When we were dating, I really thought MIL was a sweet woman. But ever since we moved in together to another country, and got engaged, signs are showing, and its a combination of a typical emotionally immature boy mom, with devouring mom syndrome and empty nest syndrome. And of course, her husband (fiance’s dad) is emotionally distant.
What happened recently:
- She said she needs to talk to him every single day (calls or texts) and wants to know literally every detail about his life.
- They visited us, stayed for a week as a holiday. No problem. Before they came, they asked what gift I’d like. I said “anything but clothes” (sensory issues). Guess what she brought? Pajamas. 🙃
- I planned out a whole holiday itinerary when they came: sightseeing, where to eat, the works. And the entire time, she whined that my fiancé was being so “distant”, like not wrapped around her finger anymore or something. At one point his father told him to “go comfort your mom, she hasnt been able to spend quality time with you”. Bro…
- After the trip she straight-up sulked because he didn’t make some huge gesture like buying her gifts or taking her to a fancy restaurant. Mind you we are in our mid-20s with literally no savings yet, and we still tried to plan out a budget holiday for them. Fiance realized afterwards that they expected him (or us) to cover for everything, every meal and expense, and some grand gesture too apparently.
- Now that fiance is cutting back on the constant calls/texts to focus on our engagement and future, she’s accusing him of “abandoning” them and only caring about himself. When asked if theres anything wrong with him prioritising his future family, she doubled down and said its not a problem, “BUT YOU STILL DONT CARE ABOUT US ANYMORE!!”
- She’s also upset that he “doesn’t depend on them anymore” for advice or opinions on his life decisions. God forbid he act like an adult.
- On my birthday, he told them he was taking me out for a nice dinner, and MIL’s response was just: “Okay.” No happy birthday. No nothing. I didnt really expect anything from her to begin with but the animosity was clear.
But now it’s gotten to the point where my fiancé is debating whether we should even go “home” for Christmas. I know it’s an important holiday. But honestly, it doesn’t feel like a healthy environment for either of us right now. But he’s torn, because his grandparents (who we both love) don’t know about all the drama, and he’s scared of breaking their hearts if we don’t show up.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Pthrowinyuaway posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Pthrowinyuaway JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Start your own traditions this year, may as well rip the band-aid off now and let them get used to the idea that their son is an adult now.
I would let your fiancé take the lead on this. Is it possible to go, but stay with friends instead of her?
Explain to grandparents traveling is just unfortunately not possible right now between finances/getting time off from work. I think it’s a good idea for your fiance to take a step back because you know she’s going to be just as bad, if not worse, with expecting him to do all these things to make her happy around the holiday. Her problem is that she cannot accept her son is an adult. The fact that she’s sad he doesn’t “depend” on them anymore is just sad. She needs a life and identity outside of being a mom. The next time your finances dad tells him to go comfort his mom or something like that your fiance should respond back asking “isn’t that your job as her husband?”. He’s going to have to be honest and tell them he’s tired of feeling like he has a responsibility of making and keeping his mother happy that is not appropriate with being her child. He feels like he has to do things that his dad should be doing for her and it’s making him uncomfortable.
If you guys decide not to go, be ready for the biggest blow up ever. Or for her to show up at your place. I would plan a secret Christmas getaway just you two.
Traditions are peer pressure from the old and the dead.
Make your own traditions at your own home.
Loop the grandparents in now before your fmil fills their head with an alternate reality.
It’s a tough spot to be in. Spending quality time with family, especially grandparents who won’t be here forever, is important to him. However, FMIL’s shenanigans are a pain. But he’s going to have to face her. This might be as good a time as any other.
I don’t think it will be fair to him to avoid family time because of someone else. Moreso now that he’s living abroad and occasions for family gatherings become less and less. The sooner he gets her under control (good luck with that), the sooner he can enjoy less dramatic family moments.
I’m glad he can see how unhealthy the relationship is and he’s taking the necessary steps to create healthy boundaries.
Set the precedent now that Christmas is spent in your own home! It will come in handy when/if you have children.
The Christmas battle is one the biggest conflicts we had with both my JNMIL and JNMom. They both demanded to spend the actual day of Christmas with us, despite us living more than 500 miles away for the first years of our marriage. We tried to appease both sides, saved PTO and spent an entire week driving “home”, splitting the time evenly, and visiting both homes on Christmas day. (Despite the roughly 100 mile distance between my parents’ home and his…oh, and we also had to visit his grandparent’s house on Xmas eve. 🙃) Basically, we spent the entire week in the car and arrived home hours before having to return to work, only to have both of our mothers pout and claim that the other side got more time. 🫠
So when we had our son, I put my foot down and told them both that our son wasn’t going to spend his Christmas stuffed in a car seat, dragging the roads. Christmas was going to be in our home, just the three of us. The meltdown(s) that followed were epic, but we stuck to it and managed to reclaim our holidays.
Your FH needs to set boundaries with consequences. If his mom isn’t respectful of his independence and autonomy, I would highly recommend only going back to visit if you can find your own accommodations and visit when it is mutually beneficial.
“Your expectations for communication do not work for me. I love you and I can only talk on Tuesdays and Tuesdays between 3-6pm. Let me know that time works best for you.”
Don’t engage with the accusations or manipulation. His parents are allowed to feel abandoned and hurt, but that’s not reality. Their feeling are theirs to manage and you just need to have confidence in your motivations and intentions. Their expectations are not his obligation to fulfill.
I would also step waaaaay back from planning things/ getting involved with his parents. Let him handle the itinerary for their trip and be a support to him. They’re his parents and he needs to be responsible for them, even if his preparations fall short and disappoint them.
This is growing pains for everyone. The more consistent you are with boundaries, the quicker they will be forced to accept them and adjust.
Follow his lead on this. You don’t want to be the person who makes decisions for him either. It’s his life and you’re there to support him.
Hopefully he still goes because his grandparents sound nice. I would definitely advise on staying in a hotel instead of MIL’s or another family member’s house. Just so privacy and the excuse to leave to a safe place is still there.
Sadly, this doesn’t get better on its own. If something happens to FIL then MIL will double completely down on having daily contact. The guilt will be awful on your partner too. But it’s time to set boundaries now and have her expectations lowered. This isn’t a healthy dynamic.
It’s his job to be the go-between with his family, and it’s your job to be the go-between with your family. If he’s not sure he wants to go see his family for Christmas, follow his lead. It sounds like he is aware of his spine, and is in the process of shining it up. It sounds like he understands that the family he is creating is his nuclear family and his family of origin is now his extended family. It is up to him to make sure his mom gets that same memo. Perhaps you can reach out to his grandparents and find a way to spend some time with them separately, or at least let them know why you have chosen not to see his parents, if you do not go. Not saying you should badmouth his parents to his grandparents, but I would imagine his grandparents are not clueless about how his parents are acting, and should at least be told that they are loved and appreciated, and you are not avoiding them in particular.
Can you go for a few days, stay with grandparents or a modest hotel?
That’s having and keeping boundaries.
Do not stay with his parents.