Me (25M) and her (25F) have been in a relationship for close to 4 years now. We are a great couple and have a great connection according to both ourselves, friends and family. There’s just one major glaring problem. She wants kids down the line, I absolutely don’t – and in a recent discussion we’ve had about this topic I just could not understand her logic – I want to go as far as to say I even found her logic flawed which isn’t something I’m used to, because she’s a very smart and witty woman usually.
I brought up getting a cat or a dog on multiple occasions already and every single time she shot me down with a hard no – her reason being it would be too much additional stress, we’d have to offer up our free time to take care of said animal (go for walks, feed it, clean it, etc.) and in general looking after it would prove to be too much work. She is an absolute animal lover though, will pet and call over literally any cat she sees and grew up with one at her parents place and still visits often to see it.
Now I can live with that – a cat or a dog would be cool, but if she says no, alright – no biggy. HOWEVER it makes absolutely zero sense to me to decline wanting a pet for previously stated reasons, yet be absolutely sure of having kids down the line when kids take like 10 x the amount of work a pet would.
I already brought this up to her in a conversation however she kept saying “Those are not the same things.” over and over whereas I think it’s not that bad of a comparison. She wants to have kids by 30, so sometime in the next 5 years.
Mind you she is also a person that comes home from her normal 9 – 5 office job and it’s not rare that she’s completely knocked out and unable to do chores/housework afterwards – which is completely okay and we’re in continous communication when it comes to this topic – the general verdict being we’re splitting this workload 50:50 quite well.
However it also makes me think if it’s that great of an idea to consider having kids when “the workload of normal life” is already enough to knock you out most days.
I’ve never in my 25 years of life thought about kids in a positive manner – I simply do not want to spend the time, effort, nerves and money of the next 18 years to raise a human. I’d rather enjoy spending all that time, effort, nerves and money on myself and my GF. The thought of being a dad brings me no joy at all – the opposite really, it absolutely stresses me out and I’m terrified of it.
Who would you say makes more sense here?
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Why are you staying with someone who you have no future with? This is the ultimate incompatibility.
She wants kids in the next five years, and you don’t want kids at all? Sounds like you two are incompatible. I dont understand how you two have had such detailed discussions about pets, but not about kids.
Why are you together if you fundamentally disagree on this point?
There’s no “sense or no sense” here. Everyone decides what kind of unpleasant stuff they’re willing to endure to get what they want – some people think the diapers and screaming of childhood are worth it, and to some it’s their worst nightmare. Some people could never live without a dog, for me it’s a hard no. I am not interested in needing to follow a walk schedule and worry about leaving them home alone. I don’t like the fur and mess. But a kid’s mess I can handle. I don’t think it’s hypocritical, just different preferences.
Why are you dating someone who wants kids when you absolutely do not? Why are you approaching this like an academic subject or debate club? She wants what she wants, don’t try to bend her to your will with your “logic”. Just accept you want different things and break up already, you’re wasting her time and yours.
You guys are fundamentally incompatible.
You have no future together. Break up.
You want pets but don’t want kids – a perfectly reasonable position to take
Your girlfriend wants kids but doesn’t want pets – a perfectly reasonable position to take
My wife and I both wanted kids (we have two now). My wife wanted pets (but wasn’t desperate). I don’t really want pets (but it’s not really a big problem). We’ve agreed to get pets in a few years when the kids are older (and yes I’m absolutely going to to stick to that – I’m not just fobbing her off)
In our situation it was possible to reach a compromise we were both happy with. In your situation it’s very difficult to envisage a situation that will keep you both happy. It’s not about being right or wrong – you just have very different priorities and it’s difficult to imagine it nor leading to the end of the relationship. Sorry!
It’s not about who makes more sense; you want different things. You are trying to negotiate a pet instead of a child and they aren’t comparable. You can’t compromise about having kids. It’s pointless to think that way; you either want them or you don’t. Stop wasting each other’s time.
