My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) are getting engaged soon, and we’re both Christian. His family is also Christian, and mine is Hindu and Indian. We’re planning to have two wedding ceremonies: a Christian one to honor our shared faith, and a Hindu one just as a cultural celebration to honor my heritage and family. The Hindu ceremony would not be religious for us—just cultural.
My family has been completely respectful and supportive of the Christian wedding. But his family is spazzing out over the idea of a Hindu celebration. They’re saying it “goes against their church” and that it’s wrong to include anything non-Christian. His dad even said that we’re “children” and don’t get to make these decisions (we’re 26??). Now that my boyfriend stood up for me and supported the plan, they’re blaming me and treating me like I’m corrupting him or disrespecting their faith with his mom even saying “If you were with an Egyptian girl you wouldn’t be talking to us this way” when in reality he’s only speaking up for what him and I want. It’s so toxic.
For context: we’re not asking them to participate in anything they’re uncomfortable with. We’re just trying to celebrate both sides of our identities and families. It feels really unfair that my family is bending over backward to honor their traditions, while his family is acting like ours doesn’t deserve the same respect.
I’m feeling super hurt, and even though my boyfriend is on my side, I’m worried this is just the beginning of a bigger problem with his family long-term.
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Gross and xenophobic behavior
‘Dear MIL and FIL, this is happening so you’re either onboard or you’re not. If not, we’ll miss you’. Do not leave room for negotiation or argument
I’m sorry to say this but you’re probably right …
If you buy into their drama you’ll only fuel it .. Just say you’re sorry they feel they won’t be able to attend , they will be missed …..Then just don’t engage them in any further conversations about the Hindu ceremony.
Also, learn about about grey rocking and how to start putting boundaries down now with actionable consequences both you and your BF are willing to follow through on.
This is the only way you can stop them from ruining your wedding experiences. It also sets the precedent with them early on about how you are willing to be treated by them.
Don’t invite them then. Easy.
Christian love though. Keep it in mind when telling people you identify as the same.
Their lack of respect for your culture is the real problem, not your wedding plans. You and your BF need to present a united front.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
I was very fortunate to be a guest at the very western wedding of a friend, and then their very Hindu wedding in India.
It was amazing.
And both sets of parents bought in hard for both traditions. It was so much fun.
I’m sorry your MIL is this way. I really hope you have the wedding you want and deserve!
Sounds like they should be uninvited from the wedding and your lives.
They don’t have to attend, but they can’t stop you from having the celebration you want.
Yes it is going to be a future problem. Wait until you have kids and want to show them your culture, they aren’t going to like that.
Ignore their tantrum and do your celebration. Stop talking about it to them. Don’t invite them.
Yeah it’s the beginning of a bigger problem. Set a precedent now. Something like:
“This wedding represents our love for one another and joining of our lives together. In order to respect the depth and seriousness of that love, the wedding will reflect traditions we both value.
You have made your objections to the plan for the wedding ceremonies clear, and while we understand it is not something you would choose to do, the plan is final and we will not be discussing this topic with you further. We will end any conversations about this topic in the future.
We also respect the choices you made for your life and so we don’t expect you to participate in any part of the wedding you are not comfortable with.
If you feel uncomfortable attending the wedding at all, while we will miss you dearly, we will respect your decision not to attend.
If you decided to attend, we do expect you to behave respectfully during all parts of the wedding and to everyone in attendance or you will be asked to leave.
We think it prudent to mention that there will be other decisions we make in the future which will differ from the decisions you have made for your life. We will expect you to respect those decisions in the same way we expect you to respect the decisions we made about our wedding.”
Have the Hindu celebration first. If they don’t come and support you then maybe there is no need to have another celebration. It’s worrisome because they sound like they don’t welcome all faiths. Christian’s should do that. That alone indicates a bigger problem in the future.
Don’t let them rain on your parade. It’s simple, not all invitations have to be accepted. They can decline to attend
If you were an Egyptian girl they’d still find a problem with something else you wanted for your wedding.
Just to set a big boundary right there. I would combine BOTH celebrations you talked about into ONE
Husband and I did my cultural things for the wedding we had for his family even though we could have just had it as a typical American celebration. Yet, we incorporated lots of traditions you do where I am originally from. Though we still had a church ceremony later that following year overseas for my family. The only things “american” that was provided were some English songs by the band.
So, why not have ONE wedding celebration and you guys do the traditional parts of your Hindu heritage combined with the Christian faith you share and want ? Nothing wrong with that.
His parents will get an invitation and can choose to attend or not. That alone is a big thing for future problem or no problem.
Also to add unless his parents are paying the wedding (I mean paying. Not gifting you guys money to do whatever you wish with it for the wedding) then you might rethink the idea I guess ? Bc that just shows if they pay they can have a say (trust me my in-laws didn’t pay and yet my mother in law still thought she could have so many demands. Ever since the engagement we are on not good speaking terms).
Keep us updated on everything and hopefully everything goes smoothly. Don’t let them wear you down. But make sure your husband won’t get worn down and then make matters with you worse. Because then run!
they’re massive racists and bigots. you’re right to be worried, because these people will always feel completely justified in blaming you and belittling you and your family.
imo, this is a crossroads. either your boyfriend tells them to get themselves under control or he accepts the ridiculous premise that hindu culture can ‘disrespect’ a separate ceremony. not only is that stupid, but it absolutely goes against the core of the christian faith – that this is our earthly life, that our traditions and customs are varied, and the point is what we believe. he shouldn’t debate on this, because it’s not a debate at all. don’t give it airtime. if they can’t cope with seeing different flowers and clothes, they don’t have to come.
if your boyfriend doesn’t choose you, please don’t choose him. you deserve a life partner who refuses to keep quiet when anyone is racist to you, including his own family. ‘leave and cleave’ is the phrase, i’m told.
i’m not speaking aspirationally, either. i did not struggle to choose my wife over my racist family because it’s not hard to know what the right choice is here. it was painful, and i paid the price, and i’m not sorry at all. don’t settle for less.
I am a Christian and that is not Christ like. They suck and will only get worse most likely.
This is a family that will throw a fit anytime your family interferes with their pre-set plans. Every holiday will be a power struggle.
Any time anyone tries to claim a 26 year old is a child the response should be ‘not according to the government ‘.
Tell them, we have invited you to a marriage celebration for my culture. If you don’t want to come that is fine. But please stop slandering my culture and family’s religion. My family is coming to your family’s religion and culture, please be respectful of theirs.