After 15 years I had contact again with my ex, my first love, my first sexual partner, my first relationship. For two years the reunion was platonic. We spend some good time together, also slept in eachothers bed, next to eachother without sex or complicated, mixed feelings. He has a special place in my heart, did not wanted to ruin our friendship with meaningless sex as I was not in love with him, even couldn’t think of having sex with him ever again. In those 15 years he had another relationship and two sons. One son is biologically his but the second one is from a donor. They split while she wanted to have another child but he didn’t. When they split she got pregnant by the donor and asked him (ex bf) to become the father on paper and he said yes. Because the mother of his children and his children are living in another country he now rents a house in the woods nearby and is planning to buy it. As I write this I am in this house and some things shifted while being here. What started as joining him for a mini holiday got a bit romantic. We made love and told we have feelings for eachother. He asked me if I wanted to have family with him and live the dream we always wanted. Something in me is not able to say a full yes. I do love him but I am not crazy in love with him. I do find him attractive but he is not the typical guy I would fall for now 15 years later. I miss a spark, carnal desire, something I feel when really having the hots for your boyfriend in the first years. I know already a lot of him. I like handy man and he is absolutely the opposite. Ok, shallow remark but..
Also, if I would move here I would have two bonus sons, how does that work even?! I did become a fence sitter a year ago but now with this situation (beautiful place for building a family, stable personality said ex bf, peaceful relationship, for me an opportunity to work remote and finally have a garden!) it all seems very easy, like taking place at a beautifuly set table. Maybe it is too easy? I really don’t know what to do now. I feel like I want to date to see what men are there (haven’t done that in months) who are up for the same thing like me but with a clean slate. No bonus sons, no ex girlfriend. Or should I stop this ever going restless behaviour? I never found men who wanted what I want, my fresh ex for example. Also, I am so happy with the ‘carefree’ life I have, having one child seems already a lot (but ok), let alone three all at once. Considering my age I don’t feel too much room for exploring all this..i don’t know if I should go back to dating while I already know someone who loves me deeply.
Someone went through something similar?
Comments
But you said yourself that you are not in love with this “someone who loves you deeply” and that is reason enough to walk away. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you for you to settle like this for familiar and comfortable but lacking.