I’m 26M with GF 26F struggling to navigate this tricky situation that has arisen 4 months into our relationship. My GF revealed to me that someone I thought was just a close friend of hers was infact someone she hooks up with when she is single. I’ve only found out now basically even after meeting them and hanging out with them unknowingly. This is a person they occasionally hang out with 1-1
She assures me that there is nothing there anymore and she is with me for a reason ect ect however that does not help at all as you can imagine and we talked about it again recently and I asked some deeper questions regarding the issue.
I asked why they stopped hooking up and she said because she is with me, so if we weren’t together that means that she probably still would she admitted. This really gets to me honestly because it means that they are still sexually attracted to each other surely and that’s not even including the close emotional connection they have being good friends. I feel like it’s normal to be annoyed by this and not some completely unhinged jealousy or insecurity.
if they were just friends I’d have no issue at all, I trust her completely. however, them hooking up before me really just makes this a relationship dynamic I cannot stand and feel like I only have 2 options. stick it out and try to get over it or leave the relationship. I don’t want to be controlling and tell her who she cannot be with and i rather not feel this way at all and just overwhelms me with negative emotion.
She admitted to me that she understands why I feel this way and try to ensure me it’s “not like that.” last time we spoke she said she wants to remain friends with them but with how I explained how uncomfortable the situation made me she later then said she will no longer be friends with him which makes me feel like a selfish asshole eventhough i feel like this dynamic has no place in a relationship.
so I’m just unsure what to do at all ive tried to get over it and trust her but i think im going to crack and break up with her but if she breaks off the friendship over my discomfort surely that would breed resentment within her despite making me feel better.
she later expressed regret in telling me as I’m taking it the wrong way.
tl;dr- gf revealed that her close friend is someone she hooks up with when single and still wants to remain friends in our relationship. I’m uncomfortable with it and she later said she will no longer be his friend if it really bothers me.
what should happen next?
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You tell her cut him off or you cut her off. That’s it no one else even needs to comment. You’re uncomfortable and rightfully so.
It certainly must be an awkward thought to know if there’s ever any issues in your relationship that you know exactly where she’ll go
Just break up.
You either have boundaries to preserve your own feelings and comfort and security in a relationship, or you don’t. You don’t want to be with someone who keeps backup sexual partners around, especially one who she admittedly would go back to if you broke up. It’s a fine boundary to have, as it creates a situation where one doesn’t feel like their partner is willing to make the room to develop a close connection with them because they won’t let go of others with whom they had a similar connection.
She says she would break off the friendship for the sake of your relationship, but then expressed regret as you’re “taking it the wrong way”. That’s manipulative code for “you aren’t cool with my bullshit, so I feel like I should have just kept the lie up, as obviously telling the truth doesn’t turn out the way I want it to.”
Don’t be with someone who makes you feel like a selfish asshole for a reasonable boundary. And don’t be with someone who basically tells you that they should have kept lying to you because the truth doesn’t work out in their favor. That’s the reality of being honest with a person, which is how you build and maintain trust in a relationship.
She should’ve never told you
Please take notice of her regret in telling you, not regret in her withholding the information from you, to me this is an important thing that speaks on who she is because this means she kept it from you on purpose and if she still thought you’d have an issue with it she wouild have continued lying by omission.
You deserved this information so you could make an informed decision on whether you wanted to be involved in this situation.
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What are you dating for? If you’re dating because you’re just out for fun, then maybe this is less of an issue because you’ll be fine if the relationship doesn’t last. But if you’re looking for something serious, then this isn’t a good situation.
I am a big believer that people need to change for themselves and not for others. Changing for other can lead to resentment.
If I’m in your position, I’d move on from her if you’re wanting a more serious, committed, long-term, monogamous relationship.
Look, man, she is 26 years old. She has to know very few men would be comfortable with these dynamics. That begs to why she didn’t cut him off without you saying anything. She had to know this was a fine line to walk. I would be leary of her from then on. I wish you luck in whatever direction you take.
