Not sure where else to post this but hoping for advice. Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I recently found out a new friend is a registered sex offender. This is someone I met through a meetup group and he is friends with me and several other (women) in the group. Honestly he seems like the nicest guy we all think he’s great so I was absolutely shocked to find this out. I also know of a couple women interested in dating him. Which is how I found this out because I was trying to look up his social media for one of them.
From what available public case records I could find it looks like he was found in possession of child pornography tier 1, on probation for a few years, and only on the list for 10 years. I have no real legal understanding but this seems like a lighter sentence? So I figured maybe it was a shitty situation where a girl says she’s 18 and isn’t. It happens and while it’s still gross that’s obviously more forgivable than actual child pornography.
So anyways now that I’ve found this out I have no idea what to do. I kind of wish I never found out. He doesn’t know I know and as far as I know our mutual friends don’t know either. Should I try to talk to him about it? I don’t want to put him in the spot as I imagine it’s an uncomfortable topic but also if it’s not as small of an issue as I am assuming well I’m not sure I’d want to be around that type of person. Or do I just keep my distance at meetups and not get involved—he can tell people if he wants?
Comments
This sounds like he was caught with n*des of a minor. This happened to a couple of kids in my area that were receiving and sharing pics of girls, even though everyone involved was a minor.
This is a tough situation to be in. It’s certainly concerning and I would personally tell my friends that were interested in dating him to at least look up his record so they can decide for themselves.
Not sure strangers on Reddit can help you with this.
If you don’t want to associate with a sex offender, then don’t.
If you are OK with it, then you do you.
Hmm I would try to find out what that classification is first on my own if I could. Maybe r/legaladvice could advise you what it means.
That’s kind of a personal call. I dont want to chastise criminals who did their time…..but the child pr0n thing is kind of something I couldn’t get past regardless of the ‘tier’ etc. If its something you can get past then probably just mention you are aware of it but wait for him to go into fuller detail about it I guess (not just to you though, but the entire group as well). If you’re not comfortable then I would definitely keep my distance.
Sex offenders aren’t always creepy old men with overgrown beards. They can be charming. They often are.
I personally wouldn’t hang out with this guy and knowing what he did would really put me off but eh. If he serves time, he’s served time 🤷🏻♂️ Doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with him though. You can keep a distance if it’s always at the back of your mind when you’re around him.
Not a chance in hell that I’d continue a friendship with anyone after hearing that news. No way. You’re going to be judged by association if that gets out, so it makes sense to drop this new friend like a bad habit.
Why would you not want to have found that info out! Because I would like to know that type of info if I were to be dating or befriending someone.
Catapult. The Sun. It’s the only option.
Cut him off or you’re a wicked person it’s that simple we don’t support child abusers around here.
You’re going to have to ask him or someone close to him. If you don’t get a straight answer on what happened see if it’s public record.
I would say just talk to him and let him know hey my friend really likes you and asked me to look into you. I did look into you online and found out something’s. While I’m not judging you, I would like to know more information based on what I found.
And whatever he tells you just take it with a grain of salt. Don’t blow up in his face about it. You can then tell your friend to look him up themselves or rather she goes to him herself and tries to get to know him and leave the past in the past
You sound like you do not have a lot of options in life. That you actually have to consider whether or not to keep socializing with a convicted sex offender is crazy. What’s wrong with you? Cut off all contact with this guy and make a new goal for yourself: getting to know as many people as possible that are not sex offenders. Get back us in the new year and let us know how things went. There are lots of people who are not sex offenders. Things will work out.
Seriously always remember that every single offender will tell you something along the lines of “she said she was 18” and only say that, to their grave. Every single one of them.
That friendship isn’t worth anything, idk why this is a dilemma
Yeahhh that’s a really tough spot. I’d honestly just take a step back from him and let others do their own digging. You’re not the morality police, but you do get to choose who you’re cool hanging out with. Doesn’t need to be a big dramatic convo, just quietly create some distance.
If he’s a psychopath he’ll lie about the charges to minimize them. Most criminals aren’t honest about their crimes.
Possession of child pornography is likely not a…. he was 17 and she was 15 when they dated situation nor is it a he got drunk and urinated in public nearby a park situation.
It is a child pornography situation.
