Hey y’all, ik it’s probably hard for a lot of ppl to relate but I’m hoping I can get some advice. Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 3 years. We’re both actors, however she recently booked a life changing gig. She is on the rise and becoming extremely famous. I’m obviously keeping her identity a secret. I’m incredibly happy for her and it has been the experience of a lifetime, something I was never sure I’d be this close to. However I do have some concerns. I’m starting to feel a lot more insecure, I’ve always been so sure of us but I’ve had a lot more of these thoughts of not being good enough and that she’s secretly falling out of love with me. It’s difficult because I know she can have any guy she wants, and I’m feeling quite inadequate. There has been no noticeable change in our relationship (besides not seeing each other as often because of press and things like that). There’s really nothing to be worried about, but I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. I’ve brought them up to her and she assures me this isn’t the case, however it’s difficult seeing her be successful and I’m still living paycheck to paycheck, not booking gigs. It’s not because I’m not happy for her, it’s that I want to be successful FOR her. I don’t want to bring her down, but just feel like I deserve her. Again these thoughts have never come up in the 3 years we’ve been together. If anyone could offer some insight or clarity, especially when my brain is convincing me she’s cheating constantly, despite KNOWING she would never and is definitely not. But I wonder how much she entertains the thought of being with someone else. I’m not the most attractive guy, especially considering the people she’s around, but I’ve never cared about any of that. Anyways, I’d appreciate any perspective, thank you!
TL;DR: My girlfriend is becoming famous and I’m becoming insecure I’ll lose her, despite her actions saying she is still very much in love with me.
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Sounds like this boils down to jealousy and possible resentment.
If it makes you feel any worse you probably would have lost her regardless
You’re both actors whose trying to achieve their break.
She just happens to have a chance of making that a reality.
You can choose to sit here, drag her down, being nervous about it.
Or you can choose to support her through it and become someone whose in her corner rooting for her.
Of the two, which would would she’d likely prefer to see?
I assume its the one rooting in her corner for her.
So, become that.
Because if you start hitting her with jealousy and insecurities, that’s more likely how you will lose her.
Got to play the supportive side… If you start hitting her with:
>What about me? What if you meet a guy whose better? What if you forget about me?
That’s going to be a self fulling prophecy.
Her success is your success. Treat her out to a nice dinner and pop Champaign to celebrate. That’s how you should overcome it.
Your last two sentences are the biggest issues. You spend the whole time talking about how insecure you are and state twice that she’s told you there’s nothing to worry about. And yet you end with making a point about focusing on how often she’s thinking about leaving you.
You’re creating a self fulfilling prophecy where the constant need for reassurance will eventually push her away. And then you’ll say, “see!! Told you!!”. Stop focusing on the bad and focus on the good. Remember that she is with you and enjoys spending time with you. Focus on the good qualities you bring to the relationship, not the ones that you think she’s trying to fill with others
Feelings of inadequacy and low self worth are going to pop up in this kind of situation. These aren’t things you can’t just fix with advice. Some type of self improvement strategy is going to be required by you. There are books in these topics with strategies to overcome low self worth and therapy if it is available to you. That’s really the only answer, it’s going to require you improving yourself for yourself.
Karen Gillian posted a picture of her in Costume Make-Up and her husband doing couples counseling over zoom.
Obviously we don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship, but there’s no scandal around them. They seem happy on his channel. They’re doing the work to make room for open communication during a time when they might’ve felt apart.
This really just boils down to u mentally pushing down those thoughts, you can voice it out to her and let her know to remind u if anytime those thoughts arises turning into bad actions and it makes her uncomfortable, but other than that it’s just willpower to stop it. I had the same problem during my first year of my first relationship being insecure. It sucks but you have to get over it if u want the relationship to succeed.
Sounds like you could probably use some therapy to work through your feelings of inadequacy. You can’t stop the future and maybe you two aren’t meant to be together long term. Or maybe your feelings of inadequacy are causing you to self-sabotage.
I’m sure as things are rapidly changing for her in her life, she would appreciate you being a stabilizing force in her life. If things were opposite and you were getting her success, what would you have wanted from her? Unconditional love and support? A personal cheering squad? Not being saddled with guilt for your success?
Also, try to find ways to work on yourself so that you can show up for both of you. Forcing her to constantly reassure you whenever you have time together can get exhausting for anyone. Don’t forget to get some exercise.
If it were me, I’d prefer someone who was with me before I got famous that way I know that they love me for who I am. But ultimately I feel like this will a test of her character. Either she succumbs to fame and thinks she can “do better” or she sticks with someone who was with her before that and loves her for who she is, not her fame or status. It all boils down to that
I have a theater background. I’ve had lots of actor and director friends. I’ve been involved in casting several times.
I’m sure your gf is very talented and she’ll be wonderful in this role. But a lot of casting is about luck. Directors have a vision and it can have absolutely nothing to do with any actor’s talent. I’m sure you’ve not gotten cast or had many auditions because something about you, which you have no control over, has been a deciding factor.
Your gf is having great luck. Right audition, right agent, right director, right everything at the right time.
Keep at it. Besides, she now knows people. People you can get to know.
Definitely not the same thing but my sister got famous last year, we do a similar job (that she is recognized for) and are best friends. In the beginning I was worried she wouldn’t want to hang out with me as much, and I did feel some jealousy. But you adjust pretty quick. And honestly, your girlfriend’s success could end up benefiting you because you will be in the same spaces with her. You will have more people know who you are by default. I’m not recommending that you use her success especially in a selfish way. But there’s a solid chance it could happen naturally. Things like this come down to who you know a lot of the time.
Being honest with her about how you feel is important, but be careful not to let jealousy put a wedge in your relationship. You’re going to have to go through an adjustment period and being able to vent to a therapist on a regular basis might help