Am I being reasonable for considering break up because my girlfriend has started smoking?
A bit of context, I (27M) started dating the gf (25F) over a year ago. She did not smoke back then, and I wouldn’t want to date a smoker in general since I feel like it’s pretty disgusting and self-destructive. However, in recent months, she started a new job that is a bit more stressful, and has started taking smoking break with colleagues. I told her that I do not like this at all. She should be mindful of her health, and this is a slippery slope towards a lifetime of addiction and health consequences. It seems really stupid to even start. She told me that I don’t understand her and that smoking breaks really help with her job (waitress). I argued that just for a momentarily relief for her job/money, she’s setting herself for a much bigger issue. She doesn’t buy this argument.
Honestly, while I like her very much, it has been a complete turnoff in this aspect. I understand that it is her life and her choices. She can do what she wants, and I should not be controlling.
In the end, I mentioned to her that, it’s pretty much a deal breaker – I will not date a smoker, she can do with whatever she wants with this information. Obviously she is pretty upset. Not sure if I’m being too harsh and whether I am being reasonable?
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That is 100% fair and valid of you.
Definitely valid of you, I wouldn’t want to date a smoker either.
As a former smoker, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Not only does it stink, but it has a massive impact on a person’s overall health and mood. I say make your feelings clear, but you can’t force her to change and may need to accept that she’d rather smoke than date you.
Current smoker, you’re being perfectly reasonable. This shit is terrible , and if she never did it before , there’s no reason to start now.
Would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
I once dated someone who secretly started smoking, and I could smell it when they exhaled. Literally never wanted to be close to them again.
I do smoke while my boyfriend do not, and we’re being together for 10 years.
I’m a healthy person honestly, I’ve seen many non smokers in worse condition than me 😅
Anyway, knowing that he does not smoke, i carefully smoke only outside and brush my teeth soon after. We didn’t have much trouble, and let me tell you, i know a lot of people who quit smoking without problems, so i wouldn’t be too worried for a “lifetime” addiction.
Of course it’s your choice, this is just my opinion, wanted to let you know that it can work anyway.
I think that you should do whatever you think is right.
You are justified. Smoking is a huge dealbreaker for a lot of people. It’s a terrible habit and there are absolutely no pros to it.
When I met my now husband, he smoked. I told him I couldn’t date a smoker when things began to get on with us. He quit within a couple of weeks.
As a cigarette smoker I understand and respect people’s boundaries when it comes to smokers.
I personally think you’re being very valid in regard to wanting to end things especially since you were clear it’s a deal breaker.
I think perhaps this response is a bit unreasonable I am an ex smoker/vaper and I’ve dated men who didn’t smoke and I am always mindful of the way I smell and not smoking around them as it’s gross to make out with a cigarette. I just think a little compassion and digging deep for your emotional intelligence is in store here. I understand your looking out for her in terms of her health and I can only imagine this is because you genuinely care, so why not extend that to her in understanding, empathy and compassion, clearly she’s dealing with a difficult work situation and we all deal with things differently I mean if you see her moving on to crack cocaine to deal with her stress well perhaps there’s more of an issue there but maybe it’s temporary, give it some time, Empathy and compassion.
smoking is one of the worst things you can do. you’re being perfectly reasonable here
If my waitress/waiter stinks of cigarettes, I’m tipping less because it’s gross and puts off my appetite.
It’s also perfectly fine to not want to date a smoker and deal with the consequences wirh them later.
This is a thousand percent valid. My ex smoked, and I lived with him. The whole house eventually smelled like smoke, and they put their cigarettes out wherever. In addition to being completely disgusting, you will be breathing that in and it won’t be good for you. Tell her to put her butts out or get her butt outta your life.
She’s seems to be trying to manage her stress. Maybe you can act like a real partner and help her figure out better ways to manage stress that aren’t so damaging to her health. Or I guess dump her for smoking while she’s not even around you. Up to you which type of man you want to be.
Totally reasonable. She maybe doing it to socialise. Talk through how she can still go for a break with friends but not smoke. If she won’t do that explain your feelings. I’ve never smoked but have cancer in my airways – the idea someone would CHOOSE this is mad
Deal breaker. The only good thing about it is the Phillip Morris stock I own is killing it this year. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!
I think you should break up with her, not because she smokes, but because she started at age 25. She’s clearly an idiot.
I smoke, but I started at age 12, when it’s normal to be an idiot. I was addicted before I had a fully developed frontal lobe.
Just be straight up with her. Tell her if she continues your done. She can find other ways to deal with stress. Sounds to me like it is more about fitting in with her work friends.
I get it. I used to date a smoker. When she would try to kiss me after smoking I would tell her to go brush her teeth and use mouth wash because ittastes disgusting. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me other than in those instances. Bit it sounds like it is to you.
