Girlfriend (21F) goes through a cycle where she wishes she was a gay man, I (21M) want to support her but am straight. How do I go about this if I love her as a woman but want to respect her wishes if she ever chooses to transition?

r/

Hi all,

My Girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 2 years, and in that timeframe, she has expressed some desire to be a gay man or transition, though this typically only lasts for a few weeks or so (that I am aware of). I love her very much, but whenever she talks about this I get immensely afraid.

I want to support her and make her feel loved, but I know deep down that if she transitioned and we continued dating I’d never fully be able to see and respect her as a man, because I am straight and want to date and marry a girl.

That being said, every time one of us brings up the topic of transitioning, she likes to stop delving into it deeply because she herself doesn’t like thinking about it. I don’t know what to do really, I am not sure if this is a cyclical phase that will just keep coming and going or if she really does deep down wish to transition and is afraid of that for multiple reasons (family, fear of me leaving, etc.)

I’m not really sure if I should let this lie, because in the past when I have she typically moves on and we go about life as normal. But if she doesn’t, I know the best thing I can do is break up, because that, right now, is the only way I see myself fully seeing her as a man and not trying to convince myself I’m still in a heterosexual relationship. Is there anything I should do right now? Or just count on us moving past this? I’ve been really afraid

Comments

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  2. maddsskills Avatar

    Your partner can’t control their gender any more than you can control your sexual orientation. Neither one of you should have to be someone you’re not or pretend to be attracted to someone you’re not. You can love one another and just not be compatible.

  3. arcgisonline Avatar

    It sounds like you might be incompatible. If she needs to transition, it’s likely she’s going to be extremely miserable if she doesn’t. Also, if you stay for a partner through transition, that’s a huge commitment (from personal experience) and it will probably dominate your lives initially. If she’s transitioning while with a partner, that partner has to not only be supportive but be excited for her, and that partner will need to be attracted to her presentation post-transition. If that doesn’t sound realistic to you for your relationship it probably isn’t.

  4. bipedalferret Avatar

    internalized misogyny lol tell her to get therapy

  5. SabresBills69 Avatar

    She should see counseling on this.  

    There are yo factors here

    How does she define herself and what is she attracted to?

  6. PickASwitch Avatar

    Break up. That’s how you respect her. If she wants to be a man, you tell her you are straight and want a woman, so since she’s now a man, your relationship is over. 

    I’d end it now, honestly. The longer you stay, the more painful it’ll be. Your relationship is not stable. She’s expressed the desire to be a man multiple times. Wish this person well on their journey and walk. 

  7. Cultural_Shape3518 Avatar

    Tell her you know confronting this in any depth scares her, but it’s come up enough at this point that you really think she ought to explore it with a therapist who has experience helping people sort through gender identity stuff, because trying to just sweep it under the rug and carry on with the status quo clearly isn’t working.

    Ultimately, though, if you want someone who’s definitely 100% guaranteed to stay a cisgender female, I think you’re probably better off letting her (him? them?) go figure out who she really is without feeling the pressure of needing to please yet another person who doesn’t have to live in her body, and find someone who’s already secure and comfortable with who she is.

  8. Specialist-Host-4707 Avatar

    Well, she’s not a gay man, she’s a very confused woman. Being 21 and then that particular age group, this is more of a fan than anything else most likely. Otherwise, even though it’ll probably do no good, maybe she should try some counseling.You’re stuck with the sex that you’re born as regardless of what anyone else says. You can change it with surgery, but your DNA doesn’t care.

  9. Queasy-Doughnut-5512 Avatar

    Ahhh I wish I could comment without getting banned. I think you know yall are not compatible it’s best to leave now it truly is the best thing. You’re a straight man that want to be with a straight woman that’s okay and what she wants is okay as well shake hands and stay friends if you can

  10. Past_Raccoon2629 Avatar

    I would sit down with her and have a conversation about this, tell her if she wants to transition that you support her but that you are not gay and will not be able to be in a romantic relationship with her but you can be friends.

    I would also suggest that she speak with a therapist about this, maybe it can help her figure out what she really wants.

  11. National-Coyote3067 Avatar

    Just have anal sex with her. Maybe that will help.

  12. Tremenda-Carucha Avatar

    It’s important to recognize that while you want to support her, if your core values and desires don’t align with hers in a way that can be sustained long-term, it might be healthier for both of you to part ways before the emotional strain becomes too much.

  13. WearCertain7817 Avatar

    Honestly this is above your pay grade. Cause you don’t know if she’s actually trans or has internalized misogyny or has an odd fetish for MLM/ BL content. Personally you’re too young to be dealing with this and I’d just break it off so your gf can find themselves and be who they truly are or work through their issues.

  14. allergymom74 Avatar

    People like to say personality makes the relationship. It’s a huge part of it. But if you’re straight. You’re straight. If she’s a gay man. She’s a gay man.

