I (24M) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for a few years, and we are currently in a long-distance relationship. We’ve lived together before, and I love her deeply. I try to support her emotionally, financially, and mentally. We’ve always worked through things as a team, but lately I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Whenever I go out, whether it’s a family event, hanging out with friends, or a celebration like a recent local fiesta, she expects me to be instantly reachable at all times. She wants me to always answer calls immediately, keep my phone on me constantly, and update her about what I’m doing regularly.
Example: during our recent event at house, I was busy entertaining guests at home. I didn’t check my phone for a while, and when I did, I saw several missed calls and messages from her. She wanted me to do something for her, which I did as soon as I saw the messages. But later that night, she stayed cold with me, and when I tried to reach out again, she was still clearly upset that I didn’t respond earlier.
She told me she feels I’ve become inconsistent and that she needs to be my top priority even when I’m outside or with others. She’s said I used to message more, and now that I don’t, she feels like I care less.
She’s also mentioned fears of losing me, saying things like “maybe I’m too much” or “maybe I’m just overreacting.” She recently shared she wants to go back to school, so I understand she’s feeling a lot of pressure right now and probably wants extra reassurance, but I’m also starting to feel emotionally drained from trying to be constantly available.
I’ve explained that I still love her, I’m not ignoring her, and I just want to be fully present when I’m with other people too. But it feels like that’s never enough. If I don’t answer right away, there’s tension.
My question is: how do I set healthy boundaries around communication when I’m out, while still making her feel secure in the relationship? I want us to meet halfway, but I don’t know how to frame it so she doesn’t feel like I’m pushing her away.
Any advice or similar experiences would really help.
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You basically have a talk with her and tell her she has to trust you or the relationship will never work. Everyone has insecurity at some point but you can’t hold that against you where you have to make sure they always feel secure. Communication is the first step then action is the second step.
It sounds as if she is very insecure and needy. You’ve already discussed the boundaries with her and she hasn’t listened. If it were me, I’d simply be turning my phone off while I’m with other people. She can either deal with it or not.
I don’t know how to frame it so she doesn’t feel like I’m pushing her away.
If you try too hard to normalize this, or put it “nicely”, the message won’t get across. Clearly, she doesn’t trust you, but that isn’t the only problem here. She’s being clingy. This is probably your 1st adult relationship, so you may not see it, but it isn’t healthy.
Talk to her. Stay polite and kind, but not at the expense of being open and honest that this is stifling.
I was pretty shocked, to be honest, when my husband started wanting that too. After years together, I thought we were past all this constant contact stuff. It’s tough. You want them to know you’re thinking of them, but not at the expense of your own life. And honestly, it can get exhausting trying to keep up with it all the time. So, I get where you’re coming from.
Op, when she says she is afraid of losing you, just tell her she is pushing you away with these communication requirements. Then start with your boundaries talk.