Me(28M) and my Husband(33M) have been together for 8 years. We own a house and a mortgage together. On Thursday, my world fell apart. Lately, I’ve noticed that he has been glued to his phone, hiding it whenever I look at him. So, I decided to check it and found Snapchat. Turns out that he has been sexting multiple guys(i saw like 100 chats in the last 2 days) . These guys are all around 16 to 20 years old. I did not confront him right away, because I wanted a clean head and trying to act not to emotionally.
On Saturday morning, i got the chance to go through his phone again – so I did. This time I found Gindr downloaded. Again he was texting people under the age of 21 (In my country it is legal for a 16 year old to have sex with a 33 year old). These Grindr messages were also not just about sexting but also about making plans for a hook-up.
After reading these messages I decided to go to my Moms place. When I arrived there, I called him and told him I knew that he s been cheating. He instantly started to cry and told me how sorry he was. Saying he will never ever do smth like this again. That he never had a hookup and that these chats were for validation and “immersive” porn. He knew that he fucked up and would do anything to gain my trust back. And also that he would seek for help regarding his porn addiction.
I will never be able to trust him again. Every time he is on his phone, I’ll be paranoid. Every time he is not home, I’ll be worried. Every time he is gone for work, I’ll be suspicious. Every time I look in the mirror, I’ll wonder if I am still young enough. This is not the life I want for myself.
But there is like this tiny tiny part of me that wants to believe him, that there could be chance for him to learn from his mistake. I know this sounds bizarre but even though he hurt me so much, I still love him. I think I could forgive him for what he did, but I couldn’t forgive myself for giving him a second chance if I found out he did it again.
I’m feeling completely lost and betrayed right now. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you handle the emotional fallout, and what steps did you take to move forward?
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It depends on you . I’d not get back as the trust is broken and I donot think I’d be able to see him the same way . I will forgive him at some point . That’s because I think of highly of myself and this is no go for me !
He’s lying. Playing you. He’s not sorry, only sorry he got caught. He would’ve never known or told you
-had you not snooped. Nope. Throw the whole man away.
Easy, you get a divorce and stop being his beard.
Get an STD test and a lawyer
It’s fine to belive he can be better but not wanting to be around for that to happen. Him improving himself does not automatically mean, he gets a second chance.
This has happened, like, yesterday. You don’t need to have an answer immediately. You can take your time if that helps you to find a decision.
My only kind of similar experience didn’t have a house involved, so the stakes were a lot lower. Ultimately, I knew what I needed to do, I just needed a bit of time to accept that what I needed to do caused me pain. And to accept that what I truly wanted no longer was an option. I’m not that kind of person who can rebuild trust once it’s truly broken. I admire those who can, I just can’t. So there was no way back.
“This year, my husband had an affair, which was completely out of character for him. It escalated to a point where his mistress vandalized his car and even brought a g to our home and proceeded to sht herself in the leg. It was a terrifying ordeal and one that definitely woke him up to what he had been doing. We have a home, a mortgage, and a child, making our lives deeply intertwined. We’re both 34 and have been together since we were 18. I decided to stay, and although rebuilding trust has been incredibly challenging, I don’t regret that choice.
My husband is genuinely committed to change. He attends therapy every other week to address his personal issues, and we also go to marriage counseling together. Whenever I feel insecure or struggle with memories of the affair, he’s very supportive and validating. Currently, he allows me to access his phone anytime and has deleted some problematic social media apps. He understands that if anything similar were to happen again, I would leave. We both have active restraining orders against the other woman, making this a complex situation.
Ultimately, I believe the best approach is to follow what feels right for you and brings you peace. I wanted to share my experience because I’m glad I chose to stay. In some ways, our relationship is stronger now than it was in the years leading up to the affair. However, moving forward has been difficult for both of us—it requires time, open communication, patience, and therapy.
My best advice is to prioritize what brings you inner peace and to disregard the opinions of others, no matter what path you choose. Everyone has their own perspective, but you are the one who must live with your decisions, so do what feels right for you- what gives you the most peace. Sending love – I know this situation is so hard.
Empty his bank accounts and lock him out of everything😂😂😂😂
You go see a lawyer, draw up the papers and have him served for divorce. Then you go get checked for STD’s because I doubt it’s just texting. He’s lying and manipulating you by crying and making fake promises. Don’t fall for it.
Of course you still love him. I’m so sorry this happened.
You need to ask yourself this question: will you be able to live with yourself when this happens again? Are you willing to accept that whatever relationship you will have with him going forward, for the rest of your life, will be built on this foundation?
I would get an STD test.
Erck, love, this really sucks. Realistically, you know deep down that even if he was able to manage the porn addiction, that his biological need for sex is always going to be tempting him to do more, get more, go more hardcore etc. That’s no way for you to live.
At the very least, you need time apart. You can’t possibly make such a life altering decision while he’s in your face trying to convince you that he’s trustworthy. The likelihood is that he’ll just get better at hiding it.
Wishing you peace, OP.
He’s not sad he did it he’s just sad you found out and he’s having to face the consequences. He’s made it very clear that he doesn’t value the relationship and is just saying whatever he can to not have to deal with the consequences.
Like you said you can never trust him again and you shouldn’t think anything he’s saying now is true and you shouldn’t think he is worth your time or attention. You deserve to be with someone who you can trust and who respects you and you deserve so much better than him.
Who is it you love? The guy you thought he was last week or the guy you now know he is after finding all of this info?
Do you really think he wouldn’t have gone to hook up with one of these guys if the opportunity had been there?