I’m a 31F who was broken up with by my toxic ex of 3.5 years for the third time in December. We had a really tumultuous relationship the entire time. He was doing bad, disrespectful things pretty much the entire time (think borderline cheating in addition to general disrespect), and my friends refused to be around him because of how bad he treated me. He would always initiate getting back together, say he changed/I was the love of his life, I would think everything was going well, and then he would randomly say he didn’t love me/didn’t see a future with me probably every 4 months (we wouldn’t always break up). Even in the latest most “positive” iteration of our relationship, on my birthday he refused to say nice things about me because he didn’t “like saying empty words when he wasn’t feeling it.” He would say we could move in together and then he would take it back the next day. This sort of thing would happen a lot.
Despite this, we had amazing chemistry, basically lived together, had a ton of fun together, and had a lot of overlapping hobbies/interests/goals. He would also do really nice, sweet, kind, caring things for me that indicated that he really loved me. This is the most meaningful, serious relationship I’ve had in my life, and he could still never provide me any reassurance about the future, ever. Well, sometimes he would, and then when he’d break up with me he’d say he was “lying to himself” and “trying to convince himself of it.”
I was doing really well until he started getting back into contact a couple of months ago, asking for internship/school advice and sending a birthday present to my house. I tried telling him to stop and that I wasn’t ready but it somehow devolved into me begging to know why the relationship wouldn’t work, this ended with me getting blocked. This really set me back and I wish I could have maintained my dignity and just told him to stop. I’m also mad that he gets to pretend to be normal and date after treating me so poorly for the past 3.5 years.
I haven’t had much luck with dating since we broke up and I know he has. Thinking about everything really gets me down, and I can’t stop blaming myself and thinking about how I could have reacted differently to change the dynamic. There’s also a lot of anger I feel toward him for wasting the last bit of my 20s, although I know this is just as much my fault.
Basically just looking for advice/reassurance/stories of successfully getting over something like this.
Comments
Gotta go no contact and only time will help you put it into context how it wasn’t a situation for you. Don’t let him back in no matter what. Tell him off if you have to turn him off of contacting you in the future. His attention no longer matters!
This man would happily waste your life if you let him.
You’ll get over him when you realise that you deserve so much more than whatever he had to offer.
Surely you know you deserve more than a man who will ruin your birthday by refusing to be nice to you because he’s not feeling it?
Basically time and distance is what you need. I promise it gets better but unfortunately it is not linear. You’ll have shit days in between. You must go fully no contact including social media following/stalking or chatting about it with friends. Pretend he is dead. I’m serious, pretend the last thing you heard bout him was that he died. That good version of him is never coming back, it is dead.
Honey he abused you for 3 and a half years. No contact. Delete & block everywhere and wean yourself off this toxic addiction. And next time listen to your friends.
Honestly, therapy and no contact. Focus on your goals, if you can put physical distance (go on a trip, make new experiences untied to him).
Don’t be too harsh on yourself, literally everyone has that toxic ex.
Please don’t beat yourself up! I know you said you had some lovely times together but to me it sounds like he manipulated you and was breadcrumbing you (google this, I found interesting!) – showing a lot of interest, love bombing and then withdrawing and being unsure about the relationship (leaving you confused and hurt). He sounds like a terrible partner, and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel emotionally safe.
I have begged before.. I know how awful it feels. Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear but the best thing I did for myself after I got out of a toxic relationship was not date for a while and focus on myself. It’s hard to pick the right person when our heart is hurting.
Block him back!! If you can, delete pictures and memories of him. Don’t stalk his socials or keep tabs on him (his dating life doesn’t affect yours). It’s not fair to yourself to keep picking at the wound.
I’m sending hugs x ❤️ you WILL get through this.
I tell myself that the feelings were there because of the toxic familiarity — not for the actual person. To me, it wasn’t (and isn’t) real love. This has pretty much been true 💯 of the time.
I ended up marrying this man, or someone very similar. We got along so well and he was my absolute best friend. I believed him when he told me he could change. I thought he loved me so much that I was worth changing for.
They never change. Once someone shows you who they are… believe them.
Don’t waste another second on someone who can’t love you the way you deserve.
Are you in therapy? Do that and some journaling. Block him everywhere. Do not contact him. If you can resave his contact information as something that will jar you if/when you feel tempted like “NO Fuck Boy” or whatever.
Read about intermittent reinforcement. That is what is going on with why you feel so excited by this obviously toxic dynamic. If you understand it, it might help you resist it in the future.
If you don’t start working on your psychological issues that lead you to keep getting sucked back into something with him (including the romanticizing you are still doing), you will be sucked back in the next time he comes around. I can almost guarantee you that this man will come back around. Don’t set up your future self.
I had a very similar relationship about 12 years ago. I was very deeply in love almost to the level of addiction and a friend pointed out to me that someone treating you this way causes addiction to them as taking away and giving love has an effect almost like gambling. If you win every time it’s boring. Same with losing. But if you win then lose?
He would say he couldn’t be with me and then come over and spend days with me and say he loved me and we could be together. Then because we were broken up or on a break he would sleep with other people and always be flirting and such.
It broke me. I was single for nearly 10 years after.
Now I’m in a lovely healthy relationship but I still have nightmares about him quite often where I’m in love again and he says he wants me then something happens and he leaves and I feel how bereft I felt then all over again.
That treatment damaged my self esteem so thoroughly and that addiction made some part of my brain rewired to crave his acceptance.
But yes in the end I can say you can get over this. Perhaps meeting someone who is kind as I have and treats you better will help you to build new brain circuits over the ones that have been damaged.
I don’t think in a case like this he will change. You may always feel pain and rejection and hurt and such and mostly the anxiety of what’s coming next.
Idk if you want a family but if you do, he is wasting your prime fertility years. DO NOT LET HIM. I know you broke up but I’m talking psychically, emotionally etc etc too.
If he’s like this as a boyfriend, hell, a “friend” imagine him as a father. Do you want to tell your sobbing toddler that “Daddy loves you, he’s just upset right now”? No?
There are a lot of women who are child-free not by choice but bc they couldn’t find a suitable partner…many who were hung up on an attachment hoping he’d change for YEARS. Sooner you let go of the wrong one, sooner you can let in the right one.
I left my on/off ex of 10 years for the millionth time a year ago and I can relate. We never fought in the way I have with other people. Our issue always came down to his addictions winning out over just about everything else and I got to a point where I wasn’t willing to compete with substances. The first 6 months were awful and I cried a lot. He naturally had a replacement lined up immediately and was posting her all over the internet (something we did actually argue about exactly one time) and lemme tell ya I spiraled HARD.
I dove into my hobbies, read a million books and made a lot of art about his severed head in various stages of decomposition. Do what you gotta do lol. Anyway a few weeks ago, guess who texted me at 4am on a weds? Like I didn’t leave him for coke-head alcoholic behavior haha! For the first time since 2019, I didn’t reply. He blew my phone up a few more times before giving up. I did some snooping and I’m pretty sure they’re living together…if I had replied, how would that have played out? Bullet dodged.
He is not a better person for her and this behavior proves exactly that. Your ex having access to other women doesn’t mean they’re getting the fantasy version you dream of. They’re getting the same asshole but are willing to tolerate what you wouldn’t. It takes time but you will feel better eventually, hang in there ❤️
You dodged a bullet. This man breaks your heart again and again. There is no good chemistry that can make up for the fact that he is not an emotionally safe person to date, commit to, and love. You see him having success dating? He may be able to find someone to date, but so what? He’s definitely repeating the same pattern with them.