She wants kids not pets. Kids are something she’s willing to make sacrifices for and pets are not. Also she may be worried how pets would affect her ability to pay full attention to her future children.
And one partner wanting kids while the other does not is a normal dealbreaker. Is she okay with never having kids? Cause if not you guys need to end this
Whether the comparison of kids vs pets makes sense to you doesn’t matter. What does matter is you do not want kids and she does.
This is a fundamental incompatibility that cannot be compromised on. Children are a two-yes-one-no situation. Both parties have to absolutely agree on children. You can’t half have a child and even having only one is still having children.
You and your girlfriend disagree on a serious matter. Therefore you have completely different views on the future.
Whether or not kids and pets are comparable responsibilities is SO not the problem here.
Stop stealing her opportunity to have a family and break up with her. You both want different things and keep deluding yourselves that the other person will cave in to your wants. That’s not how relationships work.
Easily and rationally explained: She wants kids so she’s willing to take on the workload for that. Getting a pet isn’t that important to her, so she’s not. Nothing wrong with that perspective, but it sounds like y’all aren’t compatible.
Break up. This is a huge incompatibility issue.
I’ve always said that people who are considering having children should get a pet first. If you can’t deal with the pet don’t even consider having the children.
You are childfree. Get a vasectomy and find someone who’s also childfree.
> She wants kids down the line, I absolutely don’t
You both don’t make sense.
What are you guys doing together? You guys are not compatible.
Cut each other loose.
If youre childfree get a vasectomy.
I don’t understand what isn’t clear to you about this. She’s willing to put up with the extra work and stress for kids because she WANTS them. She doesn’t want a pet enough to put up with the extra work and stress a pet would involve. It’s incredibly simple.
That aside, you two should start talking about ending your relationship. You want two very different things, it’s just going to cause you pain down the line. The longer you’ve been together, and the older you are when you accept it, the worse it’ll be.
You guys are just not compatible lol, you have to realize that to a lot of people, having a little puppy that eats all your shit and craps on your floor until it dies in 10-15 years is absolutely not the same thing as having an actual child
I personally love pets and have had them my whole life, but they are not comparable to babies and if she wants babies but you don’t, you guys just gotta end it as harsh as it is to say
You’re so cooked bro. You’re not gonna convince her otherwise. She’s right – animals and children are not the same thing, and they don’t give the same type of fulfillment. She has a certain vision for life that includes being a mother and all that entails. That is not the same thing at all as what a life with pets entails. It should not be surprising to you that people have different tolerances for different things – she can tolerate the shit she hates about pets when it comes to kids because she wants kids. You are making a mistake trying to equate the two by saying they have the same stressors – you are missing that the outcomes are very different.
I couldn’t get past the first paragraph before it’s glaringly obvious you guys aren’t compatible.
What are you even doing?
Im sure basically everyone else is pointing this out, but you’re asking the wrong question. If you’re 100% sure you don’t want kids, and she is telling you she absolutely does, there is no good future with this woman. She is not going to change her mind on this issue. Who gives a crap if she wants a cat or not? She wants kids and you don’t. She has a timeline and in order to meet it, she needs to start soon. If you stay with this woman any longer you’re going to be the ex that squandered her time in her mind. Now that may not matter much to you, but is it worth it? Move on, find a woman who wants pets and no kids.
Time to break up. I don’t see a way forward. She wants kids, and you sound like you think a pet should suffice. Pets are not the same thing as kids.
I think you are being quite unfair to her. Most people come back from a 9-5 and are tired. But when they have children, they find a way to make it work. There’s no pressure for her to do anything after her 9-5 now so why shouldn’t she rest? What do you expect her to be doing instead (and you said yourself that she’s still splitting chores 50-50)? Just because she’s spending her time resting now doesn’t mean she is not capable of pushing herself to take care of children when the time comes.
Also she’s right. Pets and children are not the same. She may not want to put in the effort for a pet but wants to put in the effort for a child. That’s perfectly normal.
I relate to this so much.
