My girlfriend (26F) and I (28M) have been together for 6 years. We get on well, we’re happy day-to-day, and I’d call her my best friend. We live together and our relationship works well in many ways.
But over the years, I feel the passion fading. I’ve always been affectionate and good at showing it, but she’s always struggled to find her “love language.” I know she loves me, but it’s frustrating to not fully feel it sometimes. I used to be more bothered by this, but I learned to live with it – until recently, when our bedroom intimacy has dropped even more. I’ve raised the issue a number of times, wanting us to work on it together, but the effort is one-sided. She’ll say the right things in the moment, then nothing changes. After repeated tries, I’m now reluctant and unenthusiastic, which is upsetting. I’d be more hopeful if I felt like we were actively working on this as a team and growing together.
I think we’re at a significant point in the relationship. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to marry (not a dealbreaker for me, but I think I would). She’s also not positive about having children – something I’m not ready for right now, but would at least like to imagine for the future. For me, this all adds up to a feeling that there’s no future mapped out for us. I need something big to work towards and grow together in lieu of marriage or kids…maybe that’s a big trip or adventure we can plan together.
We both like the idea of travelling, but she has a solo 3-month trip planned starting January. She’s set on going solo, which I respect; I’ve travelled alone before too and I recommended it to her but I’ve raised concerns about the timing. Being apart for 3 months will only accelerate these feelings I have right now, and after she returns, a longer joint trip would likely be postponed for years. I might be able to travel next year myself, but it would either be separate from her or only for a short time together.
At the same time, I’m going through a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I feel like I should have been more adventurous, spontaneous, met more people, and travelled more. Being close to 30 makes me feel like the chance to really shake up my life is shrinking. I’ve been researching working holiday visas for Australia and New Zealand (available until age 35) so I don’t have unlimited time. Reading about them excites me -I want to make memories and live a little.
Right now, I’m sitting on all these thoughts. If she suddenly became excited about our future and invited me to travel the world with her, I’d say yes without hesitation- but I know that’s not going to happen. She seems content just continuing as we are, and that worries me.
I’m leaning toward raising these thoughts at the end of the year and proposing we take a break to think about our future and the next few years. By then I’ll have thought more about Aus/NZ, and if she wanted to join me, I’d happily have her along. The 3 months she’s away feels like a natural opportunity for this, but if I raise it now, it could be tricky given we live together.
Wwyd?
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A sudden decrease of intimacy and being adamant on going solo on a months long trip. How are you handling not feeling suspicious that she’s not using this time apart to get her fix in for intimacy elsewhere?
You wanna continue growing and moving into the future, but she wants to remain sedentary where she’s at. I’m sorry to say that I agree with you. I hate to see a long relationship and but it’s not going anywhere. She’s happy and content with the current situation, but you’re not and life is too short.
first of all, you should’ve pressed on the “love language/showing love” thing, or left. What’s the point of a romantic relationship if you’re not loved?
And the bedroom is dead AND your views on marriage and kids are incompatible.
“being apart for 3 months will only accelerate these feelings” yeah this is how you feel about her being solo while you’re together.
So how do you think you’ll feel if you go on a “break”? It’ll just solidify the feeling you’re better off without her. just end it already. she doesn’t care about you. you’re a convenience not a priority
From your description it sounds like you are trying to avoid change but you also know that this isn’t the right person for you. She can be lovely and wonderful and also not the right person