I have a question… so she was hooking up with him just before you two got together.. so she was hooking up with him while you two were dating just before you two became a couple . Like when did it really stop ?
By her admission
Therefore
That would be a nope for me and I’d be out of that relationship instantly. You can’t police her friends, but you can control what relationship you want to be in.
Certainly they shouldn’t be going out without you there. Beyond that I think it’s just whatever you’re comfortable with as a boundary. Maybe her not telling you was to avoid an awkward situation or maybe she wanted to keep him around IDK but four months is still pretty early and she did tell you. You two try to adjust. Personally I think in FWB situations one wants a relationship but settles for FWB because the other one doesn’t
Honestly if she doesn’t cut off her FWB after getting in a relationship, it means that:
All in all not worth the hassle. You could force her to cut ties with her FWB, but that wouldn’t do anything. Just the fact that she doesn’t see a problem with seeing him and talking to him still is enough to show that she has poor judgement and questionnable values. For a long term relationship, those are two red flags that you shouldn’t skip over.
I don’t think she would actually break off her friendship with this guy, it’s likely she would say she has to you and then continue speaking to him in secret in order to keep him around in case things don’t work out with you.
Trust me I’ve been here before, if you’re not immediately comfortable with it you never will be and it’ll always get in the way of developing a deep connection between the two of you.
Make him your friend too. You can become friends with her ex. I have female friends I do 1 and 1 activities. We go to pinball arcade and hike, activities my wife has no interest. Key is I never do anything behind her back. And ask permission before we do anything. Wife knows my friends and occasionally we do things as a group of 3. She trusts me and I give her no reason not to. Depends on the people involved. Only you know comfort level, make your choice and live with choices. Force end of friendship and you may invoke resentment and create a problem you don’t need. Key: communication.
Oh man…..honestly brother you cant be with her. Not for the reason you think though. Now you can tske this how you’d like, but reality is, it is a bit of insecurity on your part. I am still friends, and still talk, to a few women that I used to be FWB with. And like your gf, we have an understanding. If any of us get into a relationship, then under no circumstance is there anything to interfere with that. We respect the boundaries, and if needed we do sort of go MIA from each other. But its not because we cant help ourselves and will have sex, its respect.
Now with that said, you can imagine where id stand when it comes to you telling her she cant be friends with him. You say you trust her, but honestly brother, you dont know if any guy shes had sex with before has talked to her, ran into her around town or was standing right next to you at the store. Just because she doesnt tell you her roster, nor should she, doesnt mean you’ve been around and/or interacted with others.
Now id be telling you to essentially have to mature up a bit. But from your post, this won’t work. My advice for you would be, for your next relationship, you need to leave the past alone and no asking questions if you cant handle the answers. I give her credit because she is honest and that honest communication, in my eyes, is much more valuable and important.
Strong relationships have strong borders. And a strong border is not having relationships with past lovers. Why do you consider yourself being an asshole and telling her that you don’t feel comfortable with him being there. He shouldn’t be there if she’s in a relationship with you, she shouldn’t be having a relationship with a former hook up
Damn these FWB problem posts are becoming way too common. When the hell did everyone decide to start having straight up no strings attached sex as the norm?
I’ve been taken a while but I don’t remember the frequency of this shit ever being this bad.
Like if the girlfriend’s “friend” is important to her, they are attracted to each other and apparently have good sex with each other, what is holding them back from actually dating?
OP I would nope out of that situation and the relationship. There are plenty of women out there that won’t put you in a position to deal with this bullshit drama. A relationship should feel like a safe home, not a hydroplaning car full of anxiety and stress.
She is his fallback plan. If you get in a fight, that’s where she’ll go. If you make up, then she will just say her friend was comforting her.
Odds are good she will hide her contact with him and continue it because she doesn’t want to lose her fallback plan due to you. She’s keeping him in her orbit for a reason.
Update me
Yeah I’m sure she would be fine with you staying friends with a former fwb 😂