Hello everyone,
I’m struggling at the moment with a dilemma and need some advice. Recently my GF of 4 months has revealed to me that one of her friends that I’ve met and hanged out with was someone she has hooked up with multiple times before dating me.
This is a person she claims is only a friend and that it was never anything emotional and was just something to do while single and for some reason wishes she never did it and it’s not like that anymore in her words.
However, she can be friends with whoever she wants and I don’t want to controlling or jealous type but being told this 4 months into our relationship after she moved in with me really rubs me the wrong way as now I genuinely don’t feel comfortable with them hanging out 1 on 1 like they were previously and before I knew their history.
I clearly expressed how uncomfortable this situation makes me now and told her that them being physical in the past changes their dynamic completely and she disagrees with me but she does understand why i feel this way and is really trying to assure me its nothing. She thinks I’m blaming her for doing something before I met her and that its not fair but for me it’s the fact that this is a person that is still very present in her life and clearly doesn’t like we are together in my opinion.
I do also find it kind of weird that I asked her if we weren’t together would she still hook up with him and she said probably and got offended that I was making up scenarios that don’t exist and villainising her for it.
I only see 2 options to be honest. I either suck it up and trust her completely or I break it off because it’s a boundary that I cannot stretch.
She did say that if she really had to she would no longer be his friend but she’s very adamant about not doing that and wants him in her life which makes me feel like this can’t really be an option because what type of BF if I’m taking people out of her life even as much sense it makes to me to cut them out.
She did admit regret in telling me this information because she didnt think it would bother me so much when she brought it up. I do trust my GF but I feel like it’s unfair to put me in such a position. I do believe what she says but it doesn’t make me feel any less strongly about it.
all in all, she’s upset that I’m blaming her for something she did before we met and feels like I don’t trust her while I feel like having this person in your life while in a serious relationship is inappropriate.
it sucks because we have a very good relationship and love each other a lot, no doubt but what so you guys think?
tl;dr- gf has a friend present in her life that she used to hook up with and this information makes me uncomfortable
Comments
I get how difficult this situation is for you and from your perspective I’d absolutely want my partner to set more boundaries with this person. I also applaud you for not wanting to force her to go no-contact with him, as barring people from a partners life is not always the best move.
All that being said, I have been (and am) in a similar situation. I have a partner currently who I love very deeply and we are happy, but I do have people in my life that I have slept with before that he also knows and he knows the history. These two friends are completely platonic to me and I could never imagine sleeping with them again, that completely went out the window, but not because I met my partner, but already before that for unrelated reasons and because it simply didn’t fit.
My partner hangs out with these friends as well and it’s never once bothered him because he can tell that there is 0 sexual tension or interest there.
My suggestion would be for you to hang out with your girlfriend and her friend and see what the energy is like. Maybe if you become friends with him, it could ease your mind.
If you’re happy with her, I’m not sure it’s worth breaking it off over this, unless there’s some clear overstepping of boundaries