Sorry, last one got deleted.
TLDR: my (40m) Gf (37) met an ex for drinks away on a business trip in another country in January. Dated him when she was 18. Found out the next day she went for drinks but she never mentioned it was an ex, said just a mate. Quizzed her about it when she got back from after seeing a photo of them, still didn’t tell me it was an ex till I asked. Didn’t really accept any sense of wrongdoing until a week ago after I’ve started speaking to a therapist for trust issues in relationship and brought it up with her again. Help!
So, back in January, my (40m) gf (37) had a job in Australia for a couple weeks. Spoke to her one of the days from home (I’m in the UK) and it was 7am there. She was looking hungover, turns out she’d been out for drinks with a guy she went travelling with when she was 18. I was a bit taken aback but said no more. When she came back and we were talking about her trip, I asked to see her photos of the trip. She kinda froze up as I was looking through them and then I noticed a photo of her and the guy sitting at a bar together. Noticing her body language, later that day I brought it up about how she froze, and asked her about the guy. I asked her if she had been in a relationship with him and she said yes, I asked her if she had slept with him back then and she said yes. She told me it wasn’t a big deal, it was 18 years ago and it wasn’t as if she didn’t mean to tell me all the details. I told her how it made me feel and this became an argument. She said in a raised voice “what do you want me to say, do you want me to say sorry?” And I was like yes, then she said “okay I’m sorry then” I felt like this totally negated my feelings and made me feel bad for feeling like my trust had been betrayed. Cut forward to last week. I’ve started to see a therapist for guess what, trust issues and it came up in conversation again. Once again she got defensive and said “If I never told you for fear of your reaction then that sounds like it’s a you problem”. The next day I pulled her up and asked to go for a walk to discuss. She mentioned straight away that she shouldn’t have said that, it was in the heat of the moment. I can’t remember if she said sorry or not. She then admitted it was a shitty thing to do to not tell me about it prior to it happening or to only admit it was an ex when questioned. I told her she betrayed my trust. She also said though that she didn’t tell me in advance as we were just back together and she knew if she told me it could affect us, but she also said she would’ve gone regardless of what I said. I’m really struggling right now to understand what is real and what’s not. With her reaction to it and seeming so flippant about it back in January I feel like for 5 months or so I’ve been feeling bad for feeling betrayed. It’s only know that I feel she has taken any responsibility for it. We ended up having a big argument wkd just past involving alcohol. Everything came to a head where she ended up having a go at me for not trusting her. I completely lost my shit and started shouting at her about her not even knowing the meaning of trust. We’ve only just got in touch today about it all, and we meet next week. She told me she felt really scared when I shouted aggressively at her and tbh, I’m not proud of my reaction but I was flabbergasted at her even using my lack of trust as a weapon against me. I’m not sure I see a way back for us tbh.
Comments
Sorry too long to read but meeting your x for coffee is what you do when you want to check in see how they are and wish them well. Meeting for drinks is what you do when you’re open to hooking up with them again.
Just break up for your own sanity. This is so toxic.
“..using my lack of trust as a weapon against me.” the ultimate gaslight.
I think it’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth it.
She’s for the streets, sorry you had to find out this way.
people who straight away get angry in defence are usually hiding something, also the fact she said she would of gone regardless of how you felt about it should say enough. her dismissive attitude & refusal to see how wrong she is will never change. she will probably try to twist the situation back to make you look like the bad guy by saying you shouldn’t of shouted and that will be all she’ll talk about next week. sounds like narcissistic behaviour. i would run.
Seriously leave now while you still have your sanity. I had a toxic ex and its years of damage.
End it.
She fucked him and then she tried to hide it from you and gaslight you. When that didn’t work she tried apologizing but she clearly isn’t sorry at all.
If she wanted to meet up and be social, they’d have gone for coffee. Out for drinks to the point where she’s hungover the next day is hookup shit. You’re letting her get away with murder here OP. I wouldn’t waste one more day on a woman who snuck around to meet up with an ex while on vacation. You cannot possibly trust this person.
I know there’s a fire here somewhere, but I can’t see it for all the red smoke.
There’s just too many signs, 7 AM still drunk/hung over on a business trip, the night after she “hung out with her ex“ that she tried really hard not to tell you about.
Freezing up when you asked to no see the photos of her trip? Why? What photos could she possibly be worried about if there was nothing to hide?
While it is possible that nothing untoward happened, there are too many signs that something happened.
I won’t say that this is definitely break up material, but it’s definitely not forget about it material.
This is textbook manipulation and gaslighting. She went and got drinks with him and probably fucked him too, and guess what? She blamed it on you under the guise of having “fear” of telling you.
She probably never meant to tell you any of this but had to because you found a picture on her phone, so she found a way to blame it on you for not “trusting” her.
I recently had a breakup and she blamed it on me for ‘questioning her character’ when I confronted her about a situation while in fact she was trying to date one other guy at the same time. Don’t buy that shit.
She didn’t tell you she was going for drinks alone with a guy.
She then didn’t tell you the guy was an ex.
She then got mad at you for not trusting her, when she lied to you.
Now she’s making the conversation to your reaction to her dismissal of you instead of the action she took.
If there was nothing to hide, she would have said. “hey, i’m going out to catch up with a guy, we dated like 20 years ago, just letting you know and i’ll hit you up when i get back in”
I’m not saying something happened with them. but if it did, this is probably how someone would try to hide it and respond when confronted
Your reaction is completely appropriate