    I dated many guys who looked great on paper. But something was missing. It’s just is that way sometimes. It would be great if everyone was pansexual, but they aren’t. There is a reason pansexual is a an entirely different categorization of sexuality. Because it is.

    If she does decide she’s a gay male, tell him (yes, intentionally changing the genders) you will support him. Use proper gendered terms. Have his back. But you can’t date him because you’re not a gay man.

    You say she’s really struggling with this. She needs to start with talking to her primary care doctor and getting transitioned to the right people. They will further assess her mental health to help her sort through what is going on. Is it physical and something treatable like a hormone or endocrine related condition? Is it depression or another mental health condition? Is it body dysmorphia? Is it gender dysmorphia?

    The doctors can help guide her. Despite popular fear mongering, no one is going to push her to go from her thoughts to surgery without legitimate assessments. A good doctor will do a thorough health assessment and get them to where she needs to be.

  15. Azerate2016 Avatar

    She seems very confused about very fundamental things. It’s a hard situation when somebody you love is like that. I understand it’s hard to just leave, but unless she stops that clown show you really should, or you’re signing up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

  16. captainkaiju Avatar

    This is an incompatibility issue and you should treat it as such.

    Let her know that you hear her and you want her to feel comfortable in her own body, but that you are straight and if she chose to transition you would want to support her as a friend instead of a partner.

  17. phwark Avatar

    She’s fetishizing gay culture. Not uncommon among young women who are uncomfortable with straight dynamics. Does she have OCD? Tell her it’s cultural appropriation and needs to stop.

  18. T00narmy1 Avatar

    Here’s my take: You’re 21. You’re not looking to marry this person. You’re young, you’re dating and if you care about this person and enjoy spending time with them and these periods of time don’t really affect anything except giving you pause for the future – I would let it be. This person is clearly figuring things out and MAY or MAY NOT end up feeling a need to transition in the future. If you’re starting to think about settling down, getting engaged, etc – then thinking about what may or may not happen in the future is a little more understandable. Right now, all of that is irrelevant because she HAS NOT transitioned, and you ARE NOT looking to get engaged, get really serious, or settle down.

    Now, obviously your comfort level comes first. If you are not comfortable in the relationship anymore, just end it kindly as it’s not working for you. But if you’re just hung up on what MIGHT happen, my advice is to not worry about it until it’s actually an issue.

  19. Geoden13 Avatar

    Maybe she has some kind of gender dysphoria that would be best dealt with by medication and therapy? You said it yourself in one of your comments below.

    She admitted that she doesn’t even think transitioning will help her. This goes deeper, I dont think she is trans if she is saying things like that.

    She’s just desperate for help, and all you can do is guide her to the right places to get it.

    You need to lay down the ground rules right here though, if she does decide to transition then you’re gonna leave, no hard feelings, just life.

    Partners often delude themselves into thinking their partner will be with them no matter what, this is clearly a dealbreaker to you. Make sure she understands that before she decides anything.

  20. writerinthedarkmp3 Avatar

    if your partner can’t be happy as a woman, and you can’t be happy with a man, there’s no happy ending here for the two of you together. if they transition, even if you pretend to respect their gender, you will lose attraction as they look more and more masculine. breaking up will be more painful the longer you spend in this relationship, and it will be more painful for your partner if it happens while they’re in the midst of a difficult transition. if you love this person and want to be supportive, perhaps you can end the relationship amicably and remain a good friend.

  21. moonandsunandstars Avatar

    I don’t like to go here but do you notice that it happens a certain time every month? Or that it happens in times of high stress? Could it be that she feels self conscious and thinks that changing her appearance would help? I wouldn’t jump to breaking up just yet but she does need to see a therapist. That being said if she refuses to see a therapist I’d cut your losses

  22. Rikutopas Avatar

    If this keeps coming up for her, then she needs therapy to sort through her feelings and uncertainty. You can’t do that therapy for her, but if you love her you can certainly encourage her to look for it.

    Given her uncertainty about this fairly fundamental part of herself, and how it is making you anxious, you and she are not compatible right now. You can break up with her without losing your “supportive friend” card if you make it clear that you understand that she is not doing this “to” you but living with this uncertainty is not good for your mental health

    People can be two good people who love one another a lot but are just not good together. It happens all the time.

  23. Sneezydiva3 Avatar

    End it now. You are incompatible. You are young, and you will fall in love again. The longer you wait the more it will hurt—for both of you.

  24. Beneficial_Opening13 Avatar

    I think she might have gender dysmorphia and might be sexually confused too, I had a gf like this , honestly had to cut the relationship short cos as she talked about it more the more I realised this isn’t for me. As much as I respect her it wasn’t what I was looking for or wanting to deal with , we wasnt compatible