So I (26m) have been friends with R (25f) for over a year now, we hit it off practically instantly and other people were starting to comment how well we get on and laughing together all the time. I started to develop feelings for her and in October I eventually plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date, but R said I’m a lovely and great guy but she only sees me as a friend and she doesn’t want to be dating as she isn’t sure which direction her life is heading, but that she hopes nothing changes and can stay friends because she doesn’t want to lose me.
I agreed we can remain friends and eventually over time contact dwindled and we didn’t speak for like 2.5 months. In that time I got over the whole thing and went travelling around Asia & Australia.
R then messages me via TikTok and said she had uninstalled Instagram (our form of contact) and we continued talking here and there. Now a band which we both like is on tour and I went to a show, she wanted a few videos and to see what I wore to the concert so I got her number and sent a few videos and pictures and she’s saying things like “surely ur best dressed” and “loving the moustache!!” and generally upping the contact, messaging me like ‘heyyy’ and being complimentary…
My predicament is that I still kinda like her however I’ve long accepted it’s nothing more than friends, and if we are friends why the change in talk? I won’t ask her out again, and so its just frustrating me what her deal is?
I should add that in May 2024 I moved a 4 hour drive away so this is all strictly messages and haven’t seen each other for over a year
Comments
Totally fair to feel confused. If it’s messing with you, some space might help. Your peace comes first
You can be direct about it asking her if you’re misunderstanding her flirty comments
Or you can be joking about it saying next time she compliments you “stop making me blush or else I’ll see you at dinner”’
Or try saying something equivalently flirty then see her reaction if she lightly says thanks or shuts it down immediately
Totally fair to feel confused. If it’s messing with you, some space might help. Your peace comes first
It was really courageous of you to share your feelings that takes a lot of strength! Just remember, if things have changed, it’s perfectly normal for her to need some space to process everything. Focus on taking care of yourself during this time. Sometimes, friendships can shift a bit, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end. Hang in there!
how in the world are compliments her being flirty?! Good lord, she is just being nice.
So you should take into account that the guy she thought was her good friend is actually romantically interested in her and that can be devastating. You can try to be friends but that aspect is never going to go away. Deep down both of you are always gonna remember you took your shot and she shot you down. The current flirtyness you are feeling with her is a bit more confusing.
It could be an attempt to salvage your friendship again. It could be after 2.5 months not talking she realized that you two were a good fit together and she is testing the waters of approaching the idea with you.
I’d say flirt back but not too heavy. Match her energy and see if she ups the stakes sorta speak. You seem to really like this girl which in my eyes is worth it to find out if now she has the same feelings. Good luck to you
The deal is that she misses your attention. If you’re sure you’re over her then just engage as normal if you’re not sure it’s best for your own peace of mind to maintain very low contact
Dude she is not being flirty, you two were best friends after you shot your shot and she shut it down I bet you drastically lowered how much you communicated, basickally she doesn’t want to lose her best friend, as that’s the way the direction the situation seemed to be going in, it happens she is not being romantically flirty, to be honest complimenting your mustache is not that uncommon either that’s just compliment, not every complement means something sexual or romantic, she reached out not because she wants the a romantic partner but because she wants her friend, honestly this is pretty commen situation for friends as a woman and a man, not all of them end like that but a lot do
If you don’t believe me, just ask ” you wanna be just friends right ” I guarantee you her answer would be yes, she is flirty not because she has romantic interest but because complements is very commen thing among female friendships to raise affection, it’s not as commen among men so we often can misunderstand, my best friend was in the same situation, I was telling him she likes him because she literally took a shower around him, but she said she saw him as a brother indirectly when he confessed, girls can do such stuff around you when they see you as someone really close, they rarely think of you as a man, but as a friend first man second
But ultimately you also need to consider your own feelings in the matter, if you feel like you can’t continue being friends with her because of personal feelings end it here, if you are still confused about the compliments directly ask her about them, sometimes, often even being direct is the best policy just be nice about how you do it , would you be overthinking if it was your male best friend giving you a compliment, no right, that’s the exact friendship she wants with you, it’s just she approaching it from female perspective and you are overthinking it, directly ask her, as I said it above this will give you the answer and save you from bitterness and blaming her in the future
Most men lack female affection so when we receive it in the form of friendship we often make this mistake, in such situations honesty is best policy
I’m just gonna say that in all 5 of my relationships, they told me they only wanted to be friends first. Take a step back, treat her as just another friend and let her escalate.
Men and woman are different in many ways. Including the way their friendships exist
It’s very common for women to compliment the their friends appearances, whereas men typicall reserve those for people they’re interested (unless their opinion is specifically asked.)
There’s no escaping the friend zone, so for your sake don’t get hopeful. You best case scenario, is she only rejected you because there was someone “better” she was interested in. And since that person fell through, she’s falling back on you as her back-up.
Future advice: Don’t be friends with girls you find attractive. Just ask them out, right away. You’ll either score a date, or get rejected and not waste your time. For thosw of you who did make friends with a woman, and years later you asked her out and you started dating. Your scenario is not a rebuttle to my advice. You could’ve been dating her from the day you met.
She put you in the friendzone initially now she either misses your attention or wants more.
Unhealed me would would put her in the fuckzone and if she ever asks me for more i would tell her i see her more as a friend with benefits but i hope things don’t change and we can remain that 🙂
Thank the Lord I’m healed now and realize how being petty and passive aggressive is not the way at all. Empathy and compassion (both for others and for self) is the way.
My advice at this point would be to not assume anything and just keep being the coolest version of you. Don’t worry too much about her intentions because not only you will never know, but they may change from week to week depending on lots of factors. Worry more about what you want then what she wants.
When girls are between relationships they tend to go to male friends for their attention fix.
This friendship had an expiration date, the moment someone caught feelings or started dating someone else.
She misses the attention. Send her on her way and find someone who wants you.
I would always ask out their hottest friend in this situation. It just makes everything so much easier to deal with.