Me 27M and my girlfriend 27F. Around 1.5 years together.
Me and my girlfriend get on very well, we have fun. And we spend a fair of time together. She has friends who she sees fairly often. And whenever she goes out I just say “have fun” and let her do her thing.
But when I want to go out it becomes a massive deal. I go out maybe 3 times a year. I need to tell her in advanced, because I know her reaction. She will typically go dead silent until I pry her for her thoughts.
She will cry, and panic typically saying the phrase “I just can’t do this” or “I’m shit at relationships, it’s not fair”
She gets super worried that I’m going to cheat (mostly because her exs did the same) but then she will tell me she trusts me and knows I won’t. But she doesn’t trust other girls.
It always turns into a long session of trying to reassure her, then a few days after of trying to reassure her even more because she freaked out so much.
Every other relationship I’ve never had this issue, and it’s starting to become a bit frustrating. I’ve never cheated and never will. But I want to hang out with my friends once in a blue moon and not feel guilty when doing it.
I’m feeling pretty lost and could use some guidance on what to do?
Edit: few more points I missed. When I say go out I mean specifically a pub. I don’t club, don’t do drugs. I keep her updated during the night and text back around 30-60 minute mark
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What do you mean “go out”? You only go out to eat or to a bar 3 times a year?
My ex and I just set up some ground rules for how to work with her anxiety. What I mean by that is we a) talked about what was a fair compromise so that if I wanted to go hang out with people, and we knew she would overthink things, she would just say something like “thank you for telling me” and then go talk to her people or do what she needed to do in order to process her feelings and then b) what seemed reasonable which was I would shoot her a text updating her every once in awhile.
Since this is a pattern, ya’ll gotta talk about a) what you, as her partner, can do to make sure that you’re not expanding your bandwidth and b) she’s getting the help she needs to help her with her anxiety.
“But when I want to go out it becomes a massive deal. I go out maybe 3 times a year. I need to tell her in advanced, because I know her reaction. She will typically go dead silent until I pry her for her thoughts.”
I suggest in this scenerio that if you go out, you tell her in advance, then that’s all you can do. Now you two can talk about what she needs if you tell her that you’re going out. Again, what’s a fair and reasonable ask and what is something she can do.
I’d break it off though if you’ve already talked it through a few times and she’s still putting you through the wringer over it. Terrible to say but I hope it’s actually caused by trauma – and not projection.
She is controlling. It isn’t going to get any better unless she has some serious therapy. It might get worse.
Ask her if she’d be open to therapy. Perhaps meeting your friends would help (but it my experience, no matter how inclusive they are to her, it might not).
She needs therapy like yesterday. Maybe couples counseling as well to let you express your frustration in a healthy space.
Because her control over you doing normal things is not okay.
Therapy. She seems to recognize it too since she says shes shit at relationships.
Only way to help it tho is therapy
She’d make a pretty ex girlfriend
This is a her problem, not a you problem, but I appreciate you want to help her work through this.
Unfortunately, I’ve been in your position twice.
You start by asking if there are any REASONABLE steps you can take to make her more comfortable. This does not mean answering text messages and calls all throughout the evening.
If that doesn’t work, walk away. Save yourself the months of arguments, confusion, double standards, and ultimately resentment.
Bro, my mate’s wife does this.
Acts like the sky is falling if he leaves the house. Do no marry this. This crazy will not get better and it will make your life hell.
Leave.
Therapy.
It’s gotta be fair or it shouldn’t happen at all. You’re cool with her going out, then so should she. Lay down the law, give her a chance to adapt. 1.5 years should’ve been long enough to be at that point. Give it a couple more months, or replace.
This isn’t about you earning her trust it’s about her refusing to manage her own anxiety, and her dramatic reactions are effectively holding your social life hostage. Her pattern of crying and saying I can’t do this shifts the focus from her irrational fears to you comforting her, which accidentally rewards the behavior. You’re right to feel frustrated healthy relationships don’t require days of reassurance for a simple night out. She needs to understand that her trauma is hers to heal, not yours to constantly accommodate. Have one calm, firm conversation I love you, but your anxiety around me seeing friends is damaging our relationship. I need you to start working on this with a therapist, because I can’t continue canceling my life to manage fears that aren’t based on my actions. Her willingness to get real help will tell you everything.
Everything saying therapy is wrong. Therapy isn’t the solution to every problem, every couple.
Her behaviour is normal, although a little exaggerated. Her brain is telling her that you’re going to leave and choose another spouse. Her brain isn’t going to be happy about that hence erratic response. I know it’s illogical, but that’s what seems to be happening.
Explain that you’re not going to leave her. When you do go out, don’t overexplain.
Second, mix it up. Sometimes, go out without telling her. Tell her you went shopping and saw a friend and decided to get some food. Other times plan to go out and cancel for no reason.
You don’t have to be cruel, she sounds like a nice girl but you have to work to dull her fear, and don’t let her control your freedom.
Good luck buddy
I had the exact same problem with my ex. You will end up resenting her. She never changed and eventually we split up.
I’d honestly tell her if she thinks I’m going to cheat then she’s free to leave, if a relationship doesn’t have trust it doesn’t have anything