Hey everyone,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 months, and things have been going well. We’ve gotten serious—I even met her parents recently.
Yesterday, while using her phone to send a video, I accidentally saw an old photo she had shared with an ex. It was sent during our relationship, with a message like “what a beautiful photo,” followed by a short chat. I also noticed she had deleted an entire conversation with someone she used to have a FWB relationship with.
We’d already discussed boundaries, and I had clearly said I wasn’t okay with ongoing contact with exes. To her credit, she did cut contact with the ex she sent the photo to—he messaged her the same day she removed him, and she told him she couldn’t keep him in her life. The tone was emotionally heavy.
Since then, I’ve been feeling really unsettled—overthinking, doubting, and wondering about what I don’t know, especially regarding that deleted chat. I care about her, but I’m struggling with trust now.
Has anyone been through something like this? How did you handle it?
Comments
Trust isn’t just broken by cheating, it’s shattered by secrecy. Confront her calmly but firmly, because silence will only feed the doubt already eating at your peace.
A good relationship needs trust and open communication, so if you don’t have either of those things, this relationship is already over.
How do you ‘accidentally’ see message history on her phone when you were using it to just send a video. Jumping to conclusions is a killer for relationships. If you don’t feel comfortable just reviewing with her what you say and where your thoughts are, why are you in a relationship with her?
Well, I’m assuming you said you weren’t comfortable with communication with exes fairly early on in the relationship. You also said that she texted her ex whatever during the relationship. Kind of sounds like a kid eating cookies from a jar when the parents said not to then re-baking said eaten cookies to make up for it. As for the fwb, you probably can’t know when the last convo was with that person since you said it was deleted, would also kind of be weird to be in contact still with said person.
Personally, if I said certain things I was comfortable/uncomfortable with early on and they still happened, I wouldn’t stick around, but that’s just me.
Your feelings make total sense trust took a hit. It helps to talk to her calmly: tell her how it made you feel, ask what really happened, and see if her actions match her words now. Trust can heal, but only if you feel safe and clear.
As another poster said, trust and communication are the foundation of any relationship. I would follow that with transparency to a degree, underlined when it comes to the other person’s boundaries.
> Yesterday, while using her phone to send a video, I accidentally saw an old photo she had shared with an ex. It was sent during our relationship, with a message like “what a beautiful photo,” followed by a short chat. I also noticed she had deleted an entire conversation with someone she used to have a FWB relationship with.
Can you clarify this part? You say she sent it during your relationship, then follow up with she cut contact with this ex. When was the photo sent? Was it before those boundaries were established?
You’re right to be irked by it. However I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet. You two are definitely due a conversation about it because you’re in your own head right now, talking to strangers on the internet about something you should be talking about with her.
And you think she’s comfortable with you “accidentally” going through her chats? Regardless of what I think about the ex topic, you yourself are not ready for a healthy respectful relationship.
i’m friends with highschool sweetheart of 50 years ago. i told wife, i wanted to be friends with her, invited her over to meet wife and that was that. she lives far away. we email and text. occasionally she comes to town and we go out. but, i come home to my wife every night and she is loved and well taken care of. i’m not leaving my wife and she knows it.
People like extra attention and sometimes slip up and give in to what they said they wouldn’t do. It’s up to you to determine if it’s too much or something you can accept. Nothing wrong with expressing how you feel and seeing how it goes.
Just remember though the most important thing is how much does she truly value you over other nonsense or temptations or whatever it might be.
There just has to be that priority to keep you connected to her without having that awful feeling of uncertainty that seems to be warranted in this case.
Dont be spying on ppl
Leave bro !! This is how it starts
Word of advice when you catch her cheating it ain’t the first time cheating it’s the first time you catch them so I highly recommend leave but tell her the reason
“Yesterday I accidentally performed an exhaustive forensic search of my girlfriend’s phone and chat history, desperately searching for evidence to justify my behaviour.” She has a past, OP. Deal with it or break up.
Trust is a two-way street …. if she wants this to work, she needs to be real with you.. you’ve gotta sit down be honest about how this is messing with your head, and see how she responds….If she shuts down or hides more stuff that’s your cue to rethink your peace of mind matters more than holding onto uncertainty
Why are you so insecure about her having occasional contact with her exes? She’s with you now and making her give up all contact just seems to be isolating her from the past and being controlling.
You should break up with her but for her sake.
Been that route before, my now ex gf had many ex boyfriends and guys she had situationships with. I made it clear to her about the boundaries thing, but during our 3 year relationship, she just kept on relapsing and I was disrespected countless times. I ended up demanding her to exchange social media accounts with me to which she agreed, but uneasily. I caught her deleting chats with guys she’s been linked with to from the past. I knew deep inside that I was being manipulated because the two of us keep getting into the scenario where she uses sex as a weapon to make me forgive her and I’ve fallen for that stupid spell for the longest time. But the time came where I told myself that I would give myself an ultimatum that if she did this or that, I would leave the relationship. She did exactly what triggered me, and ever since, I blocked her on all social media apps and 4 years after, I still haven’t stalked her or interacted with her in anyway. Best decision ever.