My gf she is beautiful, has a really nice body, she is good at sex, I love her. I have nothing bad to say about her appearance or personality, she is completely my type, 2.5year realtionship.
Problem is: I cannot have have sex with her most of the time. The problem is not my libido either, nor have I exceptional stress that is a burden on me. Thing is, she is loving me in a very childish way and that all the fcking time, no breaks ever. And this kills any sexual feeling for her that I have in the moment, and now I am starting to resign and resent.
For example, the baby voice. I think guys know what I am talking about, it is the voice women use when talking to babies and animals. She says things like “ohhh, you are so beautiful”; or when we are in bed and she puts out my penis from my pants, baby voice “look who is hereeeeee”. This just kills it. This is neither the time nor place to do this, but even adressing it, getting angry, stopping whatever we are doing – it just goes on and on and on. And I cannot not be affected. Btw, I think it would be highly concerning if this would actually work on turning me on. Getting aroused by children’s voices, nononono, whoever like that should not get too close to schools.
Whenever I try to treat her more flirty, mature or teasing, she almost always falls back immediately in this energy. Any approach ist getting one-shot and I even if I try to push through, it stays. I just can’t do this. “Just put it in” is her most imfamous quote.
Further, as this behaviour is basically still a expression of love, I do not blame her and I feel bad for shutting it down. It comes from a good place, but completely fucks up the relationship dynamic. Further, the other hand she and I feel bad when she tried to “initate” sex. that consists of just touching my penis or undressing and lying on bed and waiting for me to move – but in a kinda passive, childish way.
Adress some comments in advance:
– “I have to accept her like this because this is how she expresses her feelings”, first, I do not believe that this is a solid character trait because things have been much different the first 1.5 years and she can be COMPLETELY different. This behaviour sneeked into our relationship and I thought it was ok and at some point it just took over. Now it is everywhere in the relationship. Further, I am no rare example, I see this in relationships quite often and the man just tries to roll with it somehow. I do not want this though.
– It’s not like she lacks motivation, she really is attracted to me a lot (that she expresses in that ways again …). She does want to have sex with me and she is deeply hurt that we do not have sex.
– Normal, but not deadly boring life, e.g. we are going out, bars, restaurants, trips. No boredom of each other.
– I am not new to women, I have been around the block and I do know how to initatie successfully and push the right buttons. Same buttons now make baby noises unfortunately.
I am out of ideas and I want to find a more positive and productive way to treat her. I still think that I am as responsible for the state we are in as I silently co-signed that behaviour and let the it all take over before I recognized it. Further I am aware that women can and do respond to a man’s energy quite well, so me taking action is the right thing to do, just “talking about things” did not do nothing.
So, what I am asking for here is: I am more battling with myself and getting resentful, so any comments on how to keep me positive and keep going productively would be nice. Second, I am happy for any advice on how to treat her when “baby voice” comes up, like in the moment, by text and long term. Last, imo there should be a time and place for her be like this because it makes her happy after all, right? Or am I mistaken there completely. (I asked her to just save it up for after sex)
TL:DR gf acts out her love in a childish way, it’s driving me crazy and I cannot have sex with her.
Comments
Dating is just a job interview, it’s not a lifelong community you put a ring on it (and even then, if they change or do something unacceptable, it’s still not a lifelong commitment).
Dating is just try outs. She’s the wrong fit for you. End of.
Just tell her (when you’re not having sex) “the baby voice is a massive turn off. I’m not into children.”
And then, if you’re getting physical and she talks in the baby voice, “we’ve talked about this. The baby voice is a turn off.” And then stop all activity. No sex, no cuddling, no physical contact at all.
Same goes for if she uses the baby stuff in non-sexual situations. “I don’t want to be spoken to in this babyish way and I won’t respond to it.”
Stop thinking you have to put up with it in any situation “because it makes her happy.” You don’t. It’s fucked up and you are allowed to refuse to play along.
I know this is going to absolutely blow your mind:
Talk to her. Tell her that you don’t like the baby voice. Tell her it is crushing your sex drive, etc.
You can be truthful and tactful without being a dick. You’re both too old to not have an adult conversation about something like this.
Have the conversation and go from there.
That’s definitely a tough spot to be in, and I really sympathize with you. It’s clear you care deeply about this girl—after all, you’ve stuck it out for a year, baby voice and all. I honestly think open communication is your best path forward.
You might approach it one of two ways:
Sit her down and gently say there’s something important you’d like to talk about regarding your relationship.
Or, when she uses the voice, pause and let that be the starting point for a conversation.
I’ll be honest—I’m as non-confrontational as they come, so something like this would really push me out of my comfort zone. But every time I’ve felt something this strongly, I’ve found it worth speaking up.
My wife and I are coming up on 10 years together this August, and I truly believe communication is what got us here. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential.
I can tell you want this relationship to work, so be as honest as you can while still being kind. I really hope she hears you, and that you both find a way forward that feels good. Happy holidays to you both—and all the best, my friend.
It reads like you’re judging her, which is common but also problematic e.g. “she is loving me in a childish way”. She doesnt “completely fuck up the relationship dynamic”, you’re reaction to her response is what is fucking it up for you. Someone else might not respond in this way. This is a problem for you and you need to address that without pointing the blame at her. Then you can move forward and try and negotiate something with her once you acknowledge this.
It is common to be judgemental, it’s pretty natural and social, but it is also problematic as it reflects a lack of empathy for the other. If you can find a place in your relationship where you’re able to try and understand where this baby voice behaviour is coming from, without judgement, without thinking it’s childish or whatever, then I would say you’re one step in the right direction.
Once that’s done, if you can have an open and honest, non judgemental conversation with her I think this could solve a lot of your issues. Try not to point the finger and instead relate it back to the issues you are having. Something like “when we’re in bed and we start getting intimate, you start speaking in a high pitched voice and I begin to feel conflicted because it doesn’t turn me on”. Ask her why she does it, be mature and honest, talk it out. Honest communication is a key skill to maintaining any relationship, take this opportunity to learn how to improve it.
Hope this helps!
“Further I am aware that women can and do respond to a man’s energy quite well”
This isn’t a thing btw. A man’s “energy” and women “responding to it” is not a thing that exists…not even sure what you mean by this, in fact, it actually makes me want to listen to you less because it makes you seem arrogant. Women respond to good energy, not “a man’s energy.” Lmfaoooo