Do you really need more details?
you being so torn about this tells me everything i need to know about you🤨
How old is the guy? Do the math to calculate whether or not he was also a teenager at the time of the incident. Dig deeper for public court records.
“So, when googling you I found out that you are a registered sex offender. What’s up with that?” and take it from there.
Tell him you know and ask him to show you his paperwork
there’s far less registered offenders than non registered sex offenders. you meet a guy who is ACTUALLY registered and just think maybe he’s fine like??😭
Personality is one thing, psychology is another. We read stories of people who are shocked and surprised about those who were thought to be the nicest people found to be guilty of crimes. Depends if you think people can change their sexual drives and desires. What attracts him may never change. What makes you think that talking to him will yield anything positive? I think if he responds he will paint himself in best possible light. You could tip someone off it you feel situation warrants it. There is a reason why registries exist.
Was in similar situation. I walked away from the person after someone he knew told me oh you know so and so is a pedophile. I don’t hang with either of them because of the birds of a feather saying.
I think all you need to realize here is that he doesn’t want you to know he’s an offender. On top of that he’s counting on you and others to overlook it. Prime predatory behaviors, you shouldn’t even think about this anymore and gtfo. Tell your closest friends and don’t be friends with creeps, even if their creepiness is still hidden behind a mask.
Probation – it sounds like the case was more circumstantial than intentional. In other words, he got caught accessing something he shouldn’t have – although that wasn’t his intent and there was enough grey area to keep him out of prison.
This isn’t an easy one – and without knowing the specific facts, it’s hard to say if this person should be thrown into a woodchipper or not. I take a very dim view on people who engage in such acts too.
It’s worth having the conversation to clear the air. We’re human, no one is perfect and people make mistakes. In many cases there’s underlying trauma from past abuse that send these people down those paths. Most learn from it, put it behind them and move on – and in many cases, especially if they completed whatever program / therapy / counselling ordered by the court, they’re usually worthy of a second chance. A close family member went down the same path as a teenager and has been doing well since.
But anyone dating him should definitely be made aware of his background for obvious reasons (if you were able to find out with a quick internet search – so would they).
Serious question- do you or anyone else in your group have kids and are single moms that want to date him?
> So I figured maybe it was a shitty situation where a girl says she’s 18 and isn’t.
tl:dr –
No, there is no “I thought she was 18” there is only “I knew she was likely underaged but I need to get my dick wet”
Its religion and religious men
We need to stop this line of thinking…
It seems that we always place the blame and shame on the women and its time to switch that up.
“I thought she was 18”
is code talk for
“I like ’em young and when I get caught I’ll blame her for saying she’s old enough even though I knew to my core, she is a child. Even if she is lying about her age, I am in the clear because for as long as society has existed, we men place the blame on women and thanks to clever cult like mechanisms in Abrahamic Religions, women can be deemed oversexed/undersexed/good for babies only/good for rape only/good for letting an entire town rape them so as to protect male visitors from the raging mob of men who wanted to rape them/probably scheming with the devil and dancing the night away with his hordes of ghouls/only good to marry when she is 8 and you can rape her as soon as she has her first period”
Definitely talk to him one on one and this’ll be a serious kind of “We either stay friends or I’m ruining your reputation with the rest of the group.” talk. Sure, asking how old the girl was that he checked out is definitely a question, it’s not a great one. Instead asking him questions about what made him want to look in the first place or see if he still watches porn and stuff like that. One thing I’ve found to be painfully consistent is that it’s the overly nice guys who are the absolute worst behind closed doors. So absolutely question him and make sure he understands how serious this is. Even then I’d be a little iffy about allowing him to be a friend although I do believe people can change so keep that in mind
Why is this even a question? Would you want him around minors? Would you introduce him to your children?
I am not condoning anything he may have done, but there are scenarios where the thing you mentioned is still possible. If someone told him she was 18 but was only 17 and sent him nude photos, that’s considered child pornography. It’s still wrong for someone his age to be with a teenager. I don’t know how you go about bringing the topic up with him but if there are younger members of the group or single mothers then it could be a difficult thing to keep to yourself.
Tier I Offenses
The classification of Tier I offenses, which covers acts of voyeurism, certain instances of child pornography possession (distinct from the more severe act of production), and some misdemeanors connected to public indecency or unwelcome sexual advances, is indicative of how the legal system views the relative severity of sex-related crimes.
