. I’m mad at her and don’t forgive her for her actions. 2. I don’t wish death upon her and obviously I’ll always have a love for her because she’s my mother. I just don’t know what to feel or what to do.
Fought with a parent THEN found out they were dying
r/Advice
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I’m gonna say this as someone who has lost 2 parents in childhood and the grandparent raising me on top of it.. get over yourself and get over whatever she did and just forgive her. Spend time with her before she dies because I promise, in a year or two of five you’re not gonna care what she did and you will only be focused on trying to remember her hug, her smell, the details of her face, and all the little things about her that’ll begin to slip away. Call your mom, talk it out, and bond with her as much as you can before she dies. People tend to regret the things we didn’t do more than the ones we did. Don’t regret this thing. I had heroin addicts for parents and I spent a loooong time being so resentful that I lost out on any ability to make good memories for myself while I had the chance and that’s eaten at me everyday for the last 10 years since my own father died. You’ll never regret loving someone just a little harder.
I cut off my mother 10 years ago. She caused severe damage to my mental health up to the point my brain chemistry altered (it’s called cPTSD). If I knew today she was dying, it wouldn’t change a thing for me.
BUT: I don’t think you are on this point. You have a lot of struggles with your relationship to your mother and I believe this might be a very tough situation.If in some years you realize that she wasn’t a good person and you did right to protect yourself and your wife, nothing would be lost. But if in some years you realize you would have been better solving your problems, it will be too late. If there is only a very little possibility you will regret not going home, you should go.
I think in your situation, I would go home and try to talk with her to clear things up and even tell her you love her, if that’s the case. Not only for her own peace but for yours.
Nobody is promised tomorrow
It’s ok to have many totally contradictory feelings about someone, especially a parent!
Kudos to you for sticking up for your wife! And for holding your mother accountable for her actions!
So: sit with these feelings for a little bit. While we all know our parents are going to die, it’s easy to assume it’s in the far distant future and a shock when we find out that time is much closer than we want.
At this point, you might still be in shock. Give yourself a little time and grace to adjust to this news. Ask your father a few follow up questions. Try to gauge the extent and severity of her condition. Share what you learn with your wife. Get her perspective too.
And then plot a way forward.
Good luck!
Are you implying that if you had known she was dying at the time of your fight that you’d not have cut her out of your life?
My husband cut contact with his mom because of the way she treated me… it didn’t last too long because she also was diagnosed with a tumor and didn’t detail how serious it was. He felt bad and has had contact with her. Later he found out it wasn’t cancerous, if it was she would have had a 5-10% survival rate . He still wants contact now, but I haven’t. I think the whole thing was just a way to manipulate herself back into his life.
I think that, for your own sake, you should make space to see and listen to your mother. I doubt that you will find answers as to why she was the way she was, but you won’t get stuck wondering if you should have seen her in the end.
But do it for yourself and maybe to ease your father’s burden, not because you owe it to her in anyway.
Go talk to her. You don’t have to concede any of your boundaries or feelings by any means, but new information is fine to change the full cut off. You don’t need to even make amends, but nothing will change with full contact cutoff. As her child, you shouldn’t have to be the bigger person, but I argue that shouldn’t stop you from still trying to be. Even if it’s just for your own sake of closure, communication will satiate you.
I cut my mother off 16 years ago
horrible, manipulative, bordering evil, feels entitled
don’t feel bad
do what is right for you
You dont have to forgive her to go say goodbye and tell her you love her. When she’s gone she’s gone and you might regret not saying goodbye or telling her you love her. However, if you continue to choose to stay away, you might regret it (you might not!) and you can’t change that. You’re 1000s of miles away and can limit the interactions. Your wife doesn’t have to go either. That’s how I think of it. Don’t let her behaviours leave you with regrets.
So, given the amount of time you have left on earth, I’d counsel you bury the hatchet with mom and send her off knowing that despite everything she’s done, you care about the remaining relatives you have and want them to be happy. Once she passes you’re off the hook with her and the others abs can live the life you want.
Naw, she made her bed. The illness is not an excuse for past and present mistreatment.
See how you can help your dad.
I don’t think you are stuck. You drew a boundary with a parent. Them being sick does not change that for you automatically. Right now it sounds like you don’t even know how/if they are sick or if this is a power play. If that parent desires to reconcile, unless they are incapacitated, they should be the one reaching out. You can also choose to have a warm relationship with your father but have talking about your mother be a boundary that if crossed you’ll have to politely but firmly wrap up the conversation.
I’ve been no contact with my mother for seven years now and I honestly don’t know if I could say what I would do if I found out she was dying.
As much as I really truly don’t believe It can be fixed, I’d rather go the rest of my life, knowing I tried one final time, than regret not trying, and losing the chance altogether. Maybe that’s selfish.
I’d say for your sake more than anyone else try to make peace with her even if you don’t agree with what she did. This way you’ll be at peace yourself.
You have a “close relationship ” with your parents, then tear apart your mom….which is it? Im confused.
The silver(ish) lining here is that you know it’s coming so you have the opportunity to determine what is best for you. I would probably recommend seeing her or writing her a letter to get off your chest what you need to say to her because you won’t get the chance again. As to whether you want to entertain anything she might say, I’d sit with it and think it through. You know her best so if you think she’d make excuses, not own up to her shit, or give you a hollow apology, then it may not be worth it only then to have her life end with you holding onto (now fresh) anger. Say your piece and walk away.
Then tell your dad that you put a lot of thought into your decision and he needs to respect your wishes. You will be there for him through this and you love him.
I think you’ll regret if you don’t try to rekindle the relationship a little bit. Spend some time with your mother, be gentle with her and yourself, and give your dad the support he needs. When the time is right, you can begin to unpick your feelings about this whole thing. I think your actions have been justified, by the way, and you were right to stick up for your wife.
I have two thoughts for you:
How will you feel if you maintain no contact? Are you comfortable with your last interaction being your final interaction? If you are NOT, arrange to speak with her (in person, phone, video call, whatever). It is easier to be gracious when you know you won’t be forced to do it forever.
Is it possible that her behavior toward you could have been influenced by her illness? Personality changes are often an early sign of things like brain cancer. I’m not making excuses, but in my own life I find it easier to forgive or at least move on if I can attribute something awful to “oh it was the illness speaking” as opposed to having to accept my relative simple isn’t a nice person.
I also want to say: Any choice you make that feels right for you will be OK. The only wrong answer is the one that causes you more pain.
Given what info you have shared, in this instance I would go see her and try to have a conversation. Sometimes staring death in the face can humble you. If she doesn’t or hasn’t changed then you should keep ignoring her.
Just listen to your heart. If calling her to say a last goodbye would make you feel better in the long run, or give you closure, call her. Don’t apologize for anything. I’d hate for you to miss it, though, if she were to acknowledge her own hurtful behaviors and apologize for them.