I have a child. Do I want a pet no?
It would be a lot of stress and workload.
That I do not want and don’t see having my the pet a benefit to my life, only more of a chore.
Another child? Absolutely!
I would love to have.
Because it’s something I want
the stress and workload of it gives immense payback that it makes it completely worth it imo.
Also if she wants children and you don’t, you should break up.
Honestly I tuned out quite a lot after “she wants kids, I don’t.”
Obviously this relationship isn’t the right one for either of you so it doesn’t really matter what she thinks about having pets
Kids are a 2 yes, 1 no situation. It is a fundamental incompatibility where there is no compromise. Like, you can’t halfway have a kid. If you are deeply sure you don’t want kids and she is deeply sure she does want kids, you will never make each other happy in the long run. Whichever way it goes, one will resent the other.
Dude. She wants kids in the next 5years and you don’t. Stop f-ing around. Break up and get a dog honestly. No one should get a pet if everyone isn’t on board and no one should procreate unless they are invested in being a parent.
Your pet vs children argument is really irrelevant, and I don’t think either of you are very logical since you seem to think you’re a great couple despite this glaringly obvious incompatibility.
What you are saying makes sense but consider getting a vasectomy if you think you’re serious about never wanting children.
Kids and pets are not the same thing. Pets are also work, yes, but they’re also primarily there for your enjoyment. Some people don’t want to choose that as the thing they spend their free time and money on. Kids are work that are a kind of investment in the future – little humans to mold and shape, someone to carry on your name and your values, people who will hopefully bring you joy and be a mutual safety net for literally the rest of your life. It’s a very different motivation for the hard work, and neither of you are being flawed in your logic.
In addition to the great comments here about how she’s willing to take on the extra work for kids but not for pets, remember that kids eventually grow up and become easier to take care of (at least physically). If you’ve ever had a senior dog, then you know the opposite is true.
If you know you don’t want kids then please don’t waste any more of this woman’s time by arguing about pets vs kids. Do the loving thing and free her (and yourself) to find someone who is one the same page.
You want a pet and not kids. She wants kids and not pets. You two are incompatible at a fundamental level and wasting each other’s time.
in a few years she will have children with someone else and you will wish it was you.
You need to break up.
She doesn’t plan to be working a job once she has kids.
I know too many stories of people getting a dog only to neglect and give it away a few years later after having kids. If your GF is sure she wants kids in the next 5y, not wanting to adopt a pet now is mature of her. Your ambitions for life are not compatible.
It’s not about who makes more sense. You both make your own sense because you both want different things. There’s nothing wrong with you never having children as well as there is nothing wrong with her for wanting children. The only thing that’s wrong here is it the both of you do not belong together PERIOD. THIS IS NOT AN ARGUMENT THAT ANYONE IS GOING TO WIN. You need to break up with her and find a woman that has no desire for children just like you, therefore you both will have this very important decision decision figured out. Is absolutely not fair at all to her for you to stay with her. If she wants children she is on a timeline and the longer she waits the more difficult and challenging and viable those births will be. So why don’t you be the selfless one and get out first.
It’s not about logic. You two want different things.
This relationship is not sustainable.
You’re both morons
You’re incompatible. This is definitely not the same thing. A child grows up to be an adult, your pet relies on you forever. It’s much easier to travel with a child than a pet. It’s totally different responsibilities and rewards.
You will 100% start to resent each other if you have kids together under your current circumstances.
You have fundamentally different goals. Break up.
Pets aren’t children no matter how much tiktokers call them such.
You can’t “logic” your way out of this. Nor will you convince her that having children is a bad idea because it’s illogical.
Instead of wasting her time and yours in a relationship that’s going nowhere, wish her luck and kids and let her go so she can have the family she wants and you can do what you want without kids. Holding onto this is knowing your position, is just cruel to stay together. Women don’t have the luxury of decades to figure out what they want or argue with their partner over having kids. Every week/month/year spent with you is time wasted not being with someone who wants the same life as she does.