Acts of voyeurism, for example, though invasive and disturbing, do not involve direct physical harm to the victim. Similarly, while the possession of child pornography is undeniably reprehensible, the legal system typically views the act of producing such materials – which directly involves child exploitation – as a graver crime. This is why possession, in certain cases, is classified under Tier I while production is deemed more severe.
Public indecency or unwelcome advances, though undoubtedly distressing for the victim, may not carry the same level of threat or physical harm as other more aggressive sexual offenses. Hence, they are placed in this category.
Tier II Offenses
Tier II offenses delve into more explicit acts of sexual misconduct. Trafficking and coercion are, by their very nature, forceful acts that strip victims of their agency, using them for various forms of exploitation. However, the act may not always involve direct violence, hence its categorization in Tier II.
When discussing offenses against minors, such as enticement without the use of force, the legal system recognizes the profound vulnerability of children and the lifelong psychological harm that can be inflicted even in non-violent encounters. The distribution or certain acts of production of child pornography in Tier II underscores the larger network and system that supports the exploitation of minors; those involved in spreading such materials play a part in perpetuating the harm and trauma to child victims.
Tier III Offenses
The most severe classification, Tier III offenses,are reserved for the most grievous forms of sexual crimes. Rape and violent sexual assault, by their very definition, involve a profound violation of a person’s autonomy, often paired with physical violence.
The victims of such crimes not only endure the trauma of the act itself but may also grapple with physical injuries, psychological scars, and societal stigma.
The act of producing child pornography is categorized under Tier III due to the direct, heinous exploitation of minors. It’s an act that necessitates the child’s involvement in sexual exploitation, making it one of the most severe offenses.
In essence, the tiered classification reflects a gradient of perceived severity, taking into account both the nature of the act itself and the potential harm and trauma inflicted upon the victims.
While every sex crime is undeniably damaging, the legal system uses these tiers to proportionately address and penalize the vast range of offenses that fall under the umbrella of sexual misconduct.
I read somewhere, probably on Reddit, that getting caught peeing on the side of a street makes you a sex offender.
Suspiciously similar to my situation… What is the first letter of your friend’s name? Is it a T?
Sounds like an ex friend to me.
He’s a Chomo!!!
He wouldn’t have been charged if it weren’t serious. The way you are making up hypothetical scenarios to try diminish it is gross, just because you like him.
Why don’t you talk with him about it?
One of my best friend got exactly the same charges. Me and the rest of the friend group (4 of us) blocked him and haven’t spoken to him since. We mourned him almost like he died. You can’t come back from child porn
Do you want to be associated with this creeper? Then by all means go ahead and stay friends with him. But it could screw you over if people find out that you knew about him and didn’t do anything about it
What is the downside of just breaking away and ghosting him?
What is the downside of trusting him to be nicely rehabilitated and having him as a friend, that you will be introducing to other friends and relatives?
Compare the two, and I think that you will conclude that you should back away from him as if he actually were a very sick individual, which he may well be. You don’t know. If he is, he will lie about it or at least lie a little bit.
I get it that people make mistakes and that people can be found guilty and registered as sex offenders for pretty lame offenses or for pretty dodgy evidence, and that they suffer a lot from the ostracism that comes with the “SEX OFFENDER” banner on their drivers license and the postcards mailed out to the neighborhood. But you don’t know the whole story and your relationship would be based entirely on faith and trust, which might or might not be worth anything in this situation. So, perhaps sadly, my recommendation would be to presume the worst and keep your distance. Remember the downsides! A judge did, after all, proclaim him to be a sex offender. You have no logical reason to believe that the judge (and/or jury) was wrong.
Maybe look it up from your country but Tier 1 is usually the worst kind of images.
https://hmicfrs.justiceinspectorates.gov.uk/glossary/child-sexual-abuse-image-grading/
While I’m not at all sure that the same happened with your friend here, my buddy is a registered offender as well. When he was 19, his little brother’s girlfriend sent him a naked photo of herself. She was 16. He immediately deleted the photo and told her to never do that again. She cried to her dad. Dad called the police. My buddy was arrested for possession. Ultimately, he only spent 2 nights in jail and was on probation for a year but he had to register as an offender. Thankfully we all knew the real deal and didn’t judge but it does make his life harder for something he didn’t do. Our justice system is weird.