You don’t need a reason to not want to be with her anymore. Just tell her I don’t want to be with you anymore. Bam end of story.
And if waitressing is that stressful to her, imagine if you had kids down the road with her? Whew!
I quit 22 years ago. My husband (then new bf) told me he didn’t want to kiss a smoker.
And I liked kissing him.
Yeah yuck, totally a deal breaker. Apart from the health aspect, everything stinks, it’s disgusting and a complete turn off. If my partner of over 10 years all of a sudden started smoking or vaping, I’d break up. I grew up in a household of smokers and even I smelled gross, all of my stuff stunk, it was just nasty.
You have to understand who’s influence she is under to start smoking
He must be a huge influence on her and then decide if you want to know the rest
Leave now with your head held high
Could you encourage her to vape instead? Better for her (relatively) and there’s a huge variety of fruity tasty ones. It would at least not smell as bad and be as bad for your skin, hair, nails, etc. I can understand your dislike of smoking
I almost didn’t keep reading after the first sentence because the answer is so obvious. Yes, it is perfectly reasonable for a nonsmoker to break up with a partner who has taken up smoking. You find it disgusting and a huge turnoff, and it’s all but impossible to maintain a relationship with someone who disgusts you. Not taking up smoking seems like such a no-brainer that if she is that unwise enough to do it, I have to wonder what other obviously unwise and problematic behaviors from her you would have to look forward to in the future if you stayed with her. Waitresses don’t make a ton of money to beginning with, and in the current economic climate of unaffordable living, you don’t need a partner who is pissing away money on cigarettes. Life throws enough problems at us without knowingly creating more, which is what your partner is doing by greatly increasing her risk of major health problems. For the last 15 years, I’ve been watching a friend have to tend to the long, slow, physical decline of a smoker spouse with COPD. It isn’t pretty. Then there’s the extra years they will be widowed due to smokers’ decreased lifespan. Also, not an example you want to set for potential future children.
If you can’t cope with your job without taking drugs, legal or not, then it’s time to find a different job. No job is worth your relationship, your health, or your life. If she is not willing to give up something as trivial as cigarettes for you, then how good of a relationship do you even have if cigarettes are more important to her that you? I gotta say, you found yourself a rare one. The vast majority of smokers take up the habit before the age of 21.
I never ever comment on this thread to dump somone immediately, but here i am: Dump her, immediately.
If someone it moronical enough to start smoking at this day and age there are no relationship material. No matter if ahe quits now, it’s done, she has shown her true colours as a weak person.
Sorry, but it’s good you’re only losing a year now.
I don’t blame you, I don’t think I’d want to date a smoker either. I have a feeling that she is easily influenced by people around her and started smoking because her co workers do it.
Him starting smoking is one of the few reasons I’d immediately divorce my husband.
No, i don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and I think smoking is a really divisive habit that’s INCREDIBLY habit forming. But also, before she gets really accustomed to smoking, you should show some concern. I know everyone needs an income, but if her job stresses her out so much, shouldn’t she consider changing her job? I know we often talk about drug use as a choice, but it sounds like she might be working in a super stressful environment. Or maybe you can pack her a snack or some other distressing treat that she can have during her breaks instead…?
You are being reasonable for… I guess you can say “living your choices”?
I don’t think your approach to this with your girlfriend was the best, but I think you did do fairly well in giving her the information about your thoughts and feelings.
Regarding her response, I don’t think you need to expect “reasonable” and “addiction” to pair together well. I’m sorry she has begun this, and I hope the best for each of you (separately, of course).
It’s totally reasonable for smoking to be a dealbreaker. It is for a lot of people (myself included.) You’ve told her you don’t date smokers, that’s your boundary. If she can’t respect that then it is not only reasonable but smart for you to leave her. You’re not forcing her to quit, so she shouldn’t expect you to force yourself to be okay with something that totally disgusts you. Stand your ground and move on.
It’s totally reasonable for smoking to be a dealbreaker. It is for a lot of people (myself included.) You’ve told her you don’t date smokers, that’s your boundary. If she can’t respect that then it is not only reasonable but smart for you to leave her. You’re not forcing her to quit, so she shouldn’t expect you to force yourself to be okay with something that totally disgusts you. Stand your ground and move on.
To go from non smoker, to smoke breath, and smokey clothes. Definitely a deal breaker if not reversed asap.
I quit a decade ago, and even as a smoker, I knew it was stupid. I certainly know it now, and still get the odd “fuck, shit, bugger, bullocks, give me a cigarette” moment.
You’re not being unreasonable.
Totally reasonable. Smoking is a hard-line dealbreaker for me.