Hi, I’m here because I have no idea what to do.
I’ve been with my partner (35m) for 8 years. We broke up about 4 years ago because I found out from a friend that he slept with a woman behind my back.
As soon as I found out I kicked him out – he didn’t want to leave, was begging me to take him back, said it was the worst mistake of his life etc.
He left but messaged me multiple times every single day asking for another chance. I asked him to tell me if he got with anyone else and he vehemently denied it – said his only goal was to win me back.
Eventually he signed up to a life coach, started working through his issues and after a few months we got back together.
Life is good for a while, eventually we buy our first home together in November 2024. This January I was on his phone looking for a video I sent him on Instagram and I saw a chat with a girl I didn’t recognise. I read it and there are loads of messages of him flirting with her – calling her beautiful etc.
I completely freak out, we have a huge argument, he says the same stuff – he loves me, he only wants me etc.
I would have left immediately but we have a house together and I can’t afford to leave or stay in the house alone.
He sleeps in a different room for a few weeks while I feel completely trapped and numb. He decides to get a therapist (instead of a life coach) to address the issues.
Eventually we reconcile but a big factor is I feel trapped. I know I deserve better but we own a house and i can’t afford to leave.
Then 2 days ago I was using his laptop for work… you can probably guess were this is going. I find multiple videos of him having sex with 2 different women.
I cannot express how awful it was to watch and see that. Every time I close my eyes I see the videos playing.
He says one is a ex gf from over 8 years ago, the other was when we first broke up and he was ‘in a bad place’.
I don’t believe him about either. The videos were saved in a hidden folder with other porn videos, and there are also nudes from one of the girls. During this time he was texting me every single hour, making it nearly impossible for me to move on. I would block him on Instagram and he would message on Facebook. Constantly saying that sleeping with someone else was his biggest mistake and he regretted it with every second.
Since then I have felt physically ill. I don’t trust him to tell me the truth and he says he doesn’t have the other womens contact info so I can’t even verify if it happened while we were broken up. Even if it did, it is unforgivable.
Now I’m trapped in a house with someone I hate and I have no idea what my next steps are. I had to ring in sick to work today because I am physically in pain from everything. I haven’t stopped shaking for 2 days.
The worst thing is I don’t think I will ever know the truth about what really happened. And I can’t stop picturing the visuals and sounds from the videos.
I have no idea what to do now. I feel completely lost and alone. How do I proceed?
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Why can’t you afford to sell the house or let him buy you out? I don’t understand.
There are two paths to consider, and one not to, imo.
The one not to is “plug your ears and continue as normal”. Don’t do that.
The first to consider is breaking up. You’re disgusted and distrustful and that’s a lot to overcome. He has already cheated at least once, and you’ve already split once. Get clear, get your head on straight, and then move forward.
The second to consider is staying and repairing things. I get the sense that when you got back together it didn’t lead to a big effort to fix problematic behaviors on both sides. You could pursue couples therapy and individual, he can work on why he cheated and how to break that behavior cycle, etc. Repairing trust is a lot of work, and it takes a long time, and even if you try you may not succeed. But for the right person it’s worth it.
So…which of those sounds better?
Stop having sex with him.
Get a pregnancy test.
Get tested for STIs.
Find a lawyer who will help you divide your assets.
If you have joint accounts, secure your share.
Don’t believe him again.
Oh I’m so sorry. This is awful. This guy sounds like a psycho, I mean badgering you to get back with him like that whilst doing that and cheating on you again after you take him back is just evil. There is no excuse for that, if he wanted to do all this he should have left you alone. I’d never be able to forgive him for that point alone. He’s also insanely creepy keeping the videos and pictures. He can’t just keep doing the same thing and begging you not to leave. He’s tried a life coach, he’s tried therapy, he’s either not committing to it because he doesn’t really want to change or it’s just not working. Either way, you need to get out, and once out, block this man for good.
In terms of getting out of the house, I’d see if you can get a free half hour with a solicitor to review the contracts to see what your options are. Save as much money as you can in the meantime and stay in a separate room. You may not be able to move out right now but you can still break up with this fucker and tell him to save his usual crap because you’re done and remind him how he’d feel if you’d done what he did. If he won’t leave you be, then is there someone else that he will listen to that you can get to speak to him and make him realise that when he does shitty things there are consequences and harassing someone into forgiving him is not acceptable?
I think you should talk to a lawyer about your house and all of that because you do deserve better than that
Him not being able to get in touch with these women is difficult to believe. No means to find their socials, no workplace info or, in case of his ex, parents house where to check?
Get in touch with a lawyer. See what can be done about the house. It should be possible to just sell it and be done with it.
Let me tell you something . Just about every guy I know and has ever met has a spank bank. I have pics and videos ( consensual) of almost every girl I’ve fucked, and I’ve fucked a lot of chicks. It’s better than any pornhub shit because it’s me and that’s a turn on. I told myself I will delete everything if I’m in a live together/ married relationship. Right now I’m in a long distance thing that may be turning into that. I will still hate deleting all that, there are some incredible performances and great memories that I will hate to delete, but the idea of my current lady finding them and the shit it would cause is not worth it.
First thing id do, in your shoes, is forgive myself for taking this man back and for the consequences that have followed. You now have to deal with this life youve built with a man who had shown who he was to you before this huge commitment.
Okay you forgave yourself, youre not mad and upset about feeling trapped anymore. Youre free to do as you please because you are single, just with a roommate now.
Address finances, are you saving money? Start to if not. Because cohabitating with this guy should be a part of the plan that helps you. You can save money in the meantime. Id recommend selling the house. Or give him a time frame that youre moving out and he can rent out your room to someone else. If your name is on the loan im not sure how that process works with getting absolved of that responsibility.
Id get in the gym because it helped me when j got cheated on. Try pilates. Id read a lot. Id make sure he knows there no freakin chance of this relationship repairing and that he is a free man to do as he pleases. Dont engage in any of his emotional prattle, id turn my emotions off completely. Maybe you should go talk to someone about this stuff