I’m trying to find out if my expectations for friendships are anywhere near reality.
How many “good friends” do you have, how often do you spend quality time together, and how truly close are you on a scale of 1-10?
I’ve always hoped I would have a best friend who is the female version of what I have with my husband. The closest thing I have to that is a 5 year friendship with a woman who really never updates me about her life unless we are texting and the subject of “so, what’s new?” comes up. Big things happen and I hear about it after the fact. There is no giving of the proverbial shirt off her back, and favours are done only when really convenient. I love long texting with jokes and quips, but most people text twice and then not again until tomorrow. I’ve learned to live with disappointment because I feel that what I want in a friend is much more than what others want or are willing to give. What’s worse is that I can’t tell if a friend likes me but just doesn’t want to chat often, or if they aren’t fond of me and are exchanging remarks out of pity (I’m disabled) or politeness.
But going forward and making new friends, which gives me intense anxiety, I’d like to adjust my expectations. I’d love to have a ride or die bestie, but I feel like that’s a pipe dream based off the lukewarm friendly but distant relationships I have with everyone else.
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People have different communication styles and preferences. That’s not always an indication of the state of the relationship.
I’m also big into text chats but many of my friends aren’t and that’s okay.
I will say I never expect a friendship that’s “the female version of what I have with my husband”. IMO that’s unreasonable to expect and would be crossing most people’s boundaries. There’s a significantly higher level of intimacy and access to my life partner that I give and expect in return than I do with platonic friends. Even my two best friends that I’m incredibly close with don’t approach that dynamic.
I have at least 8 friends I could call on in a crisis, who I see quite a lot, and who know me deeply. So I don’t think it’s a pipe dream at all.
> However, all my friendships feel shallow, superficial, and disposable because nobody really wants to put themselves out there for a real bond. I do. I’m willing.
In my experience, most people are only open to these kinds of bonds for short periods of time, and often let them go in favor of their partner, family and step-family.
You are seeking this deep connection, but many people already have it with their sibling, childhood friend or partner.
So basically, you want to target people who are “open” to it, too. Typically, people who moved in from another place, and people who recently left an LTR. People who recently want through a dramatic life change will also be more open.
But note: friendships cannot stay as strong all the times, the intensity will go down and up over the years.
I have a best friend who is long distance. We make the effort to check in via text daily and we do at least a one hour video call once a week to maintain our connection. I have two really close friends in my area. We check in via text a few times a week and try to get together a few times a month at least – I just went on vacation with one of them and im a bridesmaid in the others wedding next weekend. My next door neighbor is also a good friend and we go to the gym together weekly, check in via text periodically and hang out fairly regularly – shes my plus one to the wedding. I have a few other local friends that I see less frequently but still at least monthly. We work together and at least text a few times a week.
I think you just do the best to be authentically yourself (for me, that involves some oversharing), expect reciprocity in relationships without compromise, and you’ll attract what you want. Just don’t expect them in large quantities and its taken me years to nurture my relationships.
My husband and I spend an extraordinary amount of time together and are building a life and family together, so I don’t know that any platonic friendships can approach the sheer amount of time and energy of my marriage.
That being said, even my husband says my close female friends know me in a way he doesn’t. I have close connections there.
I don’t live geographically close to most of my friends, so in person hang outs are less frequent, but I have maybe 10 I could call in a crisis and about 6 I talk to regularly several times a week.
i am not a person who desires to text everyday. truthfully, i hate texting. like, actually despise it. i am an introvert, so i hate being so easily accessible to people because it can get overwhelming, and i value in-person interactions because it’s easier to misunderstand people over text. i even prefer phone calls over texting.
i would say that i have 8-10 close friends outside of my husband that i know i can call and reach out to for help (and vice versa), that i prioritize my nights and weekends for plans. we are so close that i reach out to their parents to have dinner if i am in their town. hating texting is not an excuse to not show up as a friend, though – i am religious about remembering birthdays/anniversaries, following up on bigger life updates if its been awhile longer than normal, and i make sure to take initiative on making plans because that’s how i show my care and affection. if i value doing things in-person, then i need to make that effort first.
and my friends are completely okay with this! but you HAVE to talk to each other about what your expectations are. no one can read minds, and it’s a two-way street – there has to be a mutual understanding that this is how both people operate, and whether or not that is okay. otherwise things can get really personal really quickly and it’s not a good outcome for anybody.
I don’t think what you’re asking for is unreasonable, OP, but I do think it’s very hard to find, especially after 30 and especially with the particular parametres you’ve thrown up. I have a few of the type of friendship you’re describing here, but I made most of those friends during my most raw and formative years (e.g., teens and twenties). I think it’s probably hardest to form these extraordinarily intimate friendships anew in your thirties to fifties in particular, especially because these are just unique decades for myriad reasons. (In your sixties is when people typically retire, so that often opens a lot of stuff up again, maybe?)
IME, you’d probably have to look for the people who likewise feel some deeper gap (loneliness?) in their lives, as most folks who have a solid infrastructure already are probably not going to be nearly as emotionally available for something so heavy.
I think a female version of what you have with your husband is unrealistic. It’s almost a sisterly bond at that point which takes years & going through shared difficulties to develop that connection. You can have other expectations though that would